Wanted You More

     The more I think about the past 5 years of my life, the clearer it becomes that I was blinded by something that was never real.  If it had been real, it would still be.  Never have I felt the way I did when I was with him, talking to him, loving him.  We barely saw each other because of circumstances that we could not control (military), but did that stop me from loving him? From wanting to be with him? From wanting to make it work through the most difficult times where others would have cracked under the pressure?  No.  It didn't.  The fact of the matter was that I would have done anything for him, anything.  All he had to do was ask and that's what I would have done.

SN: It actually makes me wonder.  If that wasn't real... how amazing is the REAL thing going to feel?

     Knowing that everything I have said is true... is why it is hard for me to let my guard down and be open to love again.  I was consumed by what I thought was true love, one love.  Consumed by the idea that I would never need anyone else, he was everything to me.  When our relationship crumbled and fell apart... so did I.  I crumbled because of a mistake that HE made.  It scares me to know that when I love, I love with everything I have and everything that I am.  The way I was a year ago-- I never want to be that way again.  I never want to give someone so much power over me that if they leave, I'm left destitute and lost in my own skin.

     The problem here is... I still want to know what true love feels like.  I miss feeling the way I felt for all those years.  Happy, loved, important-- special.  When I was with him, I felt completed.  Anything in the world could have gone wrong, but it was okay because no matter what I had him.  Or was it all a lie?

     Will the fear of the unknown, the fear of the possibility of that happening again, keep me from being happy?  Will it keep me from being the person I used to be?  The girl who loves with her entire heart, not just a piece of it?  Obviously all of the questions that I ask in this post are completely rhetorical.  I wouldn't expect anyone to even try to answer them... I don't even know how to answer them or know if I ever will.

     I came across a song that completely encompasses my feelings about it all.  And most of you who read this know me very well, which means that you know that music can speak my emotions more than I can.

Lady Antebellum: Wanted You More

I kept waiting on a reason

and a call that never came

No, I never saw it comin'

Somethin' in you must've changed

All the words unspoken, 

promises broken-- I cried for so long.

Wasted too much time,

should've seen the signs.

Now I know just what went wrong.

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more

I guess I wanted you more

All the night we spent just talkin'

of the things we wanted out of life

Makin' plans and dreams together

I wish I'd seen, I was just too blind

My heart was open, exposed and hoping

for you to lay it on the line

but in the end it seemed

there was no room for me

still I tried to change your mind

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more

I guess I wanted you more

Ohh, I don't need you

I don't need you anymore

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

I don't need you

I don't need you anymore

     But you know what's funny?  After everything he put me through, you'd think I would despise him... when in reality, I don't wish him harm.  Karma will get him back, I don't have to.  I'm completely over him and would never want anything else to do with him, I just have to deal with the aftermath of, in essence, him.  

     As much as I feel like I will never get over what he did to me, I know that in the end I will.  I'm going to be happy one day, I'm going to find a love that completely sweeps me off my feet and makes me wonder what I ever saw in him.  I'm going to love, and I'm going to love hard.  I'm going to be the same sweet, caring woman in someone else's life... someone who is going to appreciate and love everything about me, everything that he lost because of his own stupidity.  And as much as I want to blame every man on earth for what he did to me, I know that the person I will end up loving for the rest of my life will not be compared in the least to him.  

I will be happy one day, I will... and YOU don't win.

Heartbreak

So many of my friends are going through rough times right now.  It truly breaks my heart to watch them suffer.  I can go through all of the tough crap in my life and not feel sorry for myself, but as soon as one of my friends starts hurting... it's like my heart tears itself in two.  This time, it's not just one friend, but many.  The heartache spreads across a spectrum; from relationship heartbreak to losing someone who is closest to them before it's their time, from depression issues to utter disappointment with life.  Sometimes it makes me wonder why we go through the things we go through.  But you know what we all have in common?  The need to have wonderful people around us to help us through; at the end of the day, love and compassion go the farthest in helping someone through any type of heartbreak.

So this blog post goes out to them.  They all know who they are.  I found a bunch of bible verses and quotes from different people that I believe will help you through, or at least give you hope enough to get through the night.  I love you all.

"In quietness and trust is your strength." -Isaiah 30:15

"No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again." -Buddha

"Strength doesn't come from what you CAN do, it comes from overcoming what you once thought you couldn't."

"Believe in yourself and all that you are.  Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle." -Christian D. Larson

"God changes caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls, and coal into diamonds using TIME and PRESSURE.  He's working on you, too." -Rick Warren

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." -Exodus 14:14


"Faith in God includes faith in His timing." -Neal A. Maxwell

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone." -Audrey Hepburn

"Your most effective ministries will come from your deepest hurts." -Anonymous


"Above all things, have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins." -1 Peter 4:8

"Promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." -Christopher Robin (Winnie the Pooh)

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember than an airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." -Henry Ford

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Please remember that I am here for each and every one of you.  Without you in my life, I'm sure I would not have gotten through many different obstacles in my own life.  And for that, I thank you.  

Until next time.

Summer Goals

So... I have a list of goals that I have for summer 2012.  Let's see how these go.

Physical goals

• Lose weight
• Eat healthier
• Tone up
• Drink WATER 
• Start running again
• Feel better
• Reset my sleep patterns
• Go outside and play with Macy more
• Keep working on my tannn

Mental goals

• Quit thinking negatively
• Discover more music
• Be less neurotic
• Crawl out of this hole called "depression" once and for all
• Be the source of my own happiness
• Spend more time with my family and friends
• Read the books I bought for the summer
• Do more crafts/cook more things found on Pinterest
• Don't worry about guys; when I'm ready, I'll know it

Financial/Educational goals

• Get my 31 business up and running again
• Decide which classes to drop for the fall semester
• Look into paid internships in España, Argentina, etc. for the spring semester
• Look for another job for the fall semester
• Take the GRE, apply to grad schools
• Decide what I really want to get my Master's in: Translation, Professorship in Hispanic Studies, or Bilingual Social Work

But for the most part... start living the life that I know I deserve.  No one can cheat you out of your own happiness but yourself.  People come in and out of your life, but the ones who are actually worth it won't leave.  

Seems like a pretty long list.  Looks like my summer is booked. (:  Plus beach trips... cause I can't live without the beach. 

"I will love you for you"

He cries in the corner where nobody sees

He's the kid whose story no one would believe

He prays every night,

"Dear Lord, won't you please,

could you send someone here who will love me?"

Who will love me for me

Not for what I have done or

what I will become

Who will love me for me

Cause nobody has shown me

what love, what love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day

She's the woman whose husband has run away

She'll go to the gym after working today

Maybe if she was thinner, then he would've stayed

And she says,

Who'll love me for me?

Not for what I have done or

what I will become

Who will love me for me?

Cause nobody has shown me

what love, what love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone

He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done

He utters a cry from the depths of his soul,

"Oh Lord, forgive me, I wanna go home"

And then heard a voice somewhere deep inside

And it said, "I know you've murdered

and I know you've lied,

and I have watched you suffer all of your life

and now that you'll listen, I'll tell you that I...

I will love you for you

Not for what you have done or

what you will become

I will love you for you
I will give you the love,

the love that you never knew."

Love you for you

Not for what you have done or

what you will become

I will love you for you

I will give you the love,

the love that you never knew.

-JJ Heller: Love Me/What Love Really Means

    I've been reflecting all day about the kind of guy that I want to date... the kind of guy that I would eventually like to have a family with someday.  Obviously I'm not rushing anything, but it would be so much easier if guys would just be honest, trustworthy, and sweet.  The guys I've known/dated in the past few months have been less than amazing.  Is it too much to ask for what's on this list? :

• Christian
• Trustworthy
• Honest
• Caring
• Compassionate
• Dependable
• Friendly/kind
• Outgoing
• Wonderful personality
• Ambition
• Determination
• Humorous
• Non-judgmental
• Great smile
• Patience
• Maturity
• Short distance
 
 

     And as much as I say any of this... or want any of this... the fear that I have of dating again is holding me back.  Holding me back from the possibility of finding that love.  What if one of the guys I dated, but kicked to the curb because of one insignificant fault, was someone that could have made me happier than my wildest dreams?  But no, I can't actually allow anyone to get that close to me... to be in the midst of a place where they could possibly and inevitably hurt me.  That's what they say, right?  If you don't let people get close to you, you can't get hurt.  I find that I push away anyone who tries to get close to me... including friends, and that makes me angry.  It's almost like my subconscious is completely aware that it needs to shield me from any and every kind of emotional pain that I could ever come in contact with, but at the same time, it's turning me into this person that I've never been: super cautious, fearful, distrusting, moody, focused on excluding myself from situations that may cause me to be in that sort of situation.  It's ridiculous, to be honest with you. 

      But... I just want to find a man (eventually) that makes me weak in the knees just to look into his eyes, or hear his voice... whose touch feels like an angel has touched me, whose smile can make me feel like I'm on Cloud 9. I want to find the love that God has intended for me, just for me. I look at these older couples who have been together for 40, 50 and sometimes 60 years and I wonder if I will ever be in their shoes or if I'll just be one of the old women who couldn't find her true love after several attempted marriages... it's actually quite disheartening when you think about it. I trust that God has someone special for me and that, in His time, I will find him... but meeting all of the wrong ones just isn't helping my faith in finding love. Maybe I'm way too young to be thinking this way. But, is it a crime to want something with substance? A relationship that makes you feel like you can conquer the world at any given moment because someone is right there behind you every step of the way? Is it a crime to want that kind of love? All of my friends around me are in love, engaged, married, married with children... and here I am, single and free as a bird with no leads to anything that will actually be worth anything.

      I have so many faults right now that I don't think I should be dating anyone at all. No one deserves to NOT be trusted because of another person's past experiences, and they certainly don't deserve to put up with the mood swings that come with it. Until I'm better, I guess I'll just focus on the words of this song... He will love me for me, not for what I have done or what I will become, He will love me for me, HE will give me the love that I never knew. Sounds like a good plan to me.

Cry Out To Jesus

I'm not sure why I'm sharing the lyrics of this song right now, I just have a strong urge to do so.  This song always speaks to me because a lot of it can apply to me or my life in some aspect.  But tonight, I don't think it's for me.  Maybe it's supposed to speak to someone else's heart?  Maybe.

Click here to watch the video.

Third Day: Cry Out To Jesus

To everyone who's lost someone they love

long before it was their time

You feel like the days you had were not enough

when you said goodbye

And to all of the people with burdens and pains

keeping you back from your life

You believe that there's nothing and there is no one

who can make it right

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

And love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing

He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus, cry out to Jesus

For the marriage that's struggling just to hang on

They've lost all of their faith in love

They've done all they can to make it right again

Still, it's not enough

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains

You try to give up but you come back again

Just remember that you're not alone in your shame

And your suffering

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

And love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing

He'll meet you wherever you are

Just cry out to Jesus

When you're lonely

and it feels like the whole world is falling on you

You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus

Cry to Jesus

To the widow who suffers from being alone

wiping the tears from her eyes

For the children around the world without a home

Say a prayer tonight

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

And love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing 

He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus, cry out to Jesus

Cry out to Jesus, cry out to Jesus

     For some reason I felt compelled to share it.  I hope that for someone, this helps you get through the night.

Your Own Footprints.

     It's funny the things you can find every so often that you have left for yourself (intentionally or not).  It seems that I'm getting good at that; the only difference is that I usually intend on doing something with my thoughts but then they somehow become "displaced", lost or forgotten. Hah!  Sometimes it's quotes of encouragement, others it's just random song lyrics that I can't get out of my head on any particular day. 
     Today I was looking through my phone waiting at the doctor's office when I found a note that I had written almost a year ago.  It was the beginning of a diary entry that I decided to record in my phone and save for later so that I could go back and add to it... but never did.  It caught me a bit off guard because what I had wrote was the way I was feeling today.  It's crazy how that happens, huh? Here was the entry:

July 11, 2011


I have been feeling down about myself today.  So much so that I started to feel ugly as sin.  I was to the point of tears, so I sat down and decided to just open the Bible and see what God wanted to say to me.  Without even looking, I just opened to the page that would come open the easiest... and this is what I read:


Song of Songs
6:4  You are beautiful, my darling
like the lovely city of Tirzah.
Yes, as beautiful as Jerusalem,
as majestic as an army with billowing banners.
6:5  Turn your eyes away, 
for they overpower me,
your hair falls in waves,
like a flock of goats winding down
the slopes of Gilead.

I guess the Bible really is God's love letter to me.

     All I can really say is, "wow".  Re-reading and re-experiencing that made me feel chills down my spine.  People say they can't "feel" God, that one cannot expect them to "hear" God... when really, they aren't looking in the right places, or really searching for what God is trying to say to them.  I've learned a major lesson today, just in re-reading my own diary entry from a year ago.  It gives me hope and makes me feel as if nothing can stop me.  God knows exactly what to say to you when you're down if you'll only let Him.  How wonderful that feeling is...
    I guess the reason why I'm sharing a (private) diary entry is because I really wanted you to understand that I'm not perfect and I never will be... that my life has never been a fairy tale.  But, God has been there every step of the way with me.  I may not feel His presence around me constantly, but when I need it most, He is there.  All you have to do is ask of Him and you shall receive.  We've been taught that all our lives, right?  Well, it's true and I'm here to prove it. 
     Another (private) example.  Last year when I was going through a very rough time in my life, I woke up out of a dead sleep one night unable to breathe, unable to calm my heart rate, unable to stop shaking and crying.  I don't even understand why it happened, so I chalk it all up to stress now.  All I can remember is looking up at the ceiling and begging God to help me stop this because I couldn't do it by myself.  You may not believe this, some people don't-- but kid you not, within a minute, I was able to breathe, my heart had picked up its normal rhythm.  All I could think was, "wow".  It actually scared me because I had never felt His presence so strongly. 
     There are other examples I could give you from that time frame, but the main thing that I want you to realize right now is that God is real.  Yes, things may happen to where you ask, "why me?" or "why would you do this, Lord?"... and there are times where you may not understand, but He is there in anything and everything.  He will never leave you, especially in your times of need.  It's like that poem said: there is only one set of footprints in your walk with Christ because He is carrying you.

Food for thought.

A Pirate's life for me.

     As many of you know, this is my last year at East Carolina University (at least as an undergraduate student) as I will be graduating in December with a Bachelor's in Arts of Hispanic Studies, minor in Psychology.  I have passed my OQE (Oral Qualifying Exam), have maintained a high GPA and am graduating with honors as a member of Phi Sigma Iota: Sigma Upsilon chapter.

Now, here comes the hard part. Decisions to be made:
     The first decision that needs to be made right now is if I want to go straight into graduate school, take a year off, take a semester off, or just not go to graduate school at all.  My dream has always been to be able to obtain a Master's degree of some sort that would enhance my education and advance my professional career.  After I graduate, I will have a Bachelor's of Arts in Hispanic Studies.  I can do many things with this degree because I know the Spanish language, Spanish culture, Spanish heritage, Spanish literature... etc.  I've been looking into a few schools here in North Carolina, a few outside of North Carolina and I have also been looking into international internships. 
     Right now, I am stuck deciding which pathway to choose from here.  Professional translation?  Bilingual social work? Bilingual speech therapy? International studies? Professorship in Hispanic Studies?  Everything seems like it would be beneficial to me, not only professionally but personally.  Today I found a Master's in Arts of Teaching program here at ECU in Hispanic Studies itself.  I'm not exactly sure what I would be able to do with that, but I am looking into it as we speak.
     But what's dawning on me now is that I'm growing up.  I'm so close to achieving everything that I've worked so hard for so long for.  I'm so close to being someone that I can be proud of, that my parents can be proud of.  That every decision from here on out is going to affect my entire future, the future of my family, the future of my future family.  Right now, I'm mainly concerned with myself.  I have learned that you must be able to support yourself, with or without a spouse.  Do not fully depend on anyone, only on yourself.  You must be able to continue life if something unfortunate happens.  THIS, my friends, is why I keep going to school.  This is why I keep pushing myself, keep advancing in my studies, keep trying so hard to be somebody.
     And you know what?  It's been a lot of work.  It's been hard, I'm not going to lie, but I wouldn't change a bit of my educational career.  ECU has been my heart and soul for 4 years and I'm so glad that I chose to come here.  I've met so many wonderful people, professors, lifelong friends and connections.  I've learned so much... not just in my studies, but ECU has opened my mind.  I'll admit that I was very narrow-minded when I came here.  Anything "different" was not cool in my book.  Now, being "different" is the exact thing that I love.  It's everything to me.  Equality, anti-discrimination, pro-love.  I am in love with the person I have become BECAUSE of ECU.  Because of ECU, I am a determined, intelligent, educated, well-rounded, bilingual individual who has so much going for her in the rest of her life.  I'm proud to say that I have been changed by ECU. Being a Pirate isn't just about being "fun" and a "partier"... it means being a part of an amazing community of other determined, successful, educated people who will stop at nothing to be the people they were meant to be.

I might not be the epitomy of the "ECU girl", but I will say one thing... 
"yo-ho, yo-ho, a Pirate's life for me!"