Ms Independent

     I was driving to New Bern today and decided to turn the radio on (instead of my usual mixed CD) and an old song was on Bob 93.3: Kelly Clarkson's "Ms Independent".  I haven't heard that song in such a long time, I'm sure I was in middle school the last time I heard it.  All of the "nicknames" she used fit me right now... and I think I'm coming to realize that.  Ms Independent, Ms Self Sufficient, Ms Keep Your Distance, Ms Out of My Way, Ms Don't Let a Man Interfere, Ms On Her Own, Ms Almost Grown, Ms Never Let a Man Help Her Off Her Throne.

     I've come to the realization that if someone cannot understand what I'm going through, if they can't be patient enough to realize that I cannot be in a "normal relationship" anytime soon... then maybe I shouldn't even waste my time, or theirs for that matter.  I'm obviously not worth the time it is taking to wait, and if that's so... I shouldn't bother myself with getting my hopes up at all.  I waited for years for my last one; he was gone most of the time, and yet I was okay with that because I was patient, I understood that to get to the better times, you had to wait and get through the tough times first.  Why is it that women are so much more patient than men?  I guess I shouldn't expect any different considering where I come from.  We're all about instant gratification, right?

     Sometimes I wish that life was simpler, that men understood women, that explaining how you feel to someone would be enough.  But all I usually get is hostility, "you're being unfair", tweets or statuses that are indirectly about me, etc.  You know, I'm not a self righteous woman.  I lay everything out on the table from day one.  I explain everything and if they'd still like to get to know me, great, if not... that's fine, too.  With or without you, I'll be okay.  It's discomforting to feel as if I'll never meet a man that has enough patience, enough understanding, enough emotional strength to walk this path with me.  My past is not my fault, and it's not something that I can just walk away from.  It takes time, it takes patience, it takes dedication.  Do you think I like being this way?  So distrustful, so emotionally disturbed, so fearful of the unknown?  No, I definitely do not like being this way... but it's who I am now, and until I get over that, I'm sure I'll never find anyone who actually cares enough to be patient. 

     But that's okay, it really is.  I've realized that God has a much bigger plan for me.  There is probably someone out there who feels the same way I do.  Maybe I'll meet him tomorrow, or next month.  Who knows?  Whoever it is, God has made him patient and understanding... and the only reason I know that is because I know that God has someone planned just for ME (and that man will need patience and understanding).  I'm not rushing anything and I refuse to rush the healing process.  If you can't understand that, okay.  That's fine.  I'm not here to please anyone, to bow at the needs of anyone else right now.  This time, it's about me.  This time I've decided that I am going to take care of myself and my needs, my education, my wants, my life.  Too long has it been about someone else.  

     If I cannot make myself happy... I certainly cannot make YOU happy.  Food for thought.

Dear Daddy Bear

Dear Daddy Bear,

     April 25th, 10 days from now, marks the 7th anniversary of the day you were taken away from me.  The fact that you're gone still has not settled and a part of me still doesn't want to believe it.  I think about you often, especially when something good or bad happens in my life or if I need advice.  I still pick up the phone attempting to call you.  Halfway through the number, I remember that there won't be anyone on the other end of the line... so I end the call and take a deep breath.

     7 years, Daddy.  It's been 7 years since you've been gone and yet it still feels like it was just yesterday when I heard your laugh or saw the glimmer in your eyes.  I was only 15.  I was in my freshman year of high school, I was involved in the band.  You reminded me constantly of how proud you were of me.  I was so busy that I barely got to see you, not like I had before high school anyway.  Sometimes I wish I could go back and spend more time with you; I think, "if only I had known..." but that's not how life is, is it?  

     Sometimes I think of you and I become sad thinking of everything that you're missing.  You've missed the birth of your only granddaughter (as of yet), she's a mess by the way.  You missed me graduating high school and going off to ECU; you missed Amy receiving her Medic certificates.  You're going to miss my university graduation, my graduate school graduation, my marriage and the birth of my children.  But then I think... you're in heaven,you see everything!  You may not be here physically, but you are in spirit and because of that you're looking down on us from Heaven and you're smiling because you can see everything.  It still doesn't make it any easier, but it's comforting to me.

     I used to wish that you had never been taken from us.  I used to try to bargain with God so that He would bring you back to me, as silly as that sounds.  Nothing anyone ever said to me made it better because to me, they didn't understand what I was feeling... and how could they?  I miss you so much, especially now that I am old enough to have the kind of close relationship with you as I have with Mama.  You were always so funny, but you always knew exactly what to say to make me feel better... "this too shall pass, baby bear, this too shall pass".  You know that's my life's motto, now?  Whenever I hear it or say it, I think of you and smile.  You've left a crazy mark on my life, but I guess that was your goal, huh?

     As I've gotten older, I realize that everything happens for a reason and that everyone is taken when God wants to bring them home.  I should be rejoicing because YOU got to leave this wretched world and spend the rest of eternity with Jesus before me.  It's selfish to want you to still be alive and on this earth with me; you are probably having a much better time there, anyway!  Singing with your guitar and playing your drums constantly... it must be wonderful.  You used to always say that Heaven didn't know what it was missing without you, but I'm sure they probably want to give you back by now! Haha! 

     Can you do me a favor and keep your watch over me?  I'm going through a lot, which I know that you know about... but sometimes it seems like I could have avoided all of this had you still been alive.  It may be silly to think that way, but you know that all I ever wanted to do was to make you proud.  Don't give up on me just yet, I know there are a lot of good things in my future... I just have to get over the inhibitions that loom over my life right now.  Time is what it takes to heal, and it also takes having a guardian angel watching over you.  I'm happy to say that my guardian angel is my father.

     Someday I will see you again, but until then keep singing with Jesus until I can get there and take your place in the choir.  I love you and miss you dearly, daddy bear.

XOXO,

Baby Bear

Defying Gravity

One of the biggest things in my Bucket List is to see a Broadway musical in New York City.  The one I'd most like to see would be Wicked; I'm not sure when they do it or if they'll even do it again.  But, a girl can dream, right?  My favorite song from the soundtrack is Defying Gravity.  It has an amazing message, too.  I guess I'm not doing this so much for you guys, but for me.  To remind me of what I can do when I set my mind to it.

Something has changed within me

Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules

Of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing

Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts 

Close my eyes and leap!

It's time to try defying gravity

I think I'll try defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

I'm through accepting limits

Cause someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love,

It comes with much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye -- I'm defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

So if you care to find me

Look to the western sky!

As someone told me lately:

"Everyone deserves the chance to fly!"

And if I'm flying solo

At least I'm flying free

To those who'd ground me

Take a message back from me

Tell them how I am defying gravity

I'm flying high defying gravity

And nobody is ever gonna bring me down!

I believe this shall be my new theme song.  No one will ever bring me down the way I was brought down ever again.  I am defined by me, and me only.  My life is precious, there's not a second to waste.  I graduate soon... and what am I doing with my life?  Well, I'm defying gravity.