Chasing Pavements

by Adele

I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over

If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further

This ain't lust, I know this is love

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough

Cause it was not said to you

And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place

Should I leave it there?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up and fly around in circles

Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle

Finally could this be it?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place

Should I leave it there?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place

Should I leave it there?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place

Should I leave it there?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Changes

It's been brought to my attention that all of my close friends, the ones who are supposed to be the best of the best, feel that I have changed since high school.  Apparently I am not the same person I was before I moved to Greenville and I have changed to the point where no one knows "this person" I've become.  It amazes me that the people who are bringing this to my attention... are some of the worst offenders of change I've ever seen.  Hold on, let's take one step back. Since when is changing such a bad thing?

As we grow older, we change.  Our beliefs change.  Who we are changes.  Especially if you go to a university.  In my experience, it changes you a whole lot.  It broadens your horizons and opens your mind to different ways of living, different walks of life, different people, different cultures.  The way you think starts to change because you become more "liberal" and accepting of all that is different.  You being to be open-minded and experienced-- you enter into the 21st century, people.  Yes, it changes you.  It doesn't necessarily mean that it's a bad thing like people would lead you to believe.  Changes in your life will change who you are whether or not you want them to. 

In my case, change has not been a bad thing.  I'm not sorry about it one bit. I've been through things that have changed me as a person.  I don't like all of the changes that have been made in my life, but there is nothing I can do about that.  They are, however, changes in me that I love and I embrace. This is me, this is who I am, who I was meant to be.  I'm no longer naive, I don't let people walk all over me, I have my own opinion and you're going to know it... but I am not a cruel person, I do not say things about my friends behind their backs that I wouldn't tell them at the right time and place.

Just because I don't fit your ideal description of who you want me to be doesn't mean I am not who I am supposed to be.

Maybe before you start acting like you're Mother Theresa... you should probably make sure that all your laundry is clean.



/End Rant

Happy Ending

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.  Every movie we see, every story we're told, implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.  But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs.  How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.  And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy... maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over.  Freeing yourself up for something better in the future.  Maybe the happy ending is just moving on or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing that after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope." -Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You

I think this says enough.  I shouldn't even have to explain.  Food for thought.

His Eye is on the Sparrow

Why should I feel discouraged?

Why should the shadows come?

Why should my heart feel lonely

and long for heaven and home?

When Jesus is my portion

A constant friend is He

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches over me

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy

I sing because I'm free

His eye is on the sparrow

And I know He, He watches me

His eyes is on the sparrow

and I know He watches

I know He watches

I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy

I sing because I'm free

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches me

He watches me

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches me

He watches me

He watches me, I never thought...

He watches me

     Most of you know that music is how I get my point across in many different situations.  I can take lyrics from multiple songs, put them together and show them to you, sing them, or recite them and you'll know exactly how I'm feeling.  At any point in any day, there is a song that can express my mood, how I'm feeling, the situations I encounter, what I'm thinking about, etc.  Usually, if I post song lyrics online, it's a direct indicator as to how I'm feeling about something that is going on in my life.  They usually just pop into my head and then it plays over and over again in my mind for the rest of the day.  Sometimes I scare myself with how accurate the songs are...

     Today's song was "His Eye is on the Sparrow" by Lauryn Hill (which is why I came home and watched Sister Act 2, haha!).  I have a lot of big decisions that are having to be made in my life right now, both personal and educational/professional.  There are a lot of things that I have to figure out within the next few months.  A lot of things are riding on this last semester of college and an application for something beyond college.  What happens this fall will dictate what happens to me for the rest of my life... practically in all areas of life.  I graduate in December with a Bachelor of Arts in Hispanic Studies from East Carolina University, with a minor in Psychology.  After graduation, there are a few options.

     I'm applying for what's called a "cultural ambassadorship" in Spain for the 2013-2014 school year. The application will be submitted this November.  If I am accepted into the program, I will leave in August for a full year to work alongside Spanish teachers teaching children in Spain how to speak English and helping them learn about the American culture.  I will live and work among Spaniards for an entire year while I enrich myself with their culture, their language, their heritage.  I am so excited about this and I hope you will be excited for me, too!  If, for some reason, I am not chosen to participate in this program, I will be applying to graduate schools in several different states; i.e., NC, AL, FL, MD, etc.  I am still doing research on the best graduate schools for the pathways I have chosen to take interest in, so these states may change.  If I do not get into the program, it is likely that I will work for a few years so that I can save up money to return back to school.  Like I said, it all rides on this chance in Spain.  Hopefully, I will have a chance to join the ranks of this wonderful opportunity.  

     I know that it's a long time and a lot of people have their reservations about me going to another country for a year... but what you need to understand is that this is my life, this is my career, this is what I have worked for, this is who I am.  This is a wonderful opportunity for me to immerse myself into the language itself (the one I've been learning for so long).  Yes, I will miss my family and my friends... more importantly, my mother... more than anything in the world, but it's time for my life to begin.  It's time for Ashley to have her chance at a fulfilling and wonderful life and be who she was meant to be.

     Besides... wherever I go, whatever I do, it should comfort you to know that God has His eye on me.  He's going to be watching over me wherever life leads me.  The choices that I make from here on out will be guided by Him and only Him.  Shouldn't this ease your mind?  

His eye is on the sparrow.

"UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." -Dr. Seuss

     Tonight, Dylan and I ordered chinese takeout and lounged about watching The Lorax.  Happy Labor Day to us, right?  Neither of us have ever seen the movie and thought it would be pretty neat to watch together... he is my nephew, after all and we both share a love of animated movies, I mean c'mon!  Don't act like you guys don't like animated movies (i.e., Disney, Pixar).  Instead of ultimately watching a movie that I thought would prove to be super cute and laid back... I find that this movie made me think a lot.  Especially the quote at the end of the movie from Dr. Seuss, "UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

     Now, this quote can be applied to a whole bunch of different scenarios and situations, but it got me thinking of cultural acceptance in the United States.  Most of you know that I'm a hispanic studies major at ECU, so of course it's natural that I would automatically think of the acceptance-- or lack thereof-- of the Spanish speaking population here in America.  Obviously everyone has their own opinion and are entitled to them; I'm not trying to say that any one opinion is wrong or that someone is insensitive because they have a different opinion than I do.  I'm simply stating mine.
     If you are a native Spanish speaker and you are here in the United States legally, I believe that you should have the same rights that I do because America prides itself on being the "melting pot" of the world.  
     A lot of people will actually fight me on this belief saying that if your first language is Spanish, then you should be deported.  I don't believe that's correct for legal immigrants.  Note that I said LEGAL.  If you are here illegally and you expect to get the same treatment and benefits that we as Americans receive, then I am all for the deportation laws.  That's just not fair.  You aren't contributing to this nation nor its economy, so you should not be allowed to partake in its wealth.  With that being said, I do believe that deportation laws should not be applicable to children under the age of 18.  Most of these children did not ask to come here, and a lot of them were born here.  To them, this is the only "home" they've ever known.  To deport them with their illegal parents and family members is like stripping them of everything they've ever had.  It isn't their fault they were born here illegally.  
     There are some people who believe that if you're not a native English speaker, then you should be deported anyway because you "are not accepted here; we no speak-ay da Spanish" (I literally heard that line this weekend).  This makes me so mad.  America prides itself on being the "melting pot", the most "diverse" nation on this planet, the most "accepting" of them all (whether it be race, religion, culture, etc).  If this is so, why are the majority of southern Americans still on this kick of being so much better than everyone else?  If I were born in a different country where there were absolutely no opportunities to advance myself as a person or to make a better life for my family, I would want to immigrate to the "land of opportunities" as well.  I would want my children to learn English, go to American universities and make something of themselves.  They would be RICH in culture because not only would they know their own culture, but they would learn the American way of life as well.
     Honestly, I think this is one of the worst forms of discrimination in the United States.  People learn that someone is a mexican, latino, etc., and they automatically assume that they are freeloaders and shouldn't be here.  Thank you very much, but most of my native Spanish friends are all here legally and are contributing to America's economy very well.  Sometimes I honestly wish I were of hispanic descent because they are the most caring individuals I have ever met.  They are hard workers and so intelligent.  Take for example a friend of mine; she just graduated from ECU with honors and is now in grad school at NC State.  Another friend of mine is in Puerto Rico for the semester; not only is she finishing her bachelor's there, she's learning so much about her heritage as well.  
    Obviously if you think that Spanish speakers (or any other immigrants for that matter) are "second class citizens", you are ignorant and we should not be friends.  But you know who are the worst offenders of this tragic misconception?  People who never went to college, who never broadened their horizons and went from high school straight into a minimum wage job.  I'm ashamed to say that some of my own family members probably feel that way because they are old fashioned and set in their ways.  Can't people see that this is just another form of "racism"?  Just another way to discriminate against people who are different than you are?  It's so ignorant... you can learn so much about the world and about yourself from people who are DIFFERENT than you.
    Coming to ECU was the best decision I've ever made in my life and I would do it again if I had to.  I have learned so much and met such a broad spectrum of people.  These people have made me a better person, they have shown me the light.  Discrimination is not okay in any form or fashion.  I don't care who you are, you should respect all people no matter their heritage, race, gender, sexual preference, etc.  Some people may say that I've become too "liberal" and that ECU has completely "changed me", but I believe that I have been changed for the better.  The southern states in America are the last to change, but it's been a long time coming and needs to happen.  Life would be so much better if everyone just got along.
     I could go on and on and on and on about this topic, but I think I'm going to stop here.  So, my question to you is:  Do you care enough about your beloved nation, and the morals/values we pride ourselves in, enough to stop discrimination in all forms?

Food for thought.

Wanted You More

     The more I think about the past 5 years of my life, the clearer it becomes that I was blinded by something that was never real.  If it had been real, it would still be.  Never have I felt the way I did when I was with him, talking to him, loving him.  We barely saw each other because of circumstances that we could not control (military), but did that stop me from loving him? From wanting to be with him? From wanting to make it work through the most difficult times where others would have cracked under the pressure?  No.  It didn't.  The fact of the matter was that I would have done anything for him, anything.  All he had to do was ask and that's what I would have done.

SN: It actually makes me wonder.  If that wasn't real... how amazing is the REAL thing going to feel?

     Knowing that everything I have said is true... is why it is hard for me to let my guard down and be open to love again.  I was consumed by what I thought was true love, one love.  Consumed by the idea that I would never need anyone else, he was everything to me.  When our relationship crumbled and fell apart... so did I.  I crumbled because of a mistake that HE made.  It scares me to know that when I love, I love with everything I have and everything that I am.  The way I was a year ago-- I never want to be that way again.  I never want to give someone so much power over me that if they leave, I'm left destitute and lost in my own skin.

     The problem here is... I still want to know what true love feels like.  I miss feeling the way I felt for all those years.  Happy, loved, important-- special.  When I was with him, I felt completed.  Anything in the world could have gone wrong, but it was okay because no matter what I had him.  Or was it all a lie?

     Will the fear of the unknown, the fear of the possibility of that happening again, keep me from being happy?  Will it keep me from being the person I used to be?  The girl who loves with her entire heart, not just a piece of it?  Obviously all of the questions that I ask in this post are completely rhetorical.  I wouldn't expect anyone to even try to answer them... I don't even know how to answer them or know if I ever will.

     I came across a song that completely encompasses my feelings about it all.  And most of you who read this know me very well, which means that you know that music can speak my emotions more than I can.

Lady Antebellum: Wanted You More

I kept waiting on a reason

and a call that never came

No, I never saw it comin'

Somethin' in you must've changed

All the words unspoken, 

promises broken-- I cried for so long.

Wasted too much time,

should've seen the signs.

Now I know just what went wrong.

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more

I guess I wanted you more

All the night we spent just talkin'

of the things we wanted out of life

Makin' plans and dreams together

I wish I'd seen, I was just too blind

My heart was open, exposed and hoping

for you to lay it on the line

but in the end it seemed

there was no room for me

still I tried to change your mind

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more

I guess I wanted you more

Ohh, I don't need you

I don't need you anymore

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

I don't need you

I don't need you anymore

     But you know what's funny?  After everything he put me through, you'd think I would despise him... when in reality, I don't wish him harm.  Karma will get him back, I don't have to.  I'm completely over him and would never want anything else to do with him, I just have to deal with the aftermath of, in essence, him.  

     As much as I feel like I will never get over what he did to me, I know that in the end I will.  I'm going to be happy one day, I'm going to find a love that completely sweeps me off my feet and makes me wonder what I ever saw in him.  I'm going to love, and I'm going to love hard.  I'm going to be the same sweet, caring woman in someone else's life... someone who is going to appreciate and love everything about me, everything that he lost because of his own stupidity.  And as much as I want to blame every man on earth for what he did to me, I know that the person I will end up loving for the rest of my life will not be compared in the least to him.  

I will be happy one day, I will... and YOU don't win.

Heartbreak

So many of my friends are going through rough times right now.  It truly breaks my heart to watch them suffer.  I can go through all of the tough crap in my life and not feel sorry for myself, but as soon as one of my friends starts hurting... it's like my heart tears itself in two.  This time, it's not just one friend, but many.  The heartache spreads across a spectrum; from relationship heartbreak to losing someone who is closest to them before it's their time, from depression issues to utter disappointment with life.  Sometimes it makes me wonder why we go through the things we go through.  But you know what we all have in common?  The need to have wonderful people around us to help us through; at the end of the day, love and compassion go the farthest in helping someone through any type of heartbreak.

So this blog post goes out to them.  They all know who they are.  I found a bunch of bible verses and quotes from different people that I believe will help you through, or at least give you hope enough to get through the night.  I love you all.

"In quietness and trust is your strength." -Isaiah 30:15

"No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again." -Buddha

"Strength doesn't come from what you CAN do, it comes from overcoming what you once thought you couldn't."

"Believe in yourself and all that you are.  Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle." -Christian D. Larson

"God changes caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls, and coal into diamonds using TIME and PRESSURE.  He's working on you, too." -Rick Warren

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." -Exodus 14:14


"Faith in God includes faith in His timing." -Neal A. Maxwell

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone." -Audrey Hepburn

"Your most effective ministries will come from your deepest hurts." -Anonymous


"Above all things, have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins." -1 Peter 4:8

"Promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." -Christopher Robin (Winnie the Pooh)

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember than an airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." -Henry Ford

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Please remember that I am here for each and every one of you.  Without you in my life, I'm sure I would not have gotten through many different obstacles in my own life.  And for that, I thank you.  

Until next time.

Summer Goals

So... I have a list of goals that I have for summer 2012.  Let's see how these go.

Physical goals

• Lose weight
• Eat healthier
• Tone up
• Drink WATER 
• Start running again
• Feel better
• Reset my sleep patterns
• Go outside and play with Macy more
• Keep working on my tannn

Mental goals

• Quit thinking negatively
• Discover more music
• Be less neurotic
• Crawl out of this hole called "depression" once and for all
• Be the source of my own happiness
• Spend more time with my family and friends
• Read the books I bought for the summer
• Do more crafts/cook more things found on Pinterest
• Don't worry about guys; when I'm ready, I'll know it

Financial/Educational goals

• Get my 31 business up and running again
• Decide which classes to drop for the fall semester
• Look into paid internships in España, Argentina, etc. for the spring semester
• Look for another job for the fall semester
• Take the GRE, apply to grad schools
• Decide what I really want to get my Master's in: Translation, Professorship in Hispanic Studies, or Bilingual Social Work

But for the most part... start living the life that I know I deserve.  No one can cheat you out of your own happiness but yourself.  People come in and out of your life, but the ones who are actually worth it won't leave.  

Seems like a pretty long list.  Looks like my summer is booked. (:  Plus beach trips... cause I can't live without the beach. 

"I will love you for you"

He cries in the corner where nobody sees

He's the kid whose story no one would believe

He prays every night,

"Dear Lord, won't you please,

could you send someone here who will love me?"

Who will love me for me

Not for what I have done or

what I will become

Who will love me for me

Cause nobody has shown me

what love, what love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day

She's the woman whose husband has run away

She'll go to the gym after working today

Maybe if she was thinner, then he would've stayed

And she says,

Who'll love me for me?

Not for what I have done or

what I will become

Who will love me for me?

Cause nobody has shown me

what love, what love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone

He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done

He utters a cry from the depths of his soul,

"Oh Lord, forgive me, I wanna go home"

And then heard a voice somewhere deep inside

And it said, "I know you've murdered

and I know you've lied,

and I have watched you suffer all of your life

and now that you'll listen, I'll tell you that I...

I will love you for you

Not for what you have done or

what you will become

I will love you for you
I will give you the love,

the love that you never knew."

Love you for you

Not for what you have done or

what you will become

I will love you for you

I will give you the love,

the love that you never knew.

-JJ Heller: Love Me/What Love Really Means

    I've been reflecting all day about the kind of guy that I want to date... the kind of guy that I would eventually like to have a family with someday.  Obviously I'm not rushing anything, but it would be so much easier if guys would just be honest, trustworthy, and sweet.  The guys I've known/dated in the past few months have been less than amazing.  Is it too much to ask for what's on this list? :

• Christian
• Trustworthy
• Honest
• Caring
• Compassionate
• Dependable
• Friendly/kind
• Outgoing
• Wonderful personality
• Ambition
• Determination
• Humorous
• Non-judgmental
• Great smile
• Patience
• Maturity
• Short distance
 
 

     And as much as I say any of this... or want any of this... the fear that I have of dating again is holding me back.  Holding me back from the possibility of finding that love.  What if one of the guys I dated, but kicked to the curb because of one insignificant fault, was someone that could have made me happier than my wildest dreams?  But no, I can't actually allow anyone to get that close to me... to be in the midst of a place where they could possibly and inevitably hurt me.  That's what they say, right?  If you don't let people get close to you, you can't get hurt.  I find that I push away anyone who tries to get close to me... including friends, and that makes me angry.  It's almost like my subconscious is completely aware that it needs to shield me from any and every kind of emotional pain that I could ever come in contact with, but at the same time, it's turning me into this person that I've never been: super cautious, fearful, distrusting, moody, focused on excluding myself from situations that may cause me to be in that sort of situation.  It's ridiculous, to be honest with you. 

      But... I just want to find a man (eventually) that makes me weak in the knees just to look into his eyes, or hear his voice... whose touch feels like an angel has touched me, whose smile can make me feel like I'm on Cloud 9. I want to find the love that God has intended for me, just for me. I look at these older couples who have been together for 40, 50 and sometimes 60 years and I wonder if I will ever be in their shoes or if I'll just be one of the old women who couldn't find her true love after several attempted marriages... it's actually quite disheartening when you think about it. I trust that God has someone special for me and that, in His time, I will find him... but meeting all of the wrong ones just isn't helping my faith in finding love. Maybe I'm way too young to be thinking this way. But, is it a crime to want something with substance? A relationship that makes you feel like you can conquer the world at any given moment because someone is right there behind you every step of the way? Is it a crime to want that kind of love? All of my friends around me are in love, engaged, married, married with children... and here I am, single and free as a bird with no leads to anything that will actually be worth anything.

      I have so many faults right now that I don't think I should be dating anyone at all. No one deserves to NOT be trusted because of another person's past experiences, and they certainly don't deserve to put up with the mood swings that come with it. Until I'm better, I guess I'll just focus on the words of this song... He will love me for me, not for what I have done or what I will become, He will love me for me, HE will give me the love that I never knew. Sounds like a good plan to me.

Cry Out To Jesus

I'm not sure why I'm sharing the lyrics of this song right now, I just have a strong urge to do so.  This song always speaks to me because a lot of it can apply to me or my life in some aspect.  But tonight, I don't think it's for me.  Maybe it's supposed to speak to someone else's heart?  Maybe.

Click here to watch the video.

Third Day: Cry Out To Jesus

To everyone who's lost someone they love

long before it was their time

You feel like the days you had were not enough

when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains

keeping you back from your life

You believe that there's nothing and there is no one

who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

And love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing

He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus, cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on

They've lost all of their faith in love

They've done all they can to make it right again

Still, it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains

You try to give up but you come back again

Just remember that you're not alone in your shame

And your suffering

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

And love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing

He'll meet you wherever you are

Just cry out to Jesus

When you're lonely

and it feels like the whole world is falling on you

You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus

Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone

wiping the tears from her eyes

For the children around the world without a home

Say a prayer tonight

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

And love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing 

He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus, cry out to Jesus

Cry out to Jesus, cry out to Jesus

     For some reason I felt compelled to share it.  I hope that for someone, this helps you get through the night.

Your Own Footprints.

     It's funny the things you can find every so often that you have left for yourself (intentionally or not).  It seems that I'm getting good at that; the only difference is that I usually intend on doing something with my thoughts but then they somehow become "displaced", lost or forgotten. Hah!  Sometimes it's quotes of encouragement, others it's just random song lyrics that I can't get out of my head on any particular day. 
     Today I was looking through my phone waiting at the doctor's office when I found a note that I had written almost a year ago.  It was the beginning of a diary entry that I decided to record in my phone and save for later so that I could go back and add to it... but never did.  It caught me a bit off guard because what I had wrote was the way I was feeling today.  It's crazy how that happens, huh? Here was the entry:

July 11, 2011


I have been feeling down about myself today.  So much so that I started to feel ugly as sin.  I was to the point of tears, so I sat down and decided to just open the Bible and see what God wanted to say to me.  Without even looking, I just opened to the page that would come open the easiest... and this is what I read:


Song of Songs
6:4  You are beautiful, my darling
like the lovely city of Tirzah.
Yes, as beautiful as Jerusalem,
as majestic as an army with billowing banners.
6:5  Turn your eyes away, 
for they overpower me,
your hair falls in waves,
like a flock of goats winding down
the slopes of Gilead.

I guess the Bible really is God's love letter to me.

     All I can really say is, "wow".  Re-reading and re-experiencing that made me feel chills down my spine.  People say they can't "feel" God, that one cannot expect them to "hear" God... when really, they aren't looking in the right places, or really searching for what God is trying to say to them.  I've learned a major lesson today, just in re-reading my own diary entry from a year ago.  It gives me hope and makes me feel as if nothing can stop me.  God knows exactly what to say to you when you're down if you'll only let Him.  How wonderful that feeling is...
    I guess the reason why I'm sharing a (private) diary entry is because I really wanted you to understand that I'm not perfect and I never will be... that my life has never been a fairy tale.  But, God has been there every step of the way with me.  I may not feel His presence around me constantly, but when I need it most, He is there.  All you have to do is ask of Him and you shall receive.  We've been taught that all our lives, right?  Well, it's true and I'm here to prove it. 
     Another (private) example.  Last year when I was going through a very rough time in my life, I woke up out of a dead sleep one night unable to breathe, unable to calm my heart rate, unable to stop shaking and crying.  I don't even understand why it happened, so I chalk it all up to stress now.  All I can remember is looking up at the ceiling and begging God to help me stop this because I couldn't do it by myself.  You may not believe this, some people don't-- but kid you not, within a minute, I was able to breathe, my heart had picked up its normal rhythm.  All I could think was, "wow".  It actually scared me because I had never felt His presence so strongly. 
     There are other examples I could give you from that time frame, but the main thing that I want you to realize right now is that God is real.  Yes, things may happen to where you ask, "why me?" or "why would you do this, Lord?"... and there are times where you may not understand, but He is there in anything and everything.  He will never leave you, especially in your times of need.  It's like that poem said: there is only one set of footprints in your walk with Christ because He is carrying you.

Food for thought.

A Pirate's life for me.

     As many of you know, this is my last year at East Carolina University (at least as an undergraduate student) as I will be graduating in December with a Bachelor's in Arts of Hispanic Studies, minor in Psychology.  I have passed my OQE (Oral Qualifying Exam), have maintained a high GPA and am graduating with honors as a member of Phi Sigma Iota: Sigma Upsilon chapter.

Now, here comes the hard part. Decisions to be made:
     The first decision that needs to be made right now is if I want to go straight into graduate school, take a year off, take a semester off, or just not go to graduate school at all.  My dream has always been to be able to obtain a Master's degree of some sort that would enhance my education and advance my professional career.  After I graduate, I will have a Bachelor's of Arts in Hispanic Studies.  I can do many things with this degree because I know the Spanish language, Spanish culture, Spanish heritage, Spanish literature... etc.  I've been looking into a few schools here in North Carolina, a few outside of North Carolina and I have also been looking into international internships. 
     Right now, I am stuck deciding which pathway to choose from here.  Professional translation?  Bilingual social work? Bilingual speech therapy? International studies? Professorship in Hispanic Studies?  Everything seems like it would be beneficial to me, not only professionally but personally.  Today I found a Master's in Arts of Teaching program here at ECU in Hispanic Studies itself.  I'm not exactly sure what I would be able to do with that, but I am looking into it as we speak.
     But what's dawning on me now is that I'm growing up.  I'm so close to achieving everything that I've worked so hard for so long for.  I'm so close to being someone that I can be proud of, that my parents can be proud of.  That every decision from here on out is going to affect my entire future, the future of my family, the future of my future family.  Right now, I'm mainly concerned with myself.  I have learned that you must be able to support yourself, with or without a spouse.  Do not fully depend on anyone, only on yourself.  You must be able to continue life if something unfortunate happens.  THIS, my friends, is why I keep going to school.  This is why I keep pushing myself, keep advancing in my studies, keep trying so hard to be somebody.
     And you know what?  It's been a lot of work.  It's been hard, I'm not going to lie, but I wouldn't change a bit of my educational career.  ECU has been my heart and soul for 4 years and I'm so glad that I chose to come here.  I've met so many wonderful people, professors, lifelong friends and connections.  I've learned so much... not just in my studies, but ECU has opened my mind.  I'll admit that I was very narrow-minded when I came here.  Anything "different" was not cool in my book.  Now, being "different" is the exact thing that I love.  It's everything to me.  Equality, anti-discrimination, pro-love.  I am in love with the person I have become BECAUSE of ECU.  Because of ECU, I am a determined, intelligent, educated, well-rounded, bilingual individual who has so much going for her in the rest of her life.  I'm proud to say that I have been changed by ECU. Being a Pirate isn't just about being "fun" and a "partier"... it means being a part of an amazing community of other determined, successful, educated people who will stop at nothing to be the people they were meant to be.

I might not be the epitomy of the "ECU girl", but I will say one thing... 
"yo-ho, yo-ho, a Pirate's life for me!"

Feliz Día de Madre en los Estados Unidos!

Note: If you're confused about the title... it means "Happy Mother's Day in the United States!"

Today is Mother's day-- the one day of the year when our Mother's are appreciated, loved, and praised for what they do on a daily basis.  When I say "mothers", I am including the single fathers who play both roles, the pseudo-mothers, the mothers who aren't really mothers but act like it for the sake of the children they take care of... and EXcluding the mothers who don't really act like mothers at all.

I have many fond memories of my mother.  Without her, I'm not sure my life would be half as manageable as it is.  Heck-- without her, this past year would have royally screwed me over.  My mother has been there for me through it all, has never judged me, has always accepted and supported me no matter what the situation.  She has always provided for me, given me a shoulder to cry on and has cried WITH me just because the sight of sadness in my eyes was too much for her.  She has taught me how to be a woman, how to be a mother in the future, how to be a true, loving, gentle, kind person... and she has taught me how to be strong.  She has taught me the values that I should look for in a partner, but at the same time has shown me the strength and determination it takes to be a single mother when things don't work out for the best.  Without her, I'm sure I wouldn't have the morals or the values that I do have; the ones that make me who I am.  She is not just my mother, she is my best friend.  She has the biggest heart in the world and I can only hope to be as wonderful of a mother as she has been.

My question is... do you treat your mother the same way you do on Mother's day every other day of the year?  If not, you should rethink that.  There are many people who have no mother, whether it be because their mother has passed on or maybe they never even had a mother.  There are people who HAVE mothers, but have no relationship with those mothers because they never wanted children.  For all of us who do have someone that we can lovingly call "Mother", it's almost taken too lightly these days.  It's as if we believe that nothing will ever happen to our mothers because they are invincible.  I'd like to think that, but no one is exempt from the icy cold hand of death when it's time to go.  Shouldn't we treat our mothers every day with the same love, respect, compassion, appreciation that we do on Mother's day?

Food for thought.

Ms Independent

     I was driving to New Bern today and decided to turn the radio on (instead of my usual mixed CD) and an old song was on Bob 93.3: Kelly Clarkson's "Ms Independent".  I haven't heard that song in such a long time, I'm sure I was in middle school the last time I heard it.  All of the "nicknames" she used fit me right now... and I think I'm coming to realize that.  Ms Independent, Ms Self Sufficient, Ms Keep Your Distance, Ms Out of My Way, Ms Don't Let a Man Interfere, Ms On Her Own, Ms Almost Grown, Ms Never Let a Man Help Her Off Her Throne.

     I've come to the realization that if someone cannot understand what I'm going through, if they can't be patient enough to realize that I cannot be in a "normal relationship" anytime soon... then maybe I shouldn't even waste my time, or theirs for that matter.  I'm obviously not worth the time it is taking to wait, and if that's so... I shouldn't bother myself with getting my hopes up at all.  I waited for years for my last one; he was gone most of the time, and yet I was okay with that because I was patient, I understood that to get to the better times, you had to wait and get through the tough times first.  Why is it that women are so much more patient than men?  I guess I shouldn't expect any different considering where I come from.  We're all about instant gratification, right?

     Sometimes I wish that life was simpler, that men understood women, that explaining how you feel to someone would be enough.  But all I usually get is hostility, "you're being unfair", tweets or statuses that are indirectly about me, etc.  You know, I'm not a self righteous woman.  I lay everything out on the table from day one.  I explain everything and if they'd still like to get to know me, great, if not... that's fine, too.  With or without you, I'll be okay.  It's discomforting to feel as if I'll never meet a man that has enough patience, enough understanding, enough emotional strength to walk this path with me.  My past is not my fault, and it's not something that I can just walk away from.  It takes time, it takes patience, it takes dedication.  Do you think I like being this way?  So distrustful, so emotionally disturbed, so fearful of the unknown?  No, I definitely do not like being this way... but it's who I am now, and until I get over that, I'm sure I'll never find anyone who actually cares enough to be patient. 

     But that's okay, it really is.  I've realized that God has a much bigger plan for me.  There is probably someone out there who feels the same way I do.  Maybe I'll meet him tomorrow, or next month.  Who knows?  Whoever it is, God has made him patient and understanding... and the only reason I know that is because I know that God has someone planned just for ME (and that man will need patience and understanding).  I'm not rushing anything and I refuse to rush the healing process.  If you can't understand that, okay.  That's fine.  I'm not here to please anyone, to bow at the needs of anyone else right now.  This time, it's about me.  This time I've decided that I am going to take care of myself and my needs, my education, my wants, my life.  Too long has it been about someone else.  

     If I cannot make myself happy... I certainly cannot make YOU happy.  Food for thought.

Dear Daddy Bear

Dear Daddy Bear,

     April 25th, 10 days from now, marks the 7th anniversary of the day you were taken away from me.  The fact that you're gone still has not settled and a part of me still doesn't want to believe it.  I think about you often, especially when something good or bad happens in my life or if I need advice.  I still pick up the phone attempting to call you.  Halfway through the number, I remember that there won't be anyone on the other end of the line... so I end the call and take a deep breath.

     7 years, Daddy.  It's been 7 years since you've been gone and yet it still feels like it was just yesterday when I heard your laugh or saw the glimmer in your eyes.  I was only 15.  I was in my freshman year of high school, I was involved in the band.  You reminded me constantly of how proud you were of me.  I was so busy that I barely got to see you, not like I had before high school anyway.  Sometimes I wish I could go back and spend more time with you; I think, "if only I had known..." but that's not how life is, is it?  

     Sometimes I think of you and I become sad thinking of everything that you're missing.  You've missed the birth of your only granddaughter (as of yet), she's a mess by the way.  You missed me graduating high school and going off to ECU; you missed Amy receiving her Medic certificates.  You're going to miss my university graduation, my graduate school graduation, my marriage and the birth of my children.  But then I think... you're in heaven,you see everything!  You may not be here physically, but you are in spirit and because of that you're looking down on us from Heaven and you're smiling because you can see everything.  It still doesn't make it any easier, but it's comforting to me.

     I used to wish that you had never been taken from us.  I used to try to bargain with God so that He would bring you back to me, as silly as that sounds.  Nothing anyone ever said to me made it better because to me, they didn't understand what I was feeling... and how could they?  I miss you so much, especially now that I am old enough to have the kind of close relationship with you as I have with Mama.  You were always so funny, but you always knew exactly what to say to make me feel better... "this too shall pass, baby bear, this too shall pass".  You know that's my life's motto, now?  Whenever I hear it or say it, I think of you and smile.  You've left a crazy mark on my life, but I guess that was your goal, huh?

     As I've gotten older, I realize that everything happens for a reason and that everyone is taken when God wants to bring them home.  I should be rejoicing because YOU got to leave this wretched world and spend the rest of eternity with Jesus before me.  It's selfish to want you to still be alive and on this earth with me; you are probably having a much better time there, anyway!  Singing with your guitar and playing your drums constantly... it must be wonderful.  You used to always say that Heaven didn't know what it was missing without you, but I'm sure they probably want to give you back by now! Haha! 

     Can you do me a favor and keep your watch over me?  I'm going through a lot, which I know that you know about... but sometimes it seems like I could have avoided all of this had you still been alive.  It may be silly to think that way, but you know that all I ever wanted to do was to make you proud.  Don't give up on me just yet, I know there are a lot of good things in my future... I just have to get over the inhibitions that loom over my life right now.  Time is what it takes to heal, and it also takes having a guardian angel watching over you.  I'm happy to say that my guardian angel is my father.

     Someday I will see you again, but until then keep singing with Jesus until I can get there and take your place in the choir.  I love you and miss you dearly, daddy bear.

XOXO,

Baby Bear

Defying Gravity

One of the biggest things in my Bucket List is to see a Broadway musical in New York City.  The one I'd most like to see would be Wicked; I'm not sure when they do it or if they'll even do it again.  But, a girl can dream, right?  My favorite song from the soundtrack is Defying Gravity.  It has an amazing message, too.  I guess I'm not doing this so much for you guys, but for me.  To remind me of what I can do when I set my mind to it.

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts 

Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits

Cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love,

It comes with much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye -- I'm defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

So if you care to find me

Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately:

"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free

To those who'd ground me

Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am defying gravity

I'm flying high defying gravity

And nobody is ever gonna bring me down!

I believe this shall be my new theme song.  No one will ever bring me down the way I was brought down ever again.  I am defined by me, and me only.  My life is precious, there's not a second to waste.  I graduate soon... and what am I doing with my life?  Well, I'm defying gravity.

Dating scene... or dating scream?

Lately I've been trying to step back into the realm of the daters... casually or not.  And it seems that besides my own inhibitions, each and every guy I talk to/go out with/hang out with proves to be untrustworthy... most show their true colors.  They go behind your back, they do things that do not condone the idea of wanting a real girlfriend... and in the end, all they really do is kill any chance of ever being with you.  This "dating scene" has changed a lot since the last time I was in it.


All I ask is that they be honest with me.  Is it that hard to do?  If you're talking to 5 girls at the same time, tell me.  (Not saying that it's going to make me want to be one of those 5 anymore, but it would be nice if you were honest).  If you don't really want a "relationship" persay, tell me.  If you're not over your ex yet and you two keep going back and forth, tell me.  If you don't understand why I would like to take things slowly, tell me -- don't just go find some other girl, stop talking to me all together without reason, and then end up in a relationship with her 2 days later.  That is just... childish and immature.  Especially when all I asked of you was to be honest.  Like I said in the beginning, you pretty much killed your chances with me, present or future. Ugghhhh. Boys! (Yes, I said "boys"... nothing ya'll do constitutes being a "man".)


Sometimes I wonder if I would be better off single until I graduate from graduate school in like 3 years.  It may be lonely... but it sure as heck beats being lied to constantly.

Only thing to do is jump over the moon.

I've been contemplating the past few days about the decisions that I've made and that I need to make for myself.  I've decided to go on dates, to hang out with a guy/guys, to try to move on with my life.  But, it seems that I've lost all confidence and all hope in men... and I know it's because of what I went through this past year.  As inconvenient and unfair as it seems to men, I just can't shake myself of these feelings.


It's like I told my friend... it's like my mind connects the concept of a man to feelings like fear, sadness, depression, anxiety, etc.  I don't know what to do about it other than to go seek professional help, but I really don't want to look like a nutjob.  Apparently I'm already a broken person as it is.  


I know I shouldn't rush the healing process, I know.  I just want to be happy.  I'm so tired of being sad, of feeling alone, of being scared. I just want my life to go on and stop keeping me in this valley.  As much as I want that, there's this fear that just keeps holding me back from doing anything about it.  It's like I'm my own brick wall.  I've decided to just focus on me, I think.  Focus on school, life, and worry about love as it comes.


Where to go from here?  Lord only knows.

It's been a while...

I've been procrastinating on writing another blog post.  If you ask me why, I probably would not be able to tell you.  Between finals last semester and the ruckus of the holidays, it just wasn't my top priority.  But, I have been informed today by a very special friend that she missed seeing my blog posts... and that gave me a boost of energy.  Perhaps I should use this blog as a sort of expenditure of emotions and thoughts.  It would definitely help my New Year's Resolution to be LESS stressed this year!  Relaxation is key.

The holidays were very crazy, as always!  But they were definitely good.  I have found that as I grow older, the excitement of Christmas morning has faded... but I believe that it is a good thing rather than a bad thing.  Over the years, you realize that Christmas isn't about the presents; it isn't about "Santa" and all of the magic that he brings to Christmas.  It's not about all that at all (obviously it is for the children, but as I have none of my own... it isn't important at this time for me to be excited about it).  I have to say that Christmas day, for me, was a day of reflection.  I spent the day looking back on the entire year before; where I began, the trials and tribulations during the year, the climb back up to being "okay", and the level that I'm at now.  It's crazy how far you can come after being knocked down to your lowest point... but I have to say that I wouldn't have been able to do it without my Creator. 

I think the biggest lesson I've learned this past year is that God puts trials and tribulations, speed bumps, in our path... but it isn't to make our lives miserable.  They are tests, tools, lessons that He believes you must learn in order to keep traveling on His path for your life.  I'll admit that at first I didn't understand why so many bad things could happen to a good person... but when I started reading my bible and talking to friends who believed in the same way that I did, it all became so clear.  The path I had chosen was not the path that God wanted for me, and in doing so I caused myself to travel a harder, rockier path.  But it's okay... I believe Him when He says that if He brings you to it, He'll see you through it.  How true is that statement?  So true.

The biggest questions that keep being sent my way are "Are you doing okay?" and "Are you dating again?".  I am actually much happier than I was this past year... and I may actually be happier than I was with him.  Reason being that I am more confident in my strength and who I am as a person.  I am not defined by anyone, therefore I cannot be crushed by anyone again.  God defines me now, and that is how it should have been all along, to be honest.  I realize that now.  You know, maybe it was one of those... "come to Jesus meetings" that God placed in my path.  As terrible as it was, I've learned a lot, including what I do and do not want in a partner.

As to the second question... slowly but surely.  I've been talking to a few here and there, but mostly I weed out what I don't want.  I know it sounds cynical, but after being through what I have been through, it's much easier to stop something from happening in the beginning rather than being caught up into something that you don't need to be caught up in!  What people need to realize is that I've learned that patience, time, and healing needs to happen before I even consider moving into another relationship.  It's nothing that I absolutely need in my life.  I truly need to figure out who I am and who my Creator wants me to be before I bring someone else into my life (as in "serious relationship" wise).  Yes, I may go on dates, hang out or just be friends with men... but is that really any of your concern?  Haha!  It will happen in due time; rushing something is not going to solve anything.

Hmm... I think that is all for now.  I have to get ready for my translation class!  This class is rocking my world.  I absolutely love it.  I think it's because I actually have fun in the class and my professor is one of mis favoritas EVER!  Guess we'll see how the rest of the semester goes.

Hasta la próxima vez.