Nightmares

They're back.

The darkness of my past is screaming at me, tormenting me behind my lids. But like all nightmares when you wake, are gone. I don't remember my nightmares. I just remember bits and pieces; usually of whom is in them. And all I feel are the feelings I once felt, taking me against my will back into that dark black hole.

All I can remember is how I felt. All I felt was suffocation; life as I know was ending yet again. Over and over it plays in my mind. The faces, the voices-- all dancing to my sobs.

I wake up and my cheeks are wet with tears that I don't understand. I'm gasping with every morsel in my body for just one breath of air and yet I can't breathe. I'm so confused that I turn on the lights and scramble to figure out what happened and what my body is reacting to... and then it comes back slowly.

My dreams have turned into nightmares once more.

He's there. I'm re-living my past and everything that is in me screams. He is single-handedly ending life as I knew it. Over and over. The events of those 7 months are replaying in my mind and those familiar questions sneak their way inside.

All of the work that I've done to escape them, all of the time I've spent fighting-- ruined. They're back. The nightmares are back. And there's absolutely nothing I can do but try to forget.

Forgive and forget, they say. I can forgive, but I can't forget. Just when I think I've forgotten, the nightmares remind me of the latter. It's still very much present in my heart.

And that familiar voice rings true in my head: "when will I be free?"