Insomnia.

Insomnia.  That treacherous thing that comes in the dead of the night when you have so much on your mind that you just can't drift off like you desperately want to do.  So many thoughts are coursing through my head that I just can't seem to make sense of one versus another because it all seems to be bleeding together like colors in the wash.  The only reasoning I can really draw from this is that I need to get thoughts off of my chest... and what better way to do so than to advertise it to the online community, right?  Writing is often an avenue for stress relief and rationality that other avenues just cannot offer.

The thoughts in my head are mainly those of my life and the direction in which it is heading; this direction is not the direction that I so often dreamed of as a young woman. Thoughts of how I had planned my entire life almost to the T and how it's just not being fulfilled in the least. 

My 24th birthday is in 21 days exactly, and am I excited? Am I thrilled at the thought of being one year older, one year closer to my success?  No, I'm not. 24. It's a constant reminder to what could have been but isn't. What should've been but will never be. No, it's just something else to reiterate the notion that I am a college graduate holding a Bachelor's degree with no job, no leads, and living at home under the support of my mother.  I never intended to mooch off of my parents, nor did I ever intend to graduate and be jobless with no hopes of a real job without going back to school and watching the mountain of loans I already have grow much larger. 

My friends are getting jobs, getting married, having babies... enjoying their families.  And I'm sitting here like a toddler caught in the riptide with no hope of salvation from the ocean's deathly grip. I can't help but feel like I'm a disappointment. You can see it in the eyes of my family members and family friends. Although I have graduated from ECU and I have aced the GRE in preparation for graduate school... you can see the disappointment on their faces when they realize I have no job, no prospects, and years of yet more school lying ahead of me. Or is that just my own disappointment reflecting in their eyes back at me? I guess I can't tell at this point.

I was always the girl that was a sure-thing for the fast track. Straight A's, University, job, success, marriage, children, etc.  I've always been good at anything I've put my mind and heart into.  Yet for the real world, it doesn't seem to suffice. It's nothing to be intelligent, hard working, dedicated, motivated and determined-- it's all in who you know.  I'm sorry that I would rather be hired because of who I am and what I bring to the table in exchange for knowing the head honcho at the board of directors.

So I'm left at a crossroads with a million questions ringing in my ears. Where do I go from here? How do I make this work for my good? Where do I turn when I have no other options? How am I going to pay my loan payments? How do I get a job that requires experience when no one is willing to give it? How do I go to school to receive certifications so that I can use my degree instead of wasting it when I don't have the money to pay the tuition... because I don't have a job?  Life is hinged on money and it is ridiculous. 

The American Dream? More like the American Nightmare.

I know it's normal for people my age to feel this way and that "it'll all be okay, it'll all work out the way it should in the end".  But it doesn't excuse the fact that it is not what I had planned. It is not what I worked so hard for.  And I guess I just wanted better for myself. That's all.



Hasta la próxima vez.