Happy Ending

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.  Every movie we see, every story we're told, implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.  But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs.  How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.  And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy... maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over.  Freeing yourself up for something better in the future.  Maybe the happy ending is just moving on or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing that after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope." -Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You

I think this says enough.  I shouldn't even have to explain.  Food for thought.

His Eye is on the Sparrow

Why should I feel discouraged?

Why should the shadows come?

Why should my heart feel lonely

and long for heaven and home?

When Jesus is my portion

A constant friend is He

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches over me

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy

I sing because I'm free

His eye is on the sparrow

And I know He, He watches me

His eyes is on the sparrow

and I know He watches

I know He watches

I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy

I sing because I'm free

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches me

He watches me

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches me

He watches me

He watches me, I never thought...

He watches me

     Most of you know that music is how I get my point across in many different situations.  I can take lyrics from multiple songs, put them together and show them to you, sing them, or recite them and you'll know exactly how I'm feeling.  At any point in any day, there is a song that can express my mood, how I'm feeling, the situations I encounter, what I'm thinking about, etc.  Usually, if I post song lyrics online, it's a direct indicator as to how I'm feeling about something that is going on in my life.  They usually just pop into my head and then it plays over and over again in my mind for the rest of the day.  Sometimes I scare myself with how accurate the songs are...

     Today's song was "His Eye is on the Sparrow" by Lauryn Hill (which is why I came home and watched Sister Act 2, haha!).  I have a lot of big decisions that are having to be made in my life right now, both personal and educational/professional.  There are a lot of things that I have to figure out within the next few months.  A lot of things are riding on this last semester of college and an application for something beyond college.  What happens this fall will dictate what happens to me for the rest of my life... practically in all areas of life.  I graduate in December with a Bachelor of Arts in Hispanic Studies from East Carolina University, with a minor in Psychology.  After graduation, there are a few options.

     I'm applying for what's called a "cultural ambassadorship" in Spain for the 2013-2014 school year. The application will be submitted this November.  If I am accepted into the program, I will leave in August for a full year to work alongside Spanish teachers teaching children in Spain how to speak English and helping them learn about the American culture.  I will live and work among Spaniards for an entire year while I enrich myself with their culture, their language, their heritage.  I am so excited about this and I hope you will be excited for me, too!  If, for some reason, I am not chosen to participate in this program, I will be applying to graduate schools in several different states; i.e., NC, AL, FL, MD, etc.  I am still doing research on the best graduate schools for the pathways I have chosen to take interest in, so these states may change.  If I do not get into the program, it is likely that I will work for a few years so that I can save up money to return back to school.  Like I said, it all rides on this chance in Spain.  Hopefully, I will have a chance to join the ranks of this wonderful opportunity.  

     I know that it's a long time and a lot of people have their reservations about me going to another country for a year... but what you need to understand is that this is my life, this is my career, this is what I have worked for, this is who I am.  This is a wonderful opportunity for me to immerse myself into the language itself (the one I've been learning for so long).  Yes, I will miss my family and my friends... more importantly, my mother... more than anything in the world, but it's time for my life to begin.  It's time for Ashley to have her chance at a fulfilling and wonderful life and be who she was meant to be.

     Besides... wherever I go, whatever I do, it should comfort you to know that God has His eye on me.  He's going to be watching over me wherever life leads me.  The choices that I make from here on out will be guided by Him and only Him.  Shouldn't this ease your mind?  

His eye is on the sparrow.

"UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." -Dr. Seuss

     Tonight, Dylan and I ordered chinese takeout and lounged about watching The Lorax.  Happy Labor Day to us, right?  Neither of us have ever seen the movie and thought it would be pretty neat to watch together... he is my nephew, after all and we both share a love of animated movies, I mean c'mon!  Don't act like you guys don't like animated movies (i.e., Disney, Pixar).  Instead of ultimately watching a movie that I thought would prove to be super cute and laid back... I find that this movie made me think a lot.  Especially the quote at the end of the movie from Dr. Seuss, "UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

     Now, this quote can be applied to a whole bunch of different scenarios and situations, but it got me thinking of cultural acceptance in the United States.  Most of you know that I'm a hispanic studies major at ECU, so of course it's natural that I would automatically think of the acceptance-- or lack thereof-- of the Spanish speaking population here in America.  Obviously everyone has their own opinion and are entitled to them; I'm not trying to say that any one opinion is wrong or that someone is insensitive because they have a different opinion than I do.  I'm simply stating mine.
     If you are a native Spanish speaker and you are here in the United States legally, I believe that you should have the same rights that I do because America prides itself on being the "melting pot" of the world.  
     A lot of people will actually fight me on this belief saying that if your first language is Spanish, then you should be deported.  I don't believe that's correct for legal immigrants.  Note that I said LEGAL.  If you are here illegally and you expect to get the same treatment and benefits that we as Americans receive, then I am all for the deportation laws.  That's just not fair.  You aren't contributing to this nation nor its economy, so you should not be allowed to partake in its wealth.  With that being said, I do believe that deportation laws should not be applicable to children under the age of 18.  Most of these children did not ask to come here, and a lot of them were born here.  To them, this is the only "home" they've ever known.  To deport them with their illegal parents and family members is like stripping them of everything they've ever had.  It isn't their fault they were born here illegally.  
     There are some people who believe that if you're not a native English speaker, then you should be deported anyway because you "are not accepted here; we no speak-ay da Spanish" (I literally heard that line this weekend).  This makes me so mad.  America prides itself on being the "melting pot", the most "diverse" nation on this planet, the most "accepting" of them all (whether it be race, religion, culture, etc).  If this is so, why are the majority of southern Americans still on this kick of being so much better than everyone else?  If I were born in a different country where there were absolutely no opportunities to advance myself as a person or to make a better life for my family, I would want to immigrate to the "land of opportunities" as well.  I would want my children to learn English, go to American universities and make something of themselves.  They would be RICH in culture because not only would they know their own culture, but they would learn the American way of life as well.
     Honestly, I think this is one of the worst forms of discrimination in the United States.  People learn that someone is a mexican, latino, etc., and they automatically assume that they are freeloaders and shouldn't be here.  Thank you very much, but most of my native Spanish friends are all here legally and are contributing to America's economy very well.  Sometimes I honestly wish I were of hispanic descent because they are the most caring individuals I have ever met.  They are hard workers and so intelligent.  Take for example a friend of mine; she just graduated from ECU with honors and is now in grad school at NC State.  Another friend of mine is in Puerto Rico for the semester; not only is she finishing her bachelor's there, she's learning so much about her heritage as well.  
    Obviously if you think that Spanish speakers (or any other immigrants for that matter) are "second class citizens", you are ignorant and we should not be friends.  But you know who are the worst offenders of this tragic misconception?  People who never went to college, who never broadened their horizons and went from high school straight into a minimum wage job.  I'm ashamed to say that some of my own family members probably feel that way because they are old fashioned and set in their ways.  Can't people see that this is just another form of "racism"?  Just another way to discriminate against people who are different than you are?  It's so ignorant... you can learn so much about the world and about yourself from people who are DIFFERENT than you.
    Coming to ECU was the best decision I've ever made in my life and I would do it again if I had to.  I have learned so much and met such a broad spectrum of people.  These people have made me a better person, they have shown me the light.  Discrimination is not okay in any form or fashion.  I don't care who you are, you should respect all people no matter their heritage, race, gender, sexual preference, etc.  Some people may say that I've become too "liberal" and that ECU has completely "changed me", but I believe that I have been changed for the better.  The southern states in America are the last to change, but it's been a long time coming and needs to happen.  Life would be so much better if everyone just got along.
     I could go on and on and on and on about this topic, but I think I'm going to stop here.  So, my question to you is:  Do you care enough about your beloved nation, and the morals/values we pride ourselves in, enough to stop discrimination in all forms?

Food for thought.

Wanted You More

     The more I think about the past 5 years of my life, the clearer it becomes that I was blinded by something that was never real.  If it had been real, it would still be.  Never have I felt the way I did when I was with him, talking to him, loving him.  We barely saw each other because of circumstances that we could not control (military), but did that stop me from loving him? From wanting to be with him? From wanting to make it work through the most difficult times where others would have cracked under the pressure?  No.  It didn't.  The fact of the matter was that I would have done anything for him, anything.  All he had to do was ask and that's what I would have done.

SN: It actually makes me wonder.  If that wasn't real... how amazing is the REAL thing going to feel?

     Knowing that everything I have said is true... is why it is hard for me to let my guard down and be open to love again.  I was consumed by what I thought was true love, one love.  Consumed by the idea that I would never need anyone else, he was everything to me.  When our relationship crumbled and fell apart... so did I.  I crumbled because of a mistake that HE made.  It scares me to know that when I love, I love with everything I have and everything that I am.  The way I was a year ago-- I never want to be that way again.  I never want to give someone so much power over me that if they leave, I'm left destitute and lost in my own skin.

     The problem here is... I still want to know what true love feels like.  I miss feeling the way I felt for all those years.  Happy, loved, important-- special.  When I was with him, I felt completed.  Anything in the world could have gone wrong, but it was okay because no matter what I had him.  Or was it all a lie?

     Will the fear of the unknown, the fear of the possibility of that happening again, keep me from being happy?  Will it keep me from being the person I used to be?  The girl who loves with her entire heart, not just a piece of it?  Obviously all of the questions that I ask in this post are completely rhetorical.  I wouldn't expect anyone to even try to answer them... I don't even know how to answer them or know if I ever will.

     I came across a song that completely encompasses my feelings about it all.  And most of you who read this know me very well, which means that you know that music can speak my emotions more than I can.

Lady Antebellum: Wanted You More

I kept waiting on a reason

and a call that never came

No, I never saw it comin'

Somethin' in you must've changed

All the words unspoken, 

promises broken-- I cried for so long.

Wasted too much time,

should've seen the signs.

Now I know just what went wrong.

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more

I guess I wanted you more

All the night we spent just talkin'

of the things we wanted out of life

Makin' plans and dreams together

I wish I'd seen, I was just too blind

My heart was open, exposed and hoping

for you to lay it on the line

but in the end it seemed

there was no room for me

still I tried to change your mind

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more

I guess I wanted you more

Ohh, I don't need you

I don't need you anymore

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

I don't need you

I don't need you anymore

     But you know what's funny?  After everything he put me through, you'd think I would despise him... when in reality, I don't wish him harm.  Karma will get him back, I don't have to.  I'm completely over him and would never want anything else to do with him, I just have to deal with the aftermath of, in essence, him.  

     As much as I feel like I will never get over what he did to me, I know that in the end I will.  I'm going to be happy one day, I'm going to find a love that completely sweeps me off my feet and makes me wonder what I ever saw in him.  I'm going to love, and I'm going to love hard.  I'm going to be the same sweet, caring woman in someone else's life... someone who is going to appreciate and love everything about me, everything that he lost because of his own stupidity.  And as much as I want to blame every man on earth for what he did to me, I know that the person I will end up loving for the rest of my life will not be compared in the least to him.  

I will be happy one day, I will... and YOU don't win.

Heartbreak

So many of my friends are going through rough times right now.  It truly breaks my heart to watch them suffer.  I can go through all of the tough crap in my life and not feel sorry for myself, but as soon as one of my friends starts hurting... it's like my heart tears itself in two.  This time, it's not just one friend, but many.  The heartache spreads across a spectrum; from relationship heartbreak to losing someone who is closest to them before it's their time, from depression issues to utter disappointment with life.  Sometimes it makes me wonder why we go through the things we go through.  But you know what we all have in common?  The need to have wonderful people around us to help us through; at the end of the day, love and compassion go the farthest in helping someone through any type of heartbreak.

So this blog post goes out to them.  They all know who they are.  I found a bunch of bible verses and quotes from different people that I believe will help you through, or at least give you hope enough to get through the night.  I love you all.

"In quietness and trust is your strength." -Isaiah 30:15

"No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again." -Buddha

"Strength doesn't come from what you CAN do, it comes from overcoming what you once thought you couldn't."

"Believe in yourself and all that you are.  Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle." -Christian D. Larson

"God changes caterpillars into butterflies, sand into pearls, and coal into diamonds using TIME and PRESSURE.  He's working on you, too." -Rick Warren

"The Lord will fight for you; you need only be still." -Exodus 14:14


"Faith in God includes faith in His timing." -Neal A. Maxwell

"For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone." -Audrey Hepburn

"Your most effective ministries will come from your deepest hurts." -Anonymous


"Above all things, have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins." -1 Peter 4:8

"Promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." -Christopher Robin (Winnie the Pooh)

"When everything seems to be going against you, remember than an airplane takes off against the wind, not with it." -Henry Ford

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." -Jeremiah 29:11

Please remember that I am here for each and every one of you.  Without you in my life, I'm sure I would not have gotten through many different obstacles in my own life.  And for that, I thank you.  

Until next time.

Summer Goals

So... I have a list of goals that I have for summer 2012.  Let's see how these go.

Physical goals

• Lose weight
• Eat healthier
• Tone up
• Drink WATER 
• Start running again
• Feel better
• Reset my sleep patterns
• Go outside and play with Macy more
• Keep working on my tannn

Mental goals

• Quit thinking negatively
• Discover more music
• Be less neurotic
• Crawl out of this hole called "depression" once and for all
• Be the source of my own happiness
• Spend more time with my family and friends
• Read the books I bought for the summer
• Do more crafts/cook more things found on Pinterest
• Don't worry about guys; when I'm ready, I'll know it

Financial/Educational goals

• Get my 31 business up and running again
• Decide which classes to drop for the fall semester
• Look into paid internships in España, Argentina, etc. for the spring semester
• Look for another job for the fall semester
• Take the GRE, apply to grad schools
• Decide what I really want to get my Master's in: Translation, Professorship in Hispanic Studies, or Bilingual Social Work

But for the most part... start living the life that I know I deserve.  No one can cheat you out of your own happiness but yourself.  People come in and out of your life, but the ones who are actually worth it won't leave.  

Seems like a pretty long list.  Looks like my summer is booked. (:  Plus beach trips... cause I can't live without the beach. 

"I will love you for you"

He cries in the corner where nobody sees

He's the kid whose story no one would believe

He prays every night,

"Dear Lord, won't you please,

could you send someone here who will love me?"

Who will love me for me

Not for what I have done or

what I will become

Who will love me for me

Cause nobody has shown me

what love, what love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day

She's the woman whose husband has run away

She'll go to the gym after working today

Maybe if she was thinner, then he would've stayed

And she says,

Who'll love me for me?

Not for what I have done or

what I will become

Who will love me for me?

Cause nobody has shown me

what love, what love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone

He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done

He utters a cry from the depths of his soul,

"Oh Lord, forgive me, I wanna go home"

And then heard a voice somewhere deep inside

And it said, "I know you've murdered

and I know you've lied,

and I have watched you suffer all of your life

and now that you'll listen, I'll tell you that I...

I will love you for you

Not for what you have done or

what you will become

I will love you for you
I will give you the love,

the love that you never knew."

Love you for you

Not for what you have done or

what you will become

I will love you for you

I will give you the love,

the love that you never knew.

-JJ Heller: Love Me/What Love Really Means

    I've been reflecting all day about the kind of guy that I want to date... the kind of guy that I would eventually like to have a family with someday.  Obviously I'm not rushing anything, but it would be so much easier if guys would just be honest, trustworthy, and sweet.  The guys I've known/dated in the past few months have been less than amazing.  Is it too much to ask for what's on this list? :

• Christian
• Trustworthy
• Honest
• Caring
• Compassionate
• Dependable
• Friendly/kind
• Outgoing
• Wonderful personality
• Ambition
• Determination
• Humorous
• Non-judgmental
• Great smile
• Patience
• Maturity
• Short distance
 
 

     And as much as I say any of this... or want any of this... the fear that I have of dating again is holding me back.  Holding me back from the possibility of finding that love.  What if one of the guys I dated, but kicked to the curb because of one insignificant fault, was someone that could have made me happier than my wildest dreams?  But no, I can't actually allow anyone to get that close to me... to be in the midst of a place where they could possibly and inevitably hurt me.  That's what they say, right?  If you don't let people get close to you, you can't get hurt.  I find that I push away anyone who tries to get close to me... including friends, and that makes me angry.  It's almost like my subconscious is completely aware that it needs to shield me from any and every kind of emotional pain that I could ever come in contact with, but at the same time, it's turning me into this person that I've never been: super cautious, fearful, distrusting, moody, focused on excluding myself from situations that may cause me to be in that sort of situation.  It's ridiculous, to be honest with you. 

      But... I just want to find a man (eventually) that makes me weak in the knees just to look into his eyes, or hear his voice... whose touch feels like an angel has touched me, whose smile can make me feel like I'm on Cloud 9. I want to find the love that God has intended for me, just for me. I look at these older couples who have been together for 40, 50 and sometimes 60 years and I wonder if I will ever be in their shoes or if I'll just be one of the old women who couldn't find her true love after several attempted marriages... it's actually quite disheartening when you think about it. I trust that God has someone special for me and that, in His time, I will find him... but meeting all of the wrong ones just isn't helping my faith in finding love. Maybe I'm way too young to be thinking this way. But, is it a crime to want something with substance? A relationship that makes you feel like you can conquer the world at any given moment because someone is right there behind you every step of the way? Is it a crime to want that kind of love? All of my friends around me are in love, engaged, married, married with children... and here I am, single and free as a bird with no leads to anything that will actually be worth anything.

      I have so many faults right now that I don't think I should be dating anyone at all. No one deserves to NOT be trusted because of another person's past experiences, and they certainly don't deserve to put up with the mood swings that come with it. Until I'm better, I guess I'll just focus on the words of this song... He will love me for me, not for what I have done or what I will become, He will love me for me, HE will give me the love that I never knew. Sounds like a good plan to me.