Only thing to do is jump over the moon.

I've been contemplating the past few days about the decisions that I've made and that I need to make for myself.  I've decided to go on dates, to hang out with a guy/guys, to try to move on with my life.  But, it seems that I've lost all confidence and all hope in men... and I know it's because of what I went through this past year.  As inconvenient and unfair as it seems to men, I just can't shake myself of these feelings.


It's like I told my friend... it's like my mind connects the concept of a man to feelings like fear, sadness, depression, anxiety, etc.  I don't know what to do about it other than to go seek professional help, but I really don't want to look like a nutjob.  Apparently I'm already a broken person as it is.  


I know I shouldn't rush the healing process, I know.  I just want to be happy.  I'm so tired of being sad, of feeling alone, of being scared. I just want my life to go on and stop keeping me in this valley.  As much as I want that, there's this fear that just keeps holding me back from doing anything about it.  It's like I'm my own brick wall.  I've decided to just focus on me, I think.  Focus on school, life, and worry about love as it comes.


Where to go from here?  Lord only knows.