It's in the journey...

A friend of mine brought a song to my attention tonight that really made me think. 

Throughout this past year, I've wanted things to go back to the way they used to be... before my life seemed to crumble and fall apart right before my eyes.  If I had just done something differently, maybe it wouldn't have happened.  After I finally let that go and realized that there was absolutely nothing that I could have done about it... I started asking God to change my life.  To make it all better, to make it all go away so that I could be happy again.  I even became frustrated more than once because nothing I did seemed to make any difference.  Nothing seemed to help the healing process.

But, you know... this song really made me think.  I am a stone, my life is not perfect.  Although I have been hurt beyond belief and feel as if I'm damaged, I am a smooth stone in my God's hands.  As much as I hate that it is taking longer than I would like, time brings change and change takes time.  My heart will heal in due time, as will my life.  In the meantime, I just need to be patient and focus on God's love for me.  He has a plan for me... and I have always believed that.  This was a lesson in my life that I apparently needed to learn, and if that's so, then I should be grateful. Who knows?  Perhaps He has something far more wonderful planned just for me!

You never know why you go through certain things in life... whatever you've been through, God has a plan and a way for you.  You just need to believe in Him.  He never promised that the path would be easy, but He did promise that He would carry you through.

 

Lyrics provided by STlyrics.com

Rolling River God -- Nichole Nordeman 

Rolling river God
Little stones are smooth
Only once the water passes through
So, I am a stone
Rough and grainy still
Trying to reconcile this river's chill
But when I close my eyes
And feel You rushing by
I know that time brings change
And change takes time
And when the sunset comes
My prayer would be this one
That You might pick me up
And notice that I am
Just a little smoother in Your hand
Sometimes raging wild
Sometimes swollen high
Never have I known this river dry
The deepest part of You
Is where I want to stay
And feel the sharpest edges wash away

You're Not Alone

As most of you know, I'm going through a fairly nasty divorce as of yet... not by choice, by need.  Some things you just don't deserve.  That is the one thing I've clung to the entire time: even if he had wanted to try again, I don't deserve to be with someone who treats me the way he does.

That being said, I've been clinging to music as well to get me through the dark spots of my life.  I believe what they say now... music is therapy and does the soul good.  Especially when it seems like the singers can convey your feelings better than you can.  But songs can actually transmit messages to you, as well. 

This is one that I've gotten recently... and I found it when I felt I was at my lowest.

I searched for love, when the night came and it closed in
I was alone, but you found me where I was hiding
And now I'll never ever be the same
It was the sweetest voice that called my name sayin'

You're not alone, for I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
My love, I've never left your side,
I have seen you through your darkest nights
And I'm the one who's loved you all your life
All of your life

You cry yourself to sleep cause the hurt is real
And the pain cuts deep, all hope seems lost,
With heartache your closest friend and everyone else long gone
You've had to face the music on your own
But there is a sweeter song that calls you home, sayin'

You're not alone, for I am here
Let me wipe away your every tear
My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights 

And I'm the one who's loved you all your life

All your life

Faithful and true, forever
Oh, my love will carry you


You're not alone, for I, I am here
Let me wipe away your every fear
Oh yeah, My love, I've never left your side
I have seen you through your darkest nights
Your darkest nights
And I'm the one Who's loved you all your life
All of your life


[You're Not Alone-- Meredith Andrews]


Gotta say that this song has reached out to me.  Just remember that whatever you're going through, He's always there for you.

False perceptions

Have you ever wondered about what the person next to you is thinking about?  The person sitting across from you in the computer lab... what's going on in their life that makes them want to scream?  That one outgoing girl in your math class... do you ever wonder if her smile is just a front she puts on just to get through the day?  

I've often wondered these things.

My friends can look like normal people.  Normal, every day, preoccupied, stress out college students.  That's literally what they look like... but no one knows their lives better than themselves and the ones they confide in.  You would never know that some of them are struggling severely and don't know how to climb their way out of this hole they call depression... or that one of them was raped last year and still won't tell her parents because she feels like it was somehow her fault.  Or the boy who is homosexual but won't tell anyone in his super religious family for fear of being judged or worse, disowned.  

You judge them for how they look, how they act, the way they dress or the things they do.  You criticize their judgments, their choices, their actions.  Yet you hold yourself on a higher pedestal, one in which no one else can judge you or your wrath will fall down on whosoever chooses to do so.

Who are you to judge the lives they live?  Do you have any clue as to what they've been through?  I don't think so.  You may have been through some tough situations... but just remember; you have no idea how blessed you are.  Someone in the world has it much worse than you do and usually that someone... will have a better outlook on life than you do. 

Before you judge someone else, I advise that you take a walk throughout every facet of their lives and the events that made them who they are today.

Then again... what business is it of yours?

Breathe

Breathe.  Just breathe.

That's what I have to keep telling myself.  God always said He'd never put more on your plate than you can handle... sometimes I'm not so sure.  It feels like I'm falling apart and I can't stop it from happening.  Like nothing in my life is controllable by me, only controlled by others.  

It's been a while now, since everything has come out of the darkness and into the light.  Yet I still can't pick up the pieces of my life and walk away.  It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me, a looming shadow that overtakes my very presence, still.  When will it ever subside?

Your decisions have directly affected me and the manner in which I will act for the rest of my life.  And you don't even seem to care... you claim that you do, but I don't believe you.  If you cared, this wouldn't have happened.

You've lied so much, it's hard to believe anything that comes out of your mouth anymore.  That makes me sad more than I can explain because I used to trust you with everything I had in me.  I believed all the things you said and I stood up for you when they told me that I shouldn't trust you.  Maybe you were the one that I shouldn't have trusted.

How can you go from being someone that I know like the back of my hand... to a complete stranger overnight? You were my best friend.  Someone I confided in, cared for, breathed for.  I told you my deepest, darkest secrets and never once felt that you would judge me.  You were everything I wanted even though you weren't "my type".  You were the reason I woke up, the reason for my happiness, the reason for my smile.  You were everything to me... couldn't you have cared about me just a fraction of how much I cared for you?  

Our love didn't blossom from a "lustful" romance... it grew out of a strong friendship.  And yet, you threw it all away over your own selfish physical desires.  Please tell me why.  You knew I would have done anything for you, no matter the cost.  "Head over heels" doesn't even begin to explain it.  I was in love with you to the ends of the earth.

You were the one that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... someone that I couldn't see my life without.  Imagining it without you was like imagining a black hole in the middle of the universe where my heart should be.  Now you've forced me to accept this truth, this thing that I never believed in a million years would be in my life.

Now you use the excuses of being "young" and "naive" as to why you did what you did.  We both know that neither of these excuses justify why you did it... they are merely that, excuses.  You were so intelligent, so thoughtful, so brilliant and that is what helped me see past your lies.  You "didn't know what you wanted"... then why martyr the one who loved you in the process?

I guess it was just another case of the blindness of love on my part.

El Recado by Elena Poniatowska

I read this letter for my hispanic literature class tonight and I thought it was beautifully written in Spanish... but since most of you do not speak or read Spanish, I found it in English so that I could share it with you. This letter is beautiful and although I am loveless as of yet, I believe that we all sort of have a connection with anything that involves love; either you're in love, you're hoping for love, or you're lamenting love lost.  Either way, love is always in the minds of people everywhere.

I came to see you, Martin, and you are not here. I am sitting on the front step of your house, leaning against your door, and I think that in some place in the city, as if by a sound wave that passes through the air, you should know that I am here. This is your little garden; the mimosa is stretching and children passing by pull its closest branches. I see scattered around on the ground some very straight and formal flowers that have leaves like swords. They are navy blue and look like soldiers. They are very important, very honest. You are also a soldier. You are marching for your life one, two; one, two…Your whole garden is solid; it is like you with a strength that inspires confidence.

Here I am against the wall of your house, the way I sometimes lean against your back. The sun also strikes the windowpanes and because it is already late, it is gradually fading. The red-hot sun has warmed your honeysuckle, and its fragrance becoming even more penetrating. It is twilight. The day is drawing to a close. Your neighbor passes by. I don’t know if she sees me. She is going to water her little garden. I remember that she brings you noodle soup when you are sick, and that her daughter gives you injections…I think about you very deliberately, as if I drew you inside of me and you remained drawn there. I would like to be sure that I am going to see you tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow and always in an uninterrupted chain of days; that I will be able to look at you slowly, even though I know every little corner of your face; that nothing between us has been provisional or accidental.

I am leaning over a piece of paper, and I am writing all this to you, and I think that now, in some city block where you may be walking in a hurry in your usual decisive way you are on one of those streets where I always imagine you to be: on the corner of Donceles and Cinco de Febrero or Venusiano Carranzana Street, seated on any of those monotonous gray benches which are broken only by the crowd of people hurrying to take the bus; you must know within yourself that I am waiting for you.

I came only to tell you that I love you, and because you are not here, I am writing to you. I can hardly write now because the sun already set. I’m not sure what I’m putting down. Outside more children come running by. And an irritated woman carrying a pot warns, “Don’t shake my hand because I will spill the milk…” And I drop the pencil, Martin, and I drop the lined paper, and I let my arms hang uselessly along my body, and I’m waiting for you.

I’m thinking that I would love to hug you. Sometimes I would like to be older because youth carries within itself the imperious, implacable need to relate everything to love.

A dog barks; a hostile bark. I think that it’s time for me to go. In a little while the neighbor will come to put on the lights of your house; she has the key and will put on the light in your bedroom, which faces out on the street, because in this neighborhood there are a lot of assaults and robberies. They rob the poor often; the poor rob each other…You know, since I was a child I have sat down like this to wait; I was always docile because I was waiting for you. I know that all women wait. They wait for future life, for all those images forged in solitude, for all that forest that moves toward them; for all that immense promise that is a man; a pomegranate that suddenly is opened and showed its shining red seed; a pomegranate like a ripe mouth with a thousand sections. Later those hours lived imagination, made into real hours, will have to take on weight and size and rawness. Oh, my love, we are so full of interior portraits, so full of unlived landscapes.

It is now nighttime and I almost cannot see what I am scribbling on this lined paper. I cannot perceive the letter. There, where you may not understand, put in the white empty spaces: “I love you…”I don’t know if I am going to slip this paper under your door; I don’t know. You have made me respect you…Perhaps now that I am leaving, I may stop only to ask your neighbor to give you the message; that she tell you that I came.

Post-birthday eval

Well, Ms Irene decided to make her wonderful debut this weekend... and left everything in eastern NC in complete devastation.  Of course that means that my birthday plans were completely demolished: Thank you, Irene! Hah! It's normal for my birthdays to be less than perfect; if it were any other way, I think I would have been shocked to say the least!  For 4 years straight, something always goes wrong... either a very bad event or in this case, natural occurrence. Haha!

My 19th birthday (freshman year) was marked by a terrible internal hordeolum in my left eye (a really bad sty on the under-side of my eyelid) that hurt like CRAZY!  And what was it caused by, you ask?  My new face wash: Neutrogena pomegranate facial scrub.  Never again... haha!  20th birthday (sophomore year)? My boyfriend (at the time) left for Korea for a year.  That day was absolutely terrible and I don't even consider it a birthday... I literally didn't want to do anything.  BUT my best friends that year (Al Lanier and Sierra Adams) threw me a huge birthday party at the Landing to cheer me up.  Gotta say, that cheered me up a LOT! (:

My 21st birthday (junior year) was marked by my fiancé (at the time) coming home.  You might say this was a GOOD thing... which, it was at the time.  But, on my actual birthday... my mom's gall bladder decided that it wanted to try to bust and make her go septic (which ultimately could have killed her if it happened).  So, last year I was cooped up in the hospital all day worried about my mom. Haha! She's fine though, thank God.

This year (senior year), Irene just had to demolish everything and make it absolutely impossible to do anything that was planned.  Boo on you, Irene!  BUT, despite the horrible hurricane this weekend... I'd have to say it was a pretty good birthday.  Nothing special, but the people who were there made it special.  We had my birthday dinner at the amazing Mi Cabaña; they made me wear a sombrero that weighed like 500 lbs.  My mom, nephews and niece, Morgan, Elaina, Christa and her husband, Brandon all made it to that.  After, we went back to the Peppers' humble abode and had cake! (Christa makes amazing eclair cake... yumm!)  As soon as I got home, I get a phone call from my besttttie, Lauren offering free drinks for my birthday at Applebees.  Seriously, who is going to turn THAT down?  Ultimately, it was a very good birthday... even if it didn't go as planned!

What I'm most thankful for on this day of my birth is that neither me nor my family were hurt in the hurricane.  We didn't sustain any damages here in Greenville and only had a slight disturbance at mom's house in New Bern.  Compared to what people went through and are still going through right now all around eastern North Carolina, I have to say that we are very blessed to be so fortunate.  There are houses, cars, businesses under water; people are trapped in their attics in the lowlands of Pamlico county, unable to escape because of the flooding.  Houses are demolished, people have been found crushed by trees that fell into their houses... it disturbs me that a hurricane that was predicted to be a category 1 hurricane could do so much damage in so little time.  I'm just thankful God was looking out for me and my family/friends.

P.S. Classes are canceled tomorrow for ECU.
happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...

Pirate SENiOR! (:

¡Increíble! Estoy tan emocionante.

 

Tuesday marked the last FIRST day of my undergraduate career! Yay! I have to say that I honestly didn't think that college would fly by so fast.  It seems like just yesterday I was moving to Greenville as a slightly nervous but excited freshman! I never believed those that would tell me, "hold on, honey... those years are gonna fly by!"  Seriously, who ever listens to them?  But, I guess I should have.  Crazy how things work out...

Sometimes I think that if I would have done things differently my freshman year, I wouldn't be in some of the predicaments I've found myself in now... but, it's okay.  I'm taking full semesters now because I decided not to then.  I also chose to be a Nursing major as a freshman KNOWING that I did not want to be a nurse... I just didn't want to be an undecided major and knew that the medical field is where I wanted to be.  

I met some of the best friends I could ever ask for freshman year, but I've kept some of the best ones from my high school years as well; it's gotta be a blessing.  Sierra was my first "real" collegiate friend freshman year.  We were in the same nursing chemistry class and she just happened to sit down next to me.  Little did I know, this girl was going to be an amazing friend.  We're not as close as we once were, but I know that if I ever need anything, she'll be there no matter what.  I remember the first time I met my best friend, Al.  We were in the same freshman sociology class; a night class.  On the first day, I came in and sat down in the middle of one of the rows in front of some random boy.  We started talking (because, as you know, I'm not shy) and I found out that he was also a freshman from NEW BERN (NBHS).  So we struck up a little rivalry there; but it was all in good fun.  We are still best friends to this day and we've been through a lot together.  I honestly don't know how my life would be without him.

I also met someone that changed my life forever; both in good and bad ways.  I've learned a lot of lessons from that person that are only going to make my future relationships healthier and stronger.  I'm going to know certain signs and what to look for, and I'm also going to know how to see through people and their lies.  Secrets have no place in a serious relationship... especially not marriage.  He taught me that a lot of people these days are not as trustworthy as they seem... just because someone tells you they love you, doesn't mean that it's true.  He also taught me that people really do not change from the way they "used to be".  Sooner or later, they will regress back to the person they were and it'll leave you blindsided.  It kills me how someone so amazing could disappoint you in so many ways unimaginable.

All I can say is that I'm glad I switched my major to Hispanic Studies during my sophomore year.  It was the absolute best decision of my entire college career.  I'm so happy with what I'm doing and where I'm going that I could just scream with joy!  I know that sounds retarded, but it's true.  Spanish and psychology make me happy and I'm super excited about what the future holds for me.  For those of you who don't know, I'm planning on being a licensed translator for either a hospital system or doctor's offices while I go back to school for speech therapy.  In the end, I want to be a bilingual speech therapist working with ESL students.  Ecstatic!

Now for the concept that everyone has been asking about... as far as relationships go, I'm not opposed to them... I just don't feel that I'm ready or that I can really trust anyone at this point.  When you have the wool thrown over your eyes for a long period of time and then have a horrifying truth revealed when you trusted someone with everything... it's hard to "bounce back" from that in a timely manner.  But I do know that God has a plan for me and that just because that one wasn't trustworthy, doesn't mean that he doesn't have someone much better planned for me in my future.  I'm looking forward to that, but I can wait on God. (:

En todas las cosas que tú haces... confies en Díos. 

[In everything you do... trust in God.]

Re-do

"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty who was and is and is to come.  With all creation, I sing praise to the King of Kings.  You are my everything and I will adore you." -Kari Jobe.


As you can probably tell (if you have ever read my blog), I have deleted every single one of the posts I have ever written.  It's not that those thoughts never occurred, nor that I just wanted to delete them from my life... it's just that I don't want false information on something that can be read over and over again to one's heart's content.  What I was feeling then is certainly not how I'm feeling now.  My life has been severely altered.  Not by my own choice, but rather, someone else's decisions.

But, seeing as how that is no one's business but my own, I will keep those details to myself.  What I am going to tell you is how my life is going now... my thoughts, aspirations and goals; and I'm going to start now.  From this post on, what you will read is nothing but the true, written standpoint of Ashley.

To begin with... a life lesson.  I'd like to point out just how short life is.  Do we realize that every day that passes will ultimately lead us to the rest of our lives?  Every decision you make, every step you take ultimately decides how your life will be until it is your time to leave this world.  With that being said, every decision you make also affects others around you; your family, your friends, your relationships.  The same goes for the other side of the fence: the decisions that the people in your life make affect you indirectly as well.  It also means that those decisions, whether they be good or bad, determine how your plans, your days, your years will pan out.

What I'm leading up to is this: the effects of decisions can be life altering if you let it take over.  If you choose to let someone determine your fate, determine the course of your life, you not only let yourself down... you're letting down the people that care about you, that love you.  Don't let one person or a few people ruin your entire outlook on life... your life.

The past 6 months have really been a test for me; I got knocked down to the lowest point of my measly life.  I let this person, these people, keep me down for months.  Literally, months.  Nothing anyone could say (the people who loved me and cared for me; the ones who had to sit by and watch as I drowned) ever changed the way I was feeling.  Life for me would never be the same, what was the point in getting out of bed?  What was the point in being around people who were ultimately going to betray me just like they did?  Looking back on it, I understood what I was going through... but what I failed to understand is that happiness doesn't come from people who are indecisive about their own lives, who are never truly happy... who fail to understand what the value of life is.  True happiness comes from your relationship with the Lord.

As soon as I stepped back and allowed God to take the situation out of my hands and into His... it became all so clear.  What is meant to be will find its way.  I am not to decide the fate of my life; it is all in God's plan as to what is to become of me.  What has happened would have happened whether or not certain things had gone differently.  Ultimately, God knew what would happen; He knows what's in my past, my present, and what will soon be in my future.  Now that I understand that, I'm finding myself again.  I'm a happier person; I'm through with worrying about what has happened and what will be.  I'm finished with worrying about what other people are making up about me to take the attention and focus off of them for a while.  No me importa.  It's irrelevant.

God found me again and pulled me out of the rut I was stuck in... and in return, I'm finding myself through Him. When I was going through these months of pure depression, I couldn't see the light.  I couldn't see God.  I wasn't trusting in Him.  All of those years of Sunday school and church, summer camps and conventions... all of those teachings were somehow being hidden beneath all of the pain and darkness that was being poured into my life. How stupid could I have been?  Up is where I should have been looking all along.  I'm not saying that I'm the perfect Christian... nor will I ever be, because no one is perfect but Jesus himself.  What I am saying is that I've found my way back, but this time... He's got a hold of me and I have a feeling He isn't going to let go.

Crazy how God finds His way back into your life... even after total destruction.


"They say it sounds insane, we say that we've been changed by the power of Crazy Love.  The world, it looks at us like we're ridiculous.. maybe it's all because of Crazy Love." -Hawk Nelson