I was driving to New Bern today and decided to turn the radio on (instead of my usual mixed CD) and an old song was on Bob 93.3: Kelly Clarkson's "Ms Independent". I haven't heard that song in such a long time, I'm sure I was in middle school the last time I heard it. All of the "nicknames" she used fit me right now... and I think I'm coming to realize that. Ms Independent, Ms Self Sufficient, Ms Keep Your Distance, Ms Out of My Way, Ms Don't Let a Man Interfere, Ms On Her Own, Ms Almost Grown, Ms Never Let a Man Help Her Off Her Throne.
I've come to the realization that if someone cannot understand what I'm going through, if they can't be patient enough to realize that I cannot be in a "normal relationship" anytime soon... then maybe I shouldn't even waste my time, or theirs for that matter. I'm obviously not worth the time it is taking to wait, and if that's so... I shouldn't bother myself with getting my hopes up at all. I waited for years for my last one; he was gone most of the time, and yet I was okay with that because I was patient, I understood that to get to the better times, you had to wait and get through the tough times first. Why is it that women are so much more patient than men? I guess I shouldn't expect any different considering where I come from. We're all about instant gratification, right?
Sometimes I wish that life was simpler, that men understood women, that explaining how you feel to someone would be enough. But all I usually get is hostility, "you're being unfair", tweets or statuses that are indirectly about me, etc. You know, I'm not a self righteous woman. I lay everything out on the table from day one. I explain everything and if they'd still like to get to know me, great, if not... that's fine, too. With or without you, I'll be okay. It's discomforting to feel as if I'll never meet a man that has enough patience, enough understanding, enough emotional strength to walk this path with me. My past is not my fault, and it's not something that I can just walk away from. It takes time, it takes patience, it takes dedication. Do you think I like being this way? So distrustful, so emotionally disturbed, so fearful of the unknown? No, I definitely do not like being this way... but it's who I am now, and until I get over that, I'm sure I'll never find anyone who actually cares enough to be patient.
But that's okay, it really is. I've realized that God has a much bigger plan for me. There is probably someone out there who feels the same way I do. Maybe I'll meet him tomorrow, or next month. Who knows? Whoever it is, God has made him patient and understanding... and the only reason I know that is because I know that God has someone planned just for ME (and that man will need patience and understanding). I'm not rushing anything and I refuse to rush the healing process. If you can't understand that, okay. That's fine. I'm not here to please anyone, to bow at the needs of anyone else right now. This time, it's about me. This time I've decided that I am going to take care of myself and my needs, my education, my wants, my life. Too long has it been about someone else.
If I cannot make myself happy... I certainly cannot make YOU happy. Food for thought.
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