Sometimes things in life are so wrong that you just don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces.
Things can start happening that would make a normal person feel as if there is still hope in the world, yet all it does is push you farther down into the hole you've been trying to escape for years. You know that you should be thankful because you are beyond blessed with a place to call home, a car to drive, a job to go to and food to eat... but yet you can't shake this feeling that you're just not who you're supposed to be.
Somehow you have lost all knowledge of who you are, what you're doing, why you're doing it, and where to go from here. Someone mentioned the idea of an "identity crisis" to me today and it dawned on me... that is exactly what I'm experiencing at this point in my life. I have always known who I was, where I was going, how I was going to get there and I knew exactly how to piece the puzzle, that I call my life, together as one.
Now I'm a recent college graduate with no job prospectives because of the lack of an internship, waiting on that e-mail or phone call from an internship that says "Congratulations! You've been accepted as a cultural ambassador for the 2013-2014 school year in Sevilla, Spain", working a minimum wage job just to get by (but really I'm not getting by at all) and digging deeper into misery. The question "Who am I?" is often followed by the answer "I have no idea" these days. I just can't seem to remember who I am and I'm not sure how I am supposed to figure that out.
I know that I should be thankful to be where I am today; I have a college degree and I actually have a job, but I can't shake the disappointment I have in myself. I am 23 years old and should be able to live on my own, pay my own bills, and take care of myself... yet I've had to revert back to being a teenager accepting money and help from my mother. I'm not one to ask for help and I'm not one to want to put my mother in a bind financially; it's draining the life out of me. It makes me feel worthless.
I just wish someone could tell me who I am and where I'm supposed to go from here. I wish that life would get easier.
Thursday, April 11, 2013
I just want to scream.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
People are always going to let you down.
Sometimes when I think about my life and how it is compared to my "dream" life, it makes me sad to think that I will never escape the "norm" I have come to accept. People are always going to let me down, but even worse still... I am always going to let myself down.
No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am okay, the inevitable truth is that I'm not okay. That life is not okay. Events in my past have dragged me down to the state I am in now... some days are good, some days are bad. The funny thing about that is, I'm the only one that is holding myself back from being happy, successful, in love, etc. I allow the things in my present and past to tear me down on a constant daily basis assuming that I am not good enough or worth enough to have the dreams I want to pursue, the education and careers I want to obtain, the love and family I want to fulfill. Try as I may, I just can't "get it right". I rationalize things to such a degree that even things that seem remotely fun or enjoyable are not rational to me. I have such a sense of responsibility that I can't do things to make myself happy. My mind conflicts with my heart and my decisions are always based on someone else's feelings instead of my own. I was raised to be that way but I'm starting to feel like it's more of a curse than a blessing.
I need my friends beside me when I'm having a terrible day/week/month/whatever... but it seems I always end up being a doormat for the people that I love the most, family and friends. I would do anything and everything just to keep their heavy burdens a little bit lighter... and yet the people who I call my "friends" (sometimes even the ones I call my "best friends") always let me down. Always; it never fails. Friendship is a two-way street. You can't expect someone to be there for you during all of your breakdowns, do things for you that no one else had the time or money to do, to be the person who drops everything just because you're having a terrible night... and then when they need you the most, turn your back on them because you just don't have time for that in your life.
The point is this: I'm tired of being that doormat. The problem is this: I don't know how to stop being that doormat. I don't like to be called selfish, mean, ornery, or anything of the like... but it's getting to the point where I feel like I need to be that. The ones of you who decide that you want to be my "friends" or "best friends", prove it. I'm over trying to be there for you when you don't do the same for me.
Note: To my absolute best friends who've stood faithfully by me through everything no matter what, I thank you with all of my heart. You truly are the meaning of love and friendship (in alphabetical order so you guys don't get cranky, kk?): Allison, Alton Ray, Ashley, Jonathan, Lindsey, Marenda, Rhonda.
It's ironic how the list continues to get shorter with time.
Hasta la próxima vez.
Saturday, November 10, 2012
Chasing Pavements
by Adele
Friday, October 12, 2012
Changes
It's been brought to my attention that all of my close friends, the ones who are supposed to be the best of the best, feel that I have changed since high school. Apparently I am not the same person I was before I moved to Greenville and I have changed to the point where no one knows "this person" I've become. It amazes me that the people who are bringing this to my attention... are some of the worst offenders of change I've ever seen. Hold on, let's take one step back. Since when is changing such a bad thing?
As we grow older, we change. Our beliefs change. Who we are changes. Especially if you go to a university. In my experience, it changes you a whole lot. It broadens your horizons and opens your mind to different ways of living, different walks of life, different people, different cultures. The way you think starts to change because you become more "liberal" and accepting of all that is different. You being to be open-minded and experienced-- you enter into the 21st century, people. Yes, it changes you. It doesn't necessarily mean that it's a bad thing like people would lead you to believe. Changes in your life will change who you are whether or not you want them to.
In my case, change has not been a bad thing. I'm not sorry about it one bit. I've been through things that have changed me as a person. I don't like all of the changes that have been made in my life, but there is nothing I can do about that. They are, however, changes in me that I love and I embrace. This is me, this is who I am, who I was meant to be. I'm no longer naive, I don't let people walk all over me, I have my own
opinion and you're going to know it... but I am not a cruel person, I do
not say things about my friends behind their backs that I wouldn't tell
them at the right time and place.
Just because I don't fit your ideal description of who you want me to be doesn't mean I am not who I am supposed to be.
Maybe before you start acting like you're Mother Theresa... you should probably make sure that all your laundry is clean.
/End Rant
Monday, October 8, 2012
Happy Ending
"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. Every movie we see, every story we're told, implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs. How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy... maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over. Freeing yourself up for something better in the future. Maybe the happy ending is just moving on or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing that after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope." -Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
His Eye is on the Sparrow
Sunday, September 2, 2012
"UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." -Dr. Seuss
Tonight, Dylan and I ordered chinese takeout and lounged about watching The Lorax. Happy Labor Day to us, right? Neither of us have ever seen the movie and thought it would be pretty neat to watch together... he is my nephew, after all and we both share a love of animated movies, I mean c'mon! Don't act like you guys don't like animated movies (i.e., Disney, Pixar). Instead of ultimately watching a movie that I thought would prove to be super cute and laid back... I find that this movie made me think a lot. Especially the quote at the end of the movie from Dr. Seuss, "UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."
Now, this quote can be applied to a whole bunch of different scenarios and situations, but it got me thinking of cultural acceptance in the United States. Most of you know that I'm a hispanic studies major at ECU, so of course it's natural that I would automatically think of the acceptance-- or lack thereof-- of the Spanish speaking population here in America. Obviously everyone has their own opinion and are entitled to them; I'm not trying to say that any one opinion is wrong or that someone is insensitive because they have a different opinion than I do. I'm simply stating mine.
If you are a native Spanish speaker and you are here in the United States legally, I believe that you should have the same rights that I do because America prides itself on being the "melting pot" of the world.
A lot of people will actually fight me on this belief saying that if your first language is Spanish, then you should be deported. I don't believe that's correct for legal immigrants. Note that I said LEGAL. If you are here illegally and you expect to get the same treatment and benefits that we as Americans receive, then I am all for the deportation laws. That's just not fair. You aren't contributing to this nation nor its economy, so you should not be allowed to partake in its wealth. With that being said, I do believe that deportation laws should not be applicable to children under the age of 18. Most of these children did not ask to come here, and a lot of them were born here. To them, this is the only "home" they've ever known. To deport them with their illegal parents and family members is like stripping them of everything they've ever had. It isn't their fault they were born here illegally.
There are some people who believe that if you're not a native English speaker, then you should be deported anyway because you "are not accepted here; we no speak-ay da Spanish" (I literally heard that line this weekend). This makes me so mad. America prides itself on being the "melting pot", the most "diverse" nation on this planet, the most "accepting" of them all (whether it be race, religion, culture, etc). If this is so, why are the majority of southern Americans still on this kick of being so much better than everyone else? If I were born in a different country where there were absolutely no opportunities to advance myself as a person or to make a better life for my family, I would want to immigrate to the "land of opportunities" as well. I would want my children to learn English, go to American universities and make something of themselves. They would be RICH in culture because not only would they know their own culture, but they would learn the American way of life as well.
Honestly, I think this is one of the worst forms of discrimination in the United States. People learn that someone is a mexican, latino, etc., and they automatically assume that they are freeloaders and shouldn't be here. Thank you very much, but most of my native Spanish friends are all here legally and are contributing to America's economy very well. Sometimes I honestly wish I were of hispanic descent because they are the most caring individuals I have ever met. They are hard workers and so intelligent. Take for example a friend of mine; she just graduated from ECU with honors and is now in grad school at NC State. Another friend of mine is in Puerto Rico for the semester; not only is she finishing her bachelor's there, she's learning so much about her heritage as well.
Obviously if you think that Spanish speakers (or any other immigrants for that matter) are "second class citizens", you are ignorant and we should not be friends. But you know who are the worst offenders of this tragic misconception? People who never went to college, who never broadened their horizons and went from high school straight into a minimum wage job. I'm ashamed to say that some of my own family members probably feel that way because they are old fashioned and set in their ways. Can't people see that this is just another form of "racism"? Just another way to discriminate against people who are different than you are? It's so ignorant... you can learn so much about the world and about yourself from people who are DIFFERENT than you.
Coming to ECU was the best decision I've ever made in my life and I would do it again if I had to. I have learned so much and met such a broad spectrum of people. These people have made me a better person, they have shown me the light. Discrimination is not okay in any form or fashion. I don't care who you are, you should respect all people no matter their heritage, race, gender, sexual preference, etc. Some people may say that I've become too "liberal" and that ECU has completely "changed me", but I believe that I have been changed for the better. The southern states in America are the last to change, but it's been a long time coming and needs to happen. Life would be so much better if everyone just got along.
I could go on and on and on and on about this topic, but I think I'm going to stop here. So, my question to you is: Do you care enough about your beloved nation, and the morals/values we pride ourselves in, enough to stop discrimination in all forms?
Food for thought.
