Dear Daddy Bear,
April 25th, 10 days from now, marks the 7th anniversary of the day you were taken away from me. The fact that you're gone still has not settled and a part of me still doesn't want to believe it. I think about you often, especially when something good or bad happens in my life or if I need advice. I still pick up the phone attempting to call you. Halfway through the number, I remember that there won't be anyone on the other end of the line... so I end the call and take a deep breath.
7 years, Daddy. It's been 7 years since you've been gone and yet it still feels like it was just yesterday when I heard your laugh or saw the glimmer in your eyes. I was only 15. I was in my freshman year of high school, I was involved in the band. You reminded me constantly of how proud you were of me. I was so busy that I barely got to see you, not like I had before high school anyway. Sometimes I wish I could go back and spend more time with you; I think, "if only I had known..." but that's not how life is, is it?
Sometimes I think of you and I become sad thinking of everything that you're missing. You've missed the birth of your only granddaughter (as of yet), she's a mess by the way. You missed me graduating high school and going off to ECU; you missed Amy receiving her Medic certificates. You're going to miss my university graduation, my graduate school graduation, my marriage and the birth of my children. But then I think... you're in heaven,you see everything! You may not be here physically, but you are in spirit and because of that you're looking down on us from Heaven and you're smiling because you can see everything. It still doesn't make it any easier, but it's comforting to me.
I used to wish that you had never been taken from us. I used to try to bargain with God so that He would bring you back to me, as silly as that sounds. Nothing anyone ever said to me made it better because to me, they didn't understand what I was feeling... and how could they? I miss you so much, especially now that I am old enough to have the kind of close relationship with you as I have with Mama. You were always so funny, but you always knew exactly what to say to make me feel better... "this too shall pass, baby bear, this too shall pass". You know that's my life's motto, now? Whenever I hear it or say it, I think of you and smile. You've left a crazy mark on my life, but I guess that was your goal, huh?
As I've gotten older, I realize that everything happens for a reason and that everyone is taken when God wants to bring them home. I should be rejoicing because YOU got to leave this wretched world and spend the rest of eternity with Jesus before me. It's selfish to want you to still be alive and on this earth with me; you are probably having a much better time there, anyway! Singing with your guitar and playing your drums constantly... it must be wonderful. You used to always say that Heaven didn't know what it was missing without you, but I'm sure they probably want to give you back by now! Haha!
Can you do me a favor and keep your watch over me? I'm going through a lot, which I know that you know about... but sometimes it seems like I could have avoided all of this had you still been alive. It may be silly to think that way, but you know that all I ever wanted to do was to make you proud. Don't give up on me just yet, I know there are a lot of good things in my future... I just have to get over the inhibitions that loom over my life right now. Time is what it takes to heal, and it also takes having a guardian angel watching over you. I'm happy to say that my guardian angel is my father.
Someday I will see you again, but until then keep singing with Jesus until I can get there and take your place in the choir. I love you and miss you dearly, daddy bear.
XOXO,
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