Only thing to do is jump over the moon.

I've been contemplating the past few days about the decisions that I've made and that I need to make for myself.  I've decided to go on dates, to hang out with a guy/guys, to try to move on with my life.  But, it seems that I've lost all confidence and all hope in men... and I know it's because of what I went through this past year.  As inconvenient and unfair as it seems to men, I just can't shake myself of these feelings.


It's like I told my friend... it's like my mind connects the concept of a man to feelings like fear, sadness, depression, anxiety, etc.  I don't know what to do about it other than to go seek professional help, but I really don't want to look like a nutjob.  Apparently I'm already a broken person as it is.  


I know I shouldn't rush the healing process, I know.  I just want to be happy.  I'm so tired of being sad, of feeling alone, of being scared. I just want my life to go on and stop keeping me in this valley.  As much as I want that, there's this fear that just keeps holding me back from doing anything about it.  It's like I'm my own brick wall.  I've decided to just focus on me, I think.  Focus on school, life, and worry about love as it comes.


Where to go from here?  Lord only knows.

It's been a while...

I've been procrastinating on writing another blog post.  If you ask me why, I probably would not be able to tell you.  Between finals last semester and the ruckus of the holidays, it just wasn't my top priority.  But, I have been informed today by a very special friend that she missed seeing my blog posts... and that gave me a boost of energy.  Perhaps I should use this blog as a sort of expenditure of emotions and thoughts.  It would definitely help my New Year's Resolution to be LESS stressed this year!  Relaxation is key.

The holidays were very crazy, as always!  But they were definitely good.  I have found that as I grow older, the excitement of Christmas morning has faded... but I believe that it is a good thing rather than a bad thing.  Over the years, you realize that Christmas isn't about the presents; it isn't about "Santa" and all of the magic that he brings to Christmas.  It's not about all that at all (obviously it is for the children, but as I have none of my own... it isn't important at this time for me to be excited about it).  I have to say that Christmas day, for me, was a day of reflection.  I spent the day looking back on the entire year before; where I began, the trials and tribulations during the year, the climb back up to being "okay", and the level that I'm at now.  It's crazy how far you can come after being knocked down to your lowest point... but I have to say that I wouldn't have been able to do it without my Creator. 

I think the biggest lesson I've learned this past year is that God puts trials and tribulations, speed bumps, in our path... but it isn't to make our lives miserable.  They are tests, tools, lessons that He believes you must learn in order to keep traveling on His path for your life.  I'll admit that at first I didn't understand why so many bad things could happen to a good person... but when I started reading my bible and talking to friends who believed in the same way that I did, it all became so clear.  The path I had chosen was not the path that God wanted for me, and in doing so I caused myself to travel a harder, rockier path.  But it's okay... I believe Him when He says that if He brings you to it, He'll see you through it.  How true is that statement?  So true.

The biggest questions that keep being sent my way are "Are you doing okay?" and "Are you dating again?".  I am actually much happier than I was this past year... and I may actually be happier than I was with him.  Reason being that I am more confident in my strength and who I am as a person.  I am not defined by anyone, therefore I cannot be crushed by anyone again.  God defines me now, and that is how it should have been all along, to be honest.  I realize that now.  You know, maybe it was one of those... "come to Jesus meetings" that God placed in my path.  As terrible as it was, I've learned a lot, including what I do and do not want in a partner.

As to the second question... slowly but surely.  I've been talking to a few here and there, but mostly I weed out what I don't want.  I know it sounds cynical, but after being through what I have been through, it's much easier to stop something from happening in the beginning rather than being caught up into something that you don't need to be caught up in!  What people need to realize is that I've learned that patience, time, and healing needs to happen before I even consider moving into another relationship.  It's nothing that I absolutely need in my life.  I truly need to figure out who I am and who my Creator wants me to be before I bring someone else into my life (as in "serious relationship" wise).  Yes, I may go on dates, hang out or just be friends with men... but is that really any of your concern?  Haha!  It will happen in due time; rushing something is not going to solve anything.

Hmm... I think that is all for now.  I have to get ready for my translation class!  This class is rocking my world.  I absolutely love it.  I think it's because I actually have fun in the class and my professor is one of mis favoritas EVER!  Guess we'll see how the rest of the semester goes.

Hasta la próxima vez.

It's in the journey...

A friend of mine brought a song to my attention tonight that really made me think. 

Throughout this past year, I've wanted things to go back to the way they used to be... before my life seemed to crumble and fall apart right before my eyes.  If I had just done something differently, maybe it wouldn't have happened.  After I finally let that go and realized that there was absolutely nothing that I could have done about it... I started asking God to change my life.  To make it all better, to make it all go away so that I could be happy again.  I even became frustrated more than once because nothing I did seemed to make any difference.  Nothing seemed to help the healing process.

But, you know... this song really made me think.  I am a stone, my life is not perfect.  Although I have been hurt beyond belief and feel as if I'm damaged, I am a smooth stone in my God's hands.  As much as I hate that it is taking longer than I would like, time brings change and change takes time.  My heart will heal in due time, as will my life.  In the meantime, I just need to be patient and focus on God's love for me.  He has a plan for me... and I have always believed that.  This was a lesson in my life that I apparently needed to learn, and if that's so, then I should be grateful. Who knows?  Perhaps He has something far more wonderful planned just for me!

You never know why you go through certain things in life... whatever you've been through, God has a plan and a way for you.  You just need to believe in Him.  He never promised that the path would be easy, but He did promise that He would carry you through.

 

Lyrics provided by STlyrics.com

Rolling River God -- Nichole Nordeman 

Rolling river God
Little stones are smooth
Only once the water passes through
So, I am a stone
Rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this river's chill
But when I close my eyes
And feel You rushing by
I know that time brings change
And change takes time
And when the sunset comes
My prayer would be this one
That You might pick me up
And notice that I am
Just a little smoother in Your hand
Sometimes raging wild
Sometimes swollen high
Never have I known this river dry
The deepest part of You
Is where I want to stay
And feel the sharpest edges wash away

You're Not Alone

As most of you know, I'm going through a fairly nasty divorce as of yet... not by choice, by need.  Some things you just don't deserve.  That is the one thing I've clung to the entire time: even if he had wanted to try again, I don't deserve to be with someone who treats me the way he does.

That being said, I've been clinging to music as well to get me through the dark spots of my life.  I believe what they say now... music is therapy and does the soul good.  Especially when it seems like the singers can convey your feelings better than you can.  But songs can actually transmit messages to you, as well. 

This is one that I've gotten recently... and I found it when I felt I was at my lowest.

I searched for love, when the night came and it closed in
I was alone, but you found me where I was hiding
And now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name sayin'

You're not alone, for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side,
I have seen you through your darkest nights
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep cause the hurt is real
And the pain cuts deep, all hope seems lost,
With heartache your closest friend and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, sayin'

You're not alone, for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights 

And I'm the one who's loved you all your life

All your life

Faithful and true, forever
Oh, my love will carry you


You're not alone, for I, I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
Oh yeah, My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one Who's loved you all your life
All of your life


[You're Not Alone-- Meredith Andrews]


Gotta say that this song has reached out to me.  Just remember that whatever you're going through, He's always there for you.

False perceptions

Have you ever wondered about what the person next to you is thinking about?  The person sitting across from you in the computer lab... what's going on in their life that makes them want to scream?  That one outgoing girl in your math class... do you ever wonder if her smile is just a front she puts on just to get through the day?  

I've often wondered these things.

My friends can look like normal people.  Normal, every day, preoccupied, stress out college students.  That's literally what they look like... but no one knows their lives better than themselves and the ones they confide in.  You would never know that some of them are struggling severely and don't know how to climb their way out of this hole they call depression... or that one of them was raped last year and still won't tell her parents because she feels like it was somehow her fault.  Or the boy who is homosexual but won't tell anyone in his super religious family for fear of being judged or worse, disowned.  

You judge them for how they look, how they act, the way they dress or the things they do.  You criticize their judgments, their choices, their actions.  Yet you hold yourself on a higher pedestal, one in which no one else can judge you or your wrath will fall down on whosoever chooses to do so.

Who are you to judge the lives they live?  Do you have any clue as to what they've been through?  I don't think so.  You may have been through some tough situations... but just remember; you have no idea how blessed you are.  Someone in the world has it much worse than you do and usually that someone... will have a better outlook on life than you do. 

Before you judge someone else, I advise that you take a walk throughout every facet of their lives and the events that made them who they are today.

Then again... what business is it of yours?

Breathe

Breathe.  Just breathe.

That's what I have to keep telling myself.  God always said He'd never put more on your plate than you can handle... sometimes I'm not so sure.  It feels like I'm falling apart and I can't stop it from happening.  Like nothing in my life is controllable by me, only controlled by others.  

It's been a while now, since everything has come out of the darkness and into the light.  Yet I still can't pick up the pieces of my life and walk away.  It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me, a looming shadow that overtakes my very presence, still.  When will it ever subside?

Your decisions have directly affected me and the manner in which I will act for the rest of my life.  And you don't even seem to care... you claim that you do, but I don't believe you.  If you cared, this wouldn't have happened.

You've lied so much, it's hard to believe anything that comes out of your mouth anymore.  That makes me sad more than I can explain because I used to trust you with everything I had in me.  I believed all the things you said and I stood up for you when they told me that I shouldn't trust you.  Maybe you were the one that I shouldn't have trusted.

How can you go from being someone that I know like the back of my hand... to a complete stranger overnight? You were my best friend.  Someone I confided in, cared for, breathed for.  I told you my deepest, darkest secrets and never once felt that you would judge me.  You were everything I wanted even though you weren't "my type".  You were the reason I woke up, the reason for my happiness, the reason for my smile.  You were everything to me... couldn't you have cared about me just a fraction of how much I cared for you?  

Our love didn't blossom from a "lustful" romance... it grew out of a strong friendship.  And yet, you threw it all away over your own selfish physical desires.  Please tell me why.  You knew I would have done anything for you, no matter the cost.  "Head over heels" doesn't even begin to explain it.  I was in love with you to the ends of the earth.

You were the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... someone that I couldn't see my life without.  Imagining it without you was like imagining a black hole in the middle of the universe where my heart should be.  Now you've forced me to accept this truth, this thing that I never believed in a million years would be in my life.

Now you use the excuses of being "young" and "naive" as to why you did what you did.  We both know that neither of these excuses justify why you did it... they are merely that, excuses.  You were so intelligent, so thoughtful, so brilliant and that is what helped me see past your lies.  You "didn't know what you wanted"... then why martyr the one who loved you in the process?

I guess it was just another case of the blindness of love on my part.

El Recado by Elena Poniatowska

I read this letter for my hispanic literature class tonight and I thought it was beautifully written in Spanish... but since most of you do not speak or read Spanish, I found it in English so that I could share it with you. This letter is beautiful and although I am loveless as of yet, I believe that we all sort of have a connection with anything that involves love; either you're in love, you're hoping for love, or you're lamenting love lost.  Either way, love is always in the minds of people everywhere.

I came to see you, Martin, and you are not here. I am sitting on the front step of your house, leaning against your door, and I think that in some place in the city, as if by a sound wave that passes through the air, you should know that I am here. This is your little garden; the mimosa is stretching and children passing by pull its closest branches. I see scattered around on the ground some very straight and formal flowers that have leaves like swords. They are navy blue and look like soldiers. They are very important, very honest. You are also a soldier. You are marching for your life one, two; one, two…Your whole garden is solid; it is like you with a strength that inspires confidence.

Here I am against the wall of your house, the way I sometimes lean against your back. The sun also strikes the windowpanes and because it is already late, it is gradually fading. The red-hot sun has warmed your honeysuckle, and its fragrance becoming even more penetrating. It is twilight. The day is drawing to a close. Your neighbor passes by. I don’t know if she sees me. She is going to water her little garden. I remember that she brings you noodle soup when you are sick, and that her daughter gives you injections…I think about you very deliberately, as if I drew you inside of me and you remained drawn there. I would like to be sure that I am going to see you tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow and always in an uninterrupted chain of days; that I will be able to look at you slowly, even though I know every little corner of your face; that nothing between us has been provisional or accidental.

I am leaning over a piece of paper, and I am writing all this to you, and I think that now, in some city block where you may be walking in a hurry in your usual decisive way you are on one of those streets where I always imagine you to be: on the corner of Donceles and Cinco de Febrero or Venusiano Carranzana Street, seated on any of those monotonous gray benches which are broken only by the crowd of people hurrying to take the bus; you must know within yourself that I am waiting for you.

I came only to tell you that I love you, and because you are not here, I am writing to you. I can hardly write now because the sun already set. I’m not sure what I’m putting down. Outside more children come running by. And an irritated woman carrying a pot warns, “Don’t shake my hand because I will spill the milk…” And I drop the pencil, Martin, and I drop the lined paper, and I let my arms hang uselessly along my body, and I’m waiting for you.

I’m thinking that I would love to hug you. Sometimes I would like to be older because youth carries within itself the imperious, implacable need to relate everything to love.

A dog barks; a hostile bark. I think that it’s time for me to go. In a little while the neighbor will come to put on the lights of your house; she has the key and will put on the light in your bedroom, which faces out on the street, because in this neighborhood there are a lot of assaults and robberies. They rob the poor often; the poor rob each other…You know, since I was a child I have sat down like this to wait; I was always docile because I was waiting for you. I know that all women wait. They wait for future life, for all those images forged in solitude, for all that forest that moves toward them; for all that immense promise that is a man; a pomegranate that suddenly is opened and showed its shining red seed; a pomegranate like a ripe mouth with a thousand sections. Later those hours lived imagination, made into real hours, will have to take on weight and size and rawness. Oh, my love, we are so full of interior portraits, so full of unlived landscapes.

It is now nighttime and I almost cannot see what I am scribbling on this lined paper. I cannot perceive the letter. There, where you may not understand, put in the white empty spaces: “I love you…”I don’t know if I am going to slip this paper under your door; I don’t know. You have made me respect you…Perhaps now that I am leaving, I may stop only to ask your neighbor to give you the message; that she tell you that I came.