Wanted You More

     The more I think about the past 5 years of my life, the clearer it becomes that I was blinded by something that was never real.  If it had been real, it would still be.  Never have I felt the way I did when I was with him, talking to him, loving him.  We barely saw each other because of circumstances that we could not control (military), but did that stop me from loving him? From wanting to be with him? From wanting to make it work through the most difficult times where others would have cracked under the pressure?  No.  It didn't.  The fact of the matter was that I would have done anything for him, anything.  All he had to do was ask and that's what I would have done.

SN: It actually makes me wonder.  If that wasn't real... how amazing is the REAL thing going to feel?

     Knowing that everything I have said is true... is why it is hard for me to let my guard down and be open to love again.  I was consumed by what I thought was true love, one love.  Consumed by the idea that I would never need anyone else, he was everything to me.  When our relationship crumbled and fell apart... so did I.  I crumbled because of a mistake that HE made.  It scares me to know that when I love, I love with everything I have and everything that I am.  The way I was a year ago-- I never want to be that way again.  I never want to give someone so much power over me that if they leave, I'm left destitute and lost in my own skin.

     The problem here is... I still want to know what true love feels like.  I miss feeling the way I felt for all those years.  Happy, loved, important-- special.  When I was with him, I felt completed.  Anything in the world could have gone wrong, but it was okay because no matter what I had him.  Or was it all a lie?

     Will the fear of the unknown, the fear of the possibility of that happening again, keep me from being happy?  Will it keep me from being the person I used to be?  The girl who loves with her entire heart, not just a piece of it?  Obviously all of the questions that I ask in this post are completely rhetorical.  I wouldn't expect anyone to even try to answer them... I don't even know how to answer them or know if I ever will.

     I came across a song that completely encompasses my feelings about it all.  And most of you who read this know me very well, which means that you know that music can speak my emotions more than I can.

Lady Antebellum: Wanted You More

I kept waiting on a reason

and a call that never came

No, I never saw it comin'

Somethin' in you must've changed

All the words unspoken, 

promises broken-- I cried for so long.

Wasted too much time,

should've seen the signs.

Now I know just what went wrong.

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more

I guess I wanted you more

All the night we spent just talkin'

of the things we wanted out of life

Makin' plans and dreams together

I wish I'd seen, I was just too blind

My heart was open, exposed and hoping

for you to lay it on the line

but in the end it seemed

there was no room for me

still I tried to change your mind

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more

I guess I wanted you more

Ohh, I don't need you

I don't need you anymore

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

I don't need you

I don't need you anymore

     But you know what's funny?  After everything he put me through, you'd think I would despise him... when in reality, I don't wish him harm.  Karma will get him back, I don't have to.  I'm completely over him and would never want anything else to do with him, I just have to deal with the aftermath of, in essence, him.  

     As much as I feel like I will never get over what he did to me, I know that in the end I will.  I'm going to be happy one day, I'm going to find a love that completely sweeps me off my feet and makes me wonder what I ever saw in him.  I'm going to love, and I'm going to love hard.  I'm going to be the same sweet, caring woman in someone else's life... someone who is going to appreciate and love everything about me, everything that he lost because of his own stupidity.  And as much as I want to blame every man on earth for what he did to me, I know that the person I will end up loving for the rest of my life will not be compared in the least to him.  

I will be happy one day, I will... and YOU don't win.