I just want to take a few minutes and just acknowledge all that is happening in my life right now and point out some things that I want people to know. It seems it's God's will that I go through this turbulent time in my life where everything is uncertain when it comes to my health, my life, my ability to be NORMAL on any given day... and as hard as it is for me to accept, I know that it
must also be hard for everyone around me to accept it as well
considering that you only see what I ALLOW you to see.
This may be a little all over the place, but that's alright. I just need to get this out.
I am not okay. And that's okay. I have many more bad days than good.
I'm dealing with a hell of a lot of pain these days, and I'll admit-- I've gotten very crabby. If I'm not in a bad mood, I'm crying. Lately, laughter is just not in my vocabulary. But there's something I want you to know...
If you try to talk to me and it's not acknowledged... please don't feel ignored. I find it much easier to just stay away from people because my first reaction to anything is really ornery and annoyed. I'm not sure if it's the medication, the pain, my frustration or a combination of all of the above that makes me the way I am... but I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
So, please know that this is not me right now. I am not me right now.
I don't know how to answer your questions.
I am thankful that I have friends who try to stay in touch. Although there aren't many of you who actually message me, I do want you to know that you are appreciated even if it seems that you aren't.
With that being said... there is one question that annoys me more than anything else. "When are you going to get better? What are your doctors saying? You've been down and out for, like, months." I know this is innocent and harmless... but it really bothers me. Almost makes me feel like you think that I am intentionally this way. I wish I could snap my fingers and it be as simple as you feel it should be for me to get better. I can't tell you what I don't know.
All I know is that it kills me to do anything that is considered normal. I can stand in the kitchen for 10 minutes chopping peppers... and it takes me 2 hours to come down from the amount of pain I've caused myself. I can walk for 10 minutes around Old Navy after a chiropractor appointment to see what I can do... and it takes me 3-4 hours to be "okay" enough that I'm not crying. I literally do nothing during the day and try to rest up enough that I can sit up and eat dinner, or God forbid, go upstairs and take a 20 minute shower... and it renders me unable to do anything for the rest of the night.
No, I don't know why it's so severe.
My
back has had a lasting vendetta against me since the first injury 5
years ago. It's never taken me this long, or even half this long, to get
back to healthy, happy Ashley. It's never caused me as much pain as it
has this time... and it has never affected my leg, the way I walk, or
the way I sleep like it has this time. I have never had to endure so
much pain in my life.
There's nothing I can do to make this go away, or to
fully understand how long it's going to take for me to come out of this.
But until the MRI shows exactly what's happening back there, there is nothing I can do to ease your (or my) mind. I can't make the doctors go any faster than they are (trust me, I keep
myself on the phone with them for medication and appointments and it
doesn't help). And I can't make my body heal itself no matter how much I want it to.
Be grateful.
I watch your statuses on Facebook and I would kill to go to work and be miserable like you all say you are, or have to go to some lecture hall for something I really don't have an interest in yet it's required... I would even rather be heading to a family reunion that I really don't want to go to (because my family has issues just like every other family in the world).
I would literally kill to be you right now. Why? Because at least I wouldn't be a vegetable in the recliner at home... and I wouldn't be in so much pain that I feel nauseous at any given moment during the day or night no matter how many pain medications or muscle relaxers I've taken. At least I would be somewhat NORMAL.
I am not rebuking you for your statuses or even judging your lives... because I have been there, too. I have complained about normal every-day happenings that I really just didn't want to have to deal with. I've been that person who posts a status about how miserable I truly am about having to do things that I don't want to do (like being an adult-- let's be honest, none of us want to be an adult). God forbid I ever had to go somewhere I didn't want to go because I am weak and will say "yes" to offers I didn't really want to accept, but did it anyway to keep up appearances.
I just want you to take a second next time you post a status about how miserable your life is and just know that there are invisible "spoonies" reading them and wishing that they had your life, even if just for one day, so that they would know what it felt like just one more time to not hurt anymore. (Spoonies (n): people who live with chronic pain and have a set number of "spoons" they are allowed to use during a day so as not to expend too much energy or cause too much pain. Spoons is a theory developed by therapists)
I am now grateful for a life without pain.
Some people have it so much worse than I, and to
acknowledge that fact is honestly heartbreaking for me. To know that
there are people out there who are in 10x the pain I am right now every
single day... it literally makes me cry. I can't imagine how these
people live and not feel as if their entire life is a farce. I complain
of my pain and cry for my wounds... and there are people out there
battling cancers that cause 100x the pain my back and leg are causing
me.
Whenever, if ever, I'm allowed to escape from my pain's grasp... I am completely aware of the life I will be evermore grateful for. Life is too short, too precious, to complain about every little thing that doesn't go your way. This experience has been enlightening for me and, maybe that's it. Maybe God is using my pain as a platform to reach out to others and show them that life could be so much worse. It could be so much worse than your life's circumstances, mine, little Billy down the street's and your sister's mother's cheating ex-husband's.
We need to be thankful and know that we are truly blessed in the lives we're living... no matter what we're going through. There is beauty in the breaking; beauty in the pain.
Just know that I am not perfect and I cannot ever be.
I have horrible fits of desperation where I cry out to God and scream at Him for making me endure this (which isn't fair)... I have times where I believe everyone in my life doesn't care and would be better off not knowing me (which isn't true)... I have days where I just want to disappear from my "normal" life and never return to it (which is ridiculous)... and there are moments where I would rather be dead than to have to keep dealing with this (also untrue).
But know this-- I am still Ashley. I'm still here in this body and I am rational. No, I'm not suicidal (just in case you're wondering). My pain does not dictate who I am. I just need you to understand. That's all.
Sunday, October 11, 2015
Chronic pain; let's be real for a minute
Friday, September 18, 2015
Pepsi/FritoLay & the LGBT Movement
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Four Years
Four years. A lot can happen in four years. People graduate from high school, from college... kids go from middle school to high school, from Boy Scouts to Eagle Scouts. We change Presidents after four years. Four years is a long time.
Four years. That's exactly how long it's been since my entire life was turned upside down... so much so that I didn't even know which way was up or who I was at all. I had defined my life by someone who didn't define theirs by me-- and it cost me time, energy, sanity, and ultimately, a marriage.
Growing up in church, I always had my heart set on being married once. Finding that one special man that God had made just for me. The one that my soul yearned for; that I could grow with, pray with, build a family with. Spending time with him and learning more about why God had chosen that one just for me. Divorce wasn't an option and would "never" be an option... why would I need to worry about that if I married the one God made for me, anyway?
Unfortunately the one that I thought God had made for me was not the one He had in mind at all. I was blinded by sweet talk and empty promises... and instead of listening to gut feelings on an early marriage, I went through with it anyway. That's what you do when you love someone, right?
Most were against it. Looking back on it, I wish I had listened... but, I guess what they say is true. People learn from their mistakes and they have to do it the hard way. I never thought I'd be a victim of that truth, but here we are.
Through all of the events that took place back then, I trusted God more fervently than ever before. I immersed myself in worship, scripture, prayer. I thought that if I made all efforts to be a better person, daughter to Jesus, wife to my husband, daughter to my mother, etc., that I would surely be rewarded for it and, somehow, God would save my marriage. He had to, right? I was HIS daughter and I had never done anything even remotely heathen in my life... He would make sure nothing bad happened to me, right?
For months, I prayed and read my bible... I clung to a verse that one of my professors gave me on a scrap piece of paper one day during a test because she knew I was having troubles: "Take delight in the Lord and He will give you
your heart's desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord, trust Him
and He will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the
dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun."
Psalm 37:4-6.
To me, that verse basically meant that everything was going to be okay. My marriage was going to be okay. Wrong. You know what it truly meant? It meant that HE knows exactly what my heart desires and, ultimately, what my heart DESERVES. But, let's not get off track. I have a point I'm trying to make here.
After the divorce was finalized, my heart grew cold... and so did my personality, my persona. I was angry. God PROMISED to give me the desires of my heart in that verse, did He not? Why is my marriage ending... WHY am I having to endure such pain and heartbreak? I became furious with God and refused to speak to Him. REFUSED to have anything to do with Him. He didn't love me like He said He did.
Slowly but surely, God's truth came back to me and slapped me in the face harder each time. Several friends that I've met along the way have had circumstances similar to mine that I have helped them cope with, have prayed with and for them, and have ultimately used my experience to support and comfort someone else. I became that shoulder to cry on, that ear to listen, that face and voice of comfort. The trials that I faced were not to punish me... but to prepare me for what was to come. To prepare me for who He needed me to be for His purpose... not mine.
One day while moving my amazing Women's study bible, it fell open to a page that caught my attention. A verse I'd never seen before... and it's stuck with me ever since and has pretty much explained why all of my prayers went "unanswered" all those years before: "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you" 1 Peter 5:10.
I often think, "what if I could go back and change the past... listen to them?" It seems like an all-too-common statement or wish, but it crosses my mind frequently. But then I end up laughing at myself in the long run... why would I want to go back and change the past?
Ultimately I would just be changing myself. I may not be as innocent, pure, or tame as I was in the past, but I like who I am and the woman I've become. I am stronger and wiser; my experiences help me to help others. Yes, there are qualities about myself that I should probably work on, but most people have those as well.
I would never change my past because it's a part of me. It may be painful and filled with regret, but in the end... I learned all of the lessons that God saw fit for me to learn. I didn't follow the "perfect life plan" that I always wanted when I was younger... but, who does? Really?
If you're going through a hard time, just remember that God gives His toughest battles to His strongest warriors. Don't give up and don't stop trusting Him. He's gonna send people your way that you never thought would be there; messages from people you've never talked to; scriptures you never knew you needed.
"The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still" Exodus 14:14
Monday, October 27, 2014
Was the high really worth the pain?
Sometimes that's what I ask myself when I get hyped up about a date that never works out... or one that seems to work out, but you're really just being used for something other than finding "love". Does love even really exist anymore, or do people just like to play ridiculous games with other people's emotions?
I've honestly gotten to the point where I'm just completely apathetic. Why? Because people these days aren't looking for the love you've heard about in storybooks anymore.
We've all heard them... the stories about love triumphant, the girl always finds the man of her dreams and the guy somehow wins over the girl he's always chased. Unfortunately it seems that all of these made up stories about true love and finding your "soulmate" are just that-- stories. Seems to me that they should just be called fairytales or "musings of the helpless romantic".
I have to say that my past relationships have definitely taught me what I do and don't want. The only thing they didn't teach me is the fact that people can be whoever they want to be until you don't give them what they want. That's when the truth comes out. I just wish I could find one person who could prove me wrong... one person that is actually REAL in this world. Until then, I'm content with daydreaming about my future life.
For now, I'm better off alone. And that's okay.
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Nightmares
They're back.
The darkness of my past is screaming at me, tormenting me behind my lids. But like all nightmares when you wake, are gone. I don't remember my nightmares. I just remember bits and pieces; usually of whom is in them. And all I feel are the feelings I once felt, taking me against my will back into that dark black hole.
All I can remember is how I felt. All I felt was suffocation; life as I know was ending yet again. Over and over it plays in my mind. The faces, the voices-- all dancing to my sobs.
I wake up and my cheeks are wet with tears that I don't understand. I'm gasping with every morsel in my body for just one breath of air and yet I can't breathe. I'm so confused that I turn on the lights and scramble to figure out what happened and what my body is reacting to... and then it comes back slowly.
My dreams have turned into nightmares once more.
He's there. I'm re-living my past and everything that is in me screams. He is single-handedly ending life as I knew it. Over and over. The events of those 7 months are replaying in my mind and those familiar questions sneak their way inside.
All of the work that I've done to escape them, all of the time I've spent fighting-- ruined. They're back. The nightmares are back. And there's absolutely nothing I can do but try to forget.
Forgive and forget, they say. I can forgive, but I can't forget. Just when I think I've forgotten, the nightmares remind me of the latter. It's still very much present in my heart.
And that familiar voice rings true in my head: "when will I be free?"
Wednesday, August 7, 2013
Insomnia.
Insomnia. That treacherous thing that comes in the dead of the night when you have so much on your mind that you just can't drift off like you desperately want to do. So many thoughts are coursing through my head that I just can't seem to make sense of one versus another because it all seems to be bleeding together like colors in the wash. The only reasoning I can really draw from this is that I need to get thoughts off of my chest... and what better way to do so than to advertise it to the online community, right? Writing is often an avenue for stress relief and rationality that other avenues just cannot offer.
The thoughts in my head are mainly those of my life and the direction in which it is heading; this direction is not the direction that I so often dreamed of as a young woman. Thoughts of how I had planned my entire life almost to the T and how it's just not being fulfilled in the least.
My 24th birthday is in 21 days exactly, and am I excited? Am I thrilled at the thought of being one year older, one year closer to my success? No, I'm not. 24. It's a constant reminder to what could have been but isn't. What should've been but will never be. No, it's just something else to reiterate the notion that I am a college graduate holding a Bachelor's degree with no job, no leads, and living at home under the support of my mother. I never intended to mooch off of my parents, nor did I ever intend to graduate and be jobless with no hopes of a real job without going back to school and watching the mountain of loans I already have grow much larger.
My friends are getting jobs, getting married, having babies... enjoying their families. And I'm sitting here like a toddler caught in the riptide with no hope of salvation from the ocean's deathly grip. I can't help but feel like I'm a disappointment. You can see it in the eyes of my family members and family friends. Although I have graduated from ECU and I have aced the GRE in preparation for graduate school... you can see the disappointment on their faces when they realize I have no job, no prospects, and years of yet more school lying ahead of me. Or is that just my own disappointment reflecting in their eyes back at me? I guess I can't tell at this point.
I was always the girl that was a sure-thing for the fast track. Straight A's, University, job, success, marriage, children, etc. I've always been good at anything I've put my mind and heart into. Yet for the real world, it doesn't seem to suffice. It's nothing to be intelligent, hard working, dedicated, motivated and determined-- it's all in who you know. I'm sorry that I would rather be hired because of who I am and what I bring to the table in exchange for knowing the head honcho at the board of directors.
So I'm left at a crossroads with a million questions ringing in my ears. Where do I go from here? How do I make this work for my good? Where do I turn when I have no other options? How am I going to pay my loan payments? How do I get a job that requires experience when no one is willing to give it? How do I go to school to receive certifications so that I can use my degree instead of wasting it when I don't have the money to pay the tuition... because I don't have a job? Life is hinged on money and it is ridiculous.
The American Dream? More like the American Nightmare.
I know it's normal for people my age to feel this way and that "it'll all be okay, it'll all work out the way it should in the end". But it doesn't excuse the fact that it is not what I had planned. It is not what I worked so hard for. And I guess I just wanted better for myself. That's all.
Hasta la próxima vez.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Happiness don't drag its feet when its time has come...
It's been a while since I've sat down and actually wrote to my heart's content. For some reason, writing really does do my soul some good-- even if it doesn't help anyone else. I don't even really have to talk about my feelings for it to help me. I wonder if it's that way for anyone else?
So with that being said, here I am with a candle burning, Pandora singing, and a box of tissues (Summertime colds are no fun!) ready to write about my observances.
It has come to my attention that society's focus on the dating world and having the "perfect" girlfriend or boyfriend has become the central idea in everyone's minds. If you aren't dating or have a significant other, it's like the world looks at you as being either a prude or a "poor, poor, pitiful girl/guy" lonelier than the next. I'm not sure why everyone is feigning to find that one person they can spend all their time with. People are actually SEARCHING for this person, this person that will make all of their dreams come true... this person that will miraculously make all of their problems go away with a single smile. I hate to break it to you-- even the best relationship has its issues and no matter how hard that person tries, they can't make your problems go away. You have to rely on yourself to make those problems go away.
This brings me to my next point: why I am not dating anyone right now. Focus on the last sentence of the previous paragraph-- you have to rely on yourself to make your problems go away. Your happiness depends on you, not someone else. Why put the dependence of your happiness in someone who may or may not be there forever? You're setting yourself up for failure. Before entering a relationship, or even a dating situation, I feel like you should love yourself and have faith in your own happiness before you bring someone else into that bubble we call our lives. If you can't make yourself happy, you can't make someone else happy... and you sure as Hades can't expect that person to bring you happiness if you can't do it yourself.
What I'm saying is that I need to work on myself before I date again. They say it takes a year to get over a heartbreak. To date, it has been exactly a year and a half since the date of my divorce. I wholeheartedly agree that it took an entire year to get over that heartbreak. You may be saying, "Well, Ashley, that leaves 6 months unaccounted for." No, it really doesn't. The last 6 months have been about me trying to find who I am without someone else; really getting to know myself and what makes me happy or sad before I find someone else to take his place.
While I'm over the heartbreak, I am not over the situation and what the last one did to me. He betrayed my trust; I fully trusted him and everything he said to me. I had absolutely no doubts even when friends would bring up valid ideas and points about our relationship. That's what you're supposed to do in a relationship, right? Believe your significant other over everyone else, right? Wrong. I should've listened. But the point of the matter is, I'm not over the betrayal. I'm not over the idea that someone could have that much power over my emotions that I allowed them to betray my trust and, ultimately, my heart.
Being that I feel this way-- that I cannot trust someone yet-- leads me back to my first point. I have to work on me and work on my trusting skills before I can really, honestly, completely agree to being with someone again. As much as I want someone to be there, as much as I WANT to trust someone and to love again... the ultimate truth is that right now, I'm just not able to do that. And that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me. I used to refer to myself as "damaged goods" and "broken"... but the truth of the matter is that I am neither. I am someone who is figuring herself out by staying single in a world full of relationships, marriages, etc.
Everyone goes through their stages of grieving... and some go through them in a different order than other. Now, you may say that a heartbreak is not a cause for grieving, but I would have to disagree. Any sudden loss can send someone into a grievance cycle. In a way, that person is now "dead to you"; in fact, it would seem as if they really did die. The 5 stages (common) are as follows: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. If I had to peg myself, I would have to say that I'm in the 5th and final phase and have been for a while. There's no time limit for the cycles, as you may know, and everyone has their own timing. So that you can better understand me and where I'm at these days, I've looked up the characteristics of this phase to give you a better explanation:
"This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression [...] Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular
experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand
all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for
you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can
do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you.
Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing."
So, before you try to understand why I do the things I do or give me the whole, "I just want you to be happy again" line... please remember that there is a healing process that I am going through and that I cannot just rush it for anyone and everyone. [This is mainly directed towards my family and friends... please know that I love you, but I need my own time. I will get there, I promise.]
I will come back better than ever, you'll see. Just give me the time that I need.
-Ashley
If you want more information about the 5 stages of grief, click here.
Hasta la próxima vez.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
I just want to scream.
Sometimes things in life are so wrong that you just don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces.
Things can start happening that would make a normal person feel as if there is still hope in the world, yet all it does is push you farther down into the hole you've been trying to escape for years. You know that you should be thankful because you are beyond blessed with a place to call home, a car to drive, a job to go to and food to eat... but yet you can't shake this feeling that you're just not who you're supposed to be.
Somehow you have lost all knowledge of who you are, what you're doing, why you're doing it, and where to go from here. Someone mentioned the idea of an "identity crisis" to me today and it dawned on me... that is exactly what I'm experiencing at this point in my life. I have always known who I was, where I was going, how I was going to get there and I knew exactly how to piece the puzzle, that I call my life, together as one.
Now I'm a recent college graduate with no job prospectives because of the lack of an internship, waiting on that e-mail or phone call from an internship that says "Congratulations! You've been accepted as a cultural ambassador for the 2013-2014 school year in Sevilla, Spain", working a minimum wage job just to get by (but really I'm not getting by at all) and digging deeper into misery. The question "Who am I?" is often followed by the answer "I have no idea" these days. I just can't seem to remember who I am and I'm not sure how I am supposed to figure that out.
I know that I should be thankful to be where I am today; I have a college degree and I actually have a job, but I can't shake the disappointment I have in myself. I am 23 years old and should be able to live on my own, pay my own bills, and take care of myself... yet I've had to revert back to being a teenager accepting money and help from my mother. I'm not one to ask for help and I'm not one to want to put my mother in a bind financially; it's draining the life out of me. It makes me feel worthless.
I just wish someone could tell me who I am and where I'm supposed to go from here. I wish that life would get easier.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
People are always going to let you down.
Sometimes when I think about my life and how it is compared to my "dream" life, it makes me sad to think that I will never escape the "norm" I have come to accept. People are always going to let me down, but even worse still... I am always going to let myself down.
No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am okay, the inevitable truth is that I'm not okay. That life is not okay. Events in my past have dragged me down to the state I am in now... some days are good, some days are bad. The funny thing about that is, I'm the only one that is holding myself back from being happy, successful, in love, etc. I allow the things in my present and past to tear me down on a constant daily basis assuming that I am not good enough or worth enough to have the dreams I want to pursue, the education and careers I want to obtain, the love and family I want to fulfill. Try as I may, I just can't "get it right". I rationalize things to such a degree that even things that seem remotely fun or enjoyable are not rational to me. I have such a sense of responsibility that I can't do things to make myself happy. My mind conflicts with my heart and my decisions are always based on someone else's feelings instead of my own. I was raised to be that way but I'm starting to feel like it's more of a curse than a blessing.
I need my friends beside me when I'm having a terrible day/week/month/whatever... but it seems I always end up being a doormat for the people that I love the most, family and friends. I would do anything and everything just to keep their heavy burdens a little bit lighter... and yet the people who I call my "friends" (sometimes even the ones I call my "best friends") always let me down. Always; it never fails. Friendship is a two-way street. You can't expect someone to be there for you during all of your breakdowns, do things for you that no one else had the time or money to do, to be the person who drops everything just because you're having a terrible night... and then when they need you the most, turn your back on them because you just don't have time for that in your life.
The point is this: I'm tired of being that doormat. The problem is this: I don't know how to stop being that doormat. I don't like to be called selfish, mean, ornery, or anything of the like... but it's getting to the point where I feel like I need to be that. The ones of you who decide that you want to be my "friends" or "best friends", prove it. I'm over trying to be there for you when you don't do the same for me.
Note: To my absolute best friends who've stood faithfully by me through everything no matter what, I thank you with all of my heart. You truly are the meaning of love and friendship (in alphabetical order so you guys don't get cranky, kk?): Allison, Alton Ray, Ashley, Jonathan, Lindsey, Marenda, Rhonda.
It's ironic how the list continues to get shorter with time.
Hasta la próxima vez.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Chasing Pavements
by Adele
Friday, October 12, 2012
Changes
It's been brought to my attention that all of my close friends, the ones who are supposed to be the best of the best, feel that I have changed since high school. Apparently I am not the same person I was before I moved to Greenville and I have changed to the point where no one knows "this person" I've become. It amazes me that the people who are bringing this to my attention... are some of the worst offenders of change I've ever seen. Hold on, let's take one step back. Since when is changing such a bad thing?
As we grow older, we change. Our beliefs change. Who we are changes. Especially if you go to a university. In my experience, it changes you a whole lot. It broadens your horizons and opens your mind to different ways of living, different walks of life, different people, different cultures. The way you think starts to change because you become more "liberal" and accepting of all that is different. You being to be open-minded and experienced-- you enter into the 21st century, people. Yes, it changes you. It doesn't necessarily mean that it's a bad thing like people would lead you to believe. Changes in your life will change who you are whether or not you want them to.
In my case, change has not been a bad thing. I'm not sorry about it one bit. I've been through things that have changed me as a person. I don't like all of the changes that have been made in my life, but there is nothing I can do about that. They are, however, changes in me that I love and I embrace. This is me, this is who I am, who I was meant to be. I'm no longer naive, I don't let people walk all over me, I have my own
opinion and you're going to know it... but I am not a cruel person, I do
not say things about my friends behind their backs that I wouldn't tell
them at the right time and place.
Just because I don't fit your ideal description of who you want me to be doesn't mean I am not who I am supposed to be.
Maybe before you start acting like you're Mother Theresa... you should probably make sure that all your laundry is clean.
/End Rant
Monday, October 8, 2012
Happy Ending
"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told, implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy... maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over. Freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing that after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope." -Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
His Eye is on the Sparrow
Sunday, September 2, 2012
"UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." -Dr. Seuss
Tonight, Dylan and I ordered chinese takeout and lounged about watching The Lorax. Happy Labor Day to us, right? Neither of us have ever seen the movie and thought it would be pretty neat to watch together... he is my nephew, after all and we both share a love of animated movies, I mean c'mon! Don't act like you guys don't like animated movies (i.e., Disney, Pixar). Instead of ultimately watching a movie that I thought would prove to be super cute and laid back... I find that this movie made me think a lot. Especially the quote at the end of the movie from Dr. Seuss, "UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."
Now, this quote can be applied to a whole bunch of different scenarios and situations, but it got me thinking of cultural acceptance in the United States. Most of you know that I'm a hispanic studies major at ECU, so of course it's natural that I would automatically think of the acceptance-- or lack thereof-- of the Spanish speaking population here in America. Obviously everyone has their own opinion and are entitled to them; I'm not trying to say that any one opinion is wrong or that someone is insensitive because they have a different opinion than I do. I'm simply stating mine.
If you are a native Spanish speaker and you are here in the United States legally, I believe that you should have the same rights that I do because America prides itself on being the "melting pot" of the world.
A lot of people will actually fight me on this belief saying that if your first language is Spanish, then you should be deported. I don't believe that's correct for legal immigrants. Note that I said LEGAL. If you are here illegally and you expect to get the same treatment and benefits that we as Americans receive, then I am all for the deportation laws. That's just not fair. You aren't contributing to this nation nor its economy, so you should not be allowed to partake in its wealth. With that being said, I do believe that deportation laws should not be applicable to children under the age of 18. Most of these children did not ask to come here, and a lot of them were born here. To them, this is the only "home" they've ever known. To deport them with their illegal parents and family members is like stripping them of everything they've ever had. It isn't their fault they were born here illegally.
There are some people who believe that if you're not a native English speaker, then you should be deported anyway because you "are not accepted here; we no speak-ay da Spanish" (I literally heard that line this weekend). This makes me so mad. America prides itself on being the "melting pot", the most "diverse" nation on this planet, the most "accepting" of them all (whether it be race, religion, culture, etc). If this is so, why are the majority of southern Americans still on this kick of being so much better than everyone else? If I were born in a different country where there were absolutely no opportunities to advance myself as a person or to make a better life for my family, I would want to immigrate to the "land of opportunities" as well. I would want my children to learn English, go to American universities and make something of themselves. They would be RICH in culture because not only would they know their own culture, but they would learn the American way of life as well.
Honestly, I think this is one of the worst forms of discrimination in the United States. People learn that someone is a mexican, latino, etc., and they automatically assume that they are freeloaders and shouldn't be here. Thank you very much, but most of my native Spanish friends are all here legally and are contributing to America's economy very well. Sometimes I honestly wish I were of hispanic descent because they are the most caring individuals I have ever met. They are hard workers and so intelligent. Take for example a friend of mine; she just graduated from ECU with honors and is now in grad school at NC State. Another friend of mine is in Puerto Rico for the semester; not only is she finishing her bachelor's there, she's learning so much about her heritage as well.
Obviously if you think that Spanish speakers (or any other immigrants for that matter) are "second class citizens", you are ignorant and we should not be friends. But you know who are the worst offenders of this tragic misconception? People who never went to college, who never broadened their horizons and went from high school straight into a minimum wage job. I'm ashamed to say that some of my own family members probably feel that way because they are old fashioned and set in their ways. Can't people see that this is just another form of "racism"? Just another way to discriminate against people who are different than you are? It's so ignorant... you can learn so much about the world and about yourself from people who are DIFFERENT than you.
Coming to ECU was the best decision I've ever made in my life and I would do it again if I had to. I have learned so much and met such a broad spectrum of people. These people have made me a better person, they have shown me the light. Discrimination is not okay in any form or fashion. I don't care who you are, you should respect all people no matter their heritage, race, gender, sexual preference, etc. Some people may say that I've become too "liberal" and that ECU has completely "changed me", but I believe that I have been changed for the better. The southern states in America are the last to change, but it's been a long time coming and needs to happen. Life would be so much better if everyone just got along.
I could go on and on and on and on about this topic, but I think I'm going to stop here. So, my question to you is: Do you care enough about your beloved nation, and the morals/values we pride ourselves in, enough to stop discrimination in all forms?
Food for thought.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Wanted You More
The more I think about the past 5 years of my life, the clearer it becomes that I was blinded by something that was never real. If it had been real, it would still be. Never have I felt the way I did when I was with him, talking to him, loving him. We barely saw each other because of circumstances that we could not control (military), but did that stop me from loving him? From wanting to be with him? From wanting to make it work through the most difficult times where others would have cracked under the pressure? No. It didn't. The fact of the matter was that I would have done anything for him, anything. All he had to do was ask and that's what I would have done.
SN: It actually makes me wonder. If that wasn't real... how amazing is the REAL thing going to feel?
Knowing that everything I have said is true... is why it is hard for me to let my guard down and be open to love again. I was consumed by what I thought was true love, one love. Consumed by the idea that I would never need anyone else, he was everything to me. When our relationship crumbled and fell apart... so did I. I crumbled because of a mistake that HE made. It scares me to know that when I love, I love with everything I have and everything that I am. The way I was a year ago-- I never want to be that way again. I never want to give someone so much power over me that if they leave, I'm left destitute and lost in my own skin.
The problem here is... I still want to know what true love feels like. I miss feeling the way I felt for all those years. Happy, loved, important-- special. When I was with him, I felt completed. Anything in the world could have gone wrong, but it was okay because no matter what I had him. Or was it all a lie?
Will the fear of the unknown, the fear of the possibility of that happening again, keep me from being happy? Will it keep me from being the person I used to be? The girl who loves with her entire heart, not just a piece of it? Obviously all of the questions that I ask in this post are completely rhetorical. I wouldn't expect anyone to even try to answer them... I don't even know how to answer them or know if I ever will.
I came across a song that completely encompasses my feelings about it all. And most of you who read this know me very well, which means that you know that music can speak my emotions more than I can.
I guess I wanted you more
Monday, July 30, 2012
Heartbreak
So many of my friends are going through rough times right now. It truly breaks my heart to watch them suffer. I can go through all of the tough crap in my life and not feel sorry for myself, but as soon as one of my friends starts hurting... it's like my heart tears itself in two. This time, it's not just one friend, but many. The heartache spreads across a spectrum; from relationship heartbreak to losing someone who is closest to them before it's their time, from depression issues to utter disappointment with life. Sometimes it makes me wonder why we go through the things we go through. But you know what we all have in common? The need to have wonderful people around us to help us through; at the end of the day, love and compassion go the farthest in helping someone through any type of heartbreak.
So this blog post goes out to them. They all know who they are. I found a bunch of bible verses and quotes from different people that I believe will help you through, or at least give you hope enough to get through the night. I love you all.
"No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again." -Buddha
"Strength doesn't come from what you CAN do, it comes from overcoming what you once thought you couldn't."
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle." -Christian D. Larson
"God changes caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls, and coal into diamonds using TIME and PRESSURE. He's working on you, too." -Rick Warren
"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." -Exodus 14:14
"Faith in God includes faith in His timing." -Neal A. Maxwell
"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone." -Audrey Hepburn
"Your most effective ministries will come from your deepest hurts." -Anonymous
"Above all things, have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins." -1 Peter 4:8
"Promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." -Christopher Robin (Winnie the Pooh)
"When everything seems to be going against you, remember than an airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." -Henry Ford
"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Summer Goals
- Lose weight
- Eat healthier
- Tone up
- Drink WATER
- Start running again
- Feel better
- Reset my sleep patterns
- Go outside and play with Macy more
- Keep working on my tannn
- Quit thinking negatively
- Discover more music
- Be less neurotic
- Crawl out of this hole called "depression" once and for all
- Be the source of my own happiness
- Spend more time with my family and friends
- Read the books I bought for the summer
- Do more crafts/cook more things found on Pinterest
- Don't worry about guys; when I'm ready, I'll know it
- Get my 31 business up and running again
- Decide which classes to drop for the fall semester
- Look into paid internships in España, Argentina, etc. for the spring semester
- Look for another job for the fall semester
- Take the GRE, apply to grad schools
- Decide what I really want to get my Master's in: Translation, Professorship in Hispanic Studies, or Bilingual Social Work
Monday, June 4, 2012
"I will love you for you"
I will give you the love,
- Christian
- Trustworthy
- Honest
- Caring
- Compassionate
- Dependable
- Friendly/kind
- Outgoing
- Wonderful personality
- Ambition
- Determination
- Humorous
- Non-judgmental
- Great smile
- Patience
- Maturity
- Short distance
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Cry Out To Jesus
I'm not sure why I'm sharing the lyrics of this song right now, I just have a strong urge to do so. This song always speaks to me because a lot of it can apply to me or my life in some aspect. But tonight, I don't think it's for me. Maybe it's supposed to speak to someone else's heart? Maybe.
Click here to watch the video.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Your Own Footprints.
It's funny the things you can find every so often that you have left for yourself (intentionally or not). It seems that I'm getting good at that; the only difference is that I usually intend on doing something with my thoughts but then they somehow become "displaced", lost or forgotten. Hah! Sometimes it's quotes of encouragement, others it's just random song lyrics that I can't get out of my head on any particular day.
Today I was looking through my phone waiting at the doctor's office when I found a note that I had written almost a year ago. It was the beginning of a diary entry that I decided to record in my phone and save for later so that I could go back and add to it... but never did. It caught me a bit off guard because what I had wrote was the way I was feeling today. It's crazy how that happens, huh? Here was the entry:
July 11, 2011
I have been feeling down about myself today. So much so that I started to feel ugly as sin. I was to the point of tears, so I sat down and decided to just open the Bible and see what God wanted to say to me. Without even looking, I just opened to the page that would come open the easiest... and this is what I read:
Song of Songs
6:4 You are beautiful, my darling
like the lovely city of Tirzah.
Yes, as beautiful as Jerusalem,
as majestic as an army with billowing banners.
6:5 Turn your eyes away,
for they overpower me,
your hair falls in waves,
like a flock of goats winding down
the slopes of Gilead.
I guess the Bible really is God's love letter to me.
All I can really say is, "wow". Re-reading and re-experiencing that made me feel chills down my spine. People say they can't "feel" God, that one cannot expect them to "hear" God... when really, they aren't looking in the right places, or really searching for what God is trying to say to them. I've learned a major lesson today, just in re-reading my own diary entry from a year ago. It gives me hope and makes me feel as if nothing can stop me. God knows exactly what to say to you when you're down if you'll only let Him. How wonderful that feeling is...
I guess the reason why I'm sharing a (private) diary entry is because I really wanted you to understand that I'm not perfect and I never will be... that my life has never been a fairy tale. But, God has been there every step of the way with me. I may not feel His presence around me constantly, but when I need it most, He is there. All you have to do is ask of Him and you shall receive. We've been taught that all our lives, right? Well, it's true and I'm here to prove it.
Another (private) example. Last year when I was going through a very rough time in my life, I woke up out of a dead sleep one night unable to breathe, unable to calm my heart rate, unable to stop shaking and crying. I don't even understand why it happened, so I chalk it all up to stress now. All I can remember is looking up at the ceiling and begging God to help me stop this because I couldn't do it by myself. You may not believe this, some people don't-- but kid you not, within a minute, I was able to breathe, my heart had picked up its normal rhythm. All I could think was, "wow". It actually scared me because I had never felt His presence so strongly.
There are other examples I could give you from that time frame, but the main thing that I want you to realize right now is that God is real. Yes, things may happen to where you ask, "why me?" or "why would you do this, Lord?"... and there are times where you may not understand, but He is there in anything and everything. He will never leave you, especially in your times of need. It's like that poem said: there is only one set of footprints in your walk with Christ because He is carrying you.
Food for thought.
