Sometimes when I think about my life and how it is compared to my "dream" life, it makes me sad to think that I will never escape the "norm" I have come to accept. People are always going to let me down, but even worse still... I am always going to let myself down.
No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am okay, the inevitable truth is that I'm not okay. That life is not okay. Events in my past have dragged me down to the state I am in now... some days are good, some days are bad. The funny thing about that is, I'm the only one that is holding myself back from being happy, successful, in love, etc. I allow the things in my present and past to tear me down on a constant daily basis assuming that I am not good enough or worth enough to have the dreams I want to pursue, the education and careers I want to obtain, the love and family I want to fulfill. Try as I may, I just can't "get it right". I rationalize things to such a degree that even things that seem remotely fun or enjoyable are not rational to me. I have such a sense of responsibility that I can't do things to make myself happy. My mind conflicts with my heart and my decisions are always based on someone else's feelings instead of my own. I was raised to be that way but I'm starting to feel like it's more of a curse than a blessing.
I need my friends beside me when I'm having a terrible day/week/month/whatever... but it seems I always end up being a doormat for the people that I love the most, family and friends. I would do anything and everything just to keep their heavy burdens a little bit lighter... and yet the people who I call my "friends" (sometimes even the ones I call my "best friends") always let me down. Always; it never fails. Friendship is a two-way street. You can't expect someone to be there for you during all of your breakdowns, do things for you that no one else had the time or money to do, to be the person who drops everything just because you're having a terrible night... and then when they need you the most, turn your back on them because you just don't have time for that in your life.
The point is this: I'm tired of being that doormat. The problem is this: I don't know how to stop being that doormat. I don't like to be called selfish, mean, ornery, or anything of the like... but it's getting to the point where I feel like I need to be that. The ones of you who decide that you want to be my "friends" or "best friends", prove it. I'm over trying to be there for you when you don't do the same for me.
Note: To my absolute best friends who've stood faithfully by me through everything no matter what, I thank you with all of my heart. You truly are the meaning of love and friendship (in alphabetical order so you guys don't get cranky, kk?): Allison, Alton Ray, Ashley, Jonathan, Lindsey, Marenda, Rhonda.
It's ironic how the list continues to get shorter with time.
Hasta la próxima vez.
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