"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God Almighty who was and is and is to come. With all creation, I sing praise to the King of Kings. You are my everything and I will adore you." -Kari Jobe.
As you can probably tell (if you have ever read my blog), I have deleted every single one of the posts I have ever written. It's not that those thoughts never occurred, nor that I just wanted to delete them from my life... it's just that I don't want false information on something that can be read over and over again to one's heart's content. What I was feeling then is certainly not how I'm feeling now. My life has been severely altered. Not by my own choice, but rather, someone else's decisions.
But, seeing as how that is no one's business but my own, I will keep those details to myself. What I am going to tell you is how my life is going now... my thoughts, aspirations and goals; and I'm going to start now. From this post on, what you will read is nothing but the true, written standpoint of Ashley.
To begin with... a life lesson. I'd like to point out just how short life is. Do we realize that every day that passes will ultimately lead us to the rest of our lives? Every decision you make, every step you take ultimately decides how your life will be until it is your time to leave this world. With that being said, every decision you make also affects others around you; your family, your friends, your relationships. The same goes for the other side of the fence: the decisions that the people in your life make affect you indirectly as well. It also means that those decisions, whether they be good or bad, determine how your plans, your days, your years will pan out.
What I'm leading up to is this: the effects of decisions can be life altering if you let it take over. If you choose to let someone determine your fate, determine the course of your life, you not only let yourself down... you're letting down the people that care about you, that love you. Don't let one person or a few people ruin your entire outlook on life... your life.
The past 6 months have really been a test for me; I got knocked down to the lowest point of my measly life. I let this person, these people, keep me down for months. Literally, months. Nothing anyone could say (the people who loved me and cared for me; the ones who had to sit by and watch as I drowned) ever changed the way I was feeling. Life for me would never be the same, what was the point in getting out of bed? What was the point in being around people who were ultimately going to betray me just like they did? Looking back on it, I understood what I was going through... but what I failed to understand is that happiness doesn't come from people who are indecisive about their own lives, who are never truly happy... who fail to understand what the value of life is. True happiness comes from your relationship with the Lord.
As soon as I stepped back and allowed God to take the situation out of my hands and into His... it became all so clear. What is meant to be will find its way. I am not to decide the fate of my life; it is all in God's plan as to what is to become of me. What has happened would have happened whether or not certain things had gone differently. Ultimately, God knew what would happen; He knows what's in my past, my present, and what will soon be in my future. Now that I understand that, I'm finding myself again. I'm a happier person; I'm through with worrying about what has happened and what will be. I'm finished with worrying about what other people are making up about me to take the attention and focus off of them for a while. No me importa. It's irrelevant.
God found me again and pulled me out of the rut I was stuck in... and in return, I'm finding myself through Him. When I was going through these months of pure depression, I couldn't see the light. I couldn't see God. I wasn't trusting in Him. All of those years of Sunday school and church, summer camps and conventions... all of those teachings were somehow being hidden beneath all of the pain and darkness that was being poured into my life. How stupid could I have been? Up is where I should have been looking all along. I'm not saying that I'm the perfect Christian... nor will I ever be, because no one is perfect but Jesus himself. What I am saying is that I've found my way back, but this time... He's got a hold of me and I have a feeling He isn't going to let go.
Crazy how God finds His way back into your life... even after total destruction.
"They say it sounds insane, we say that we've been changed by the power of Crazy Love. The world, it looks at us like we're ridiculous.. maybe it's all because of Crazy Love." -Hawk Nelson
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