He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid whose story no one would believe
He prays every night,
"Dear Lord, won't you please,
could you send someone here who will love me?"
Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done or
what I will become
Who will love me for me
Cause nobody has shown me
what love, what love really means
Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman whose husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner, then he would've stayed
And she says,
Who'll love me for me?
Not for what I have done or
what I will become
Who will love me for me?
Cause nobody has shown me
what love, what love really means
He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul,
"Oh Lord, forgive me, I wanna go home"
And then heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said, "I know you've murdered
and I know you've lied,
and I have watched you suffer all of your life
and now that you'll listen, I'll tell you that I...
I will love you for you
Not for what you have done or
what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love,
the love that you never knew."
Love you for you
Not for what you have done or
what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love,
the love that you never knew.
-JJ Heller: Love Me/What Love Really Means
I've been reflecting all day about the kind of guy that I want to date... the kind of guy that I would eventually like to have a family with someday. Obviously I'm not rushing anything, but it would be so much easier if guys would just be honest, trustworthy, and sweet. The guys I've known/dated in the past few months have been less than amazing. Is it too much to ask for what's on this list? :
Christian
Trustworthy
Honest
Caring
Compassionate
Dependable
Friendly/kind
Outgoing
Wonderful personality
Ambition
Determination
Humorous
Non-judgmental
Great smile
Patience
Maturity
Short distance
And as much as I say any of this... or want any of this... the fear that I have of dating again is holding me back. Holding me back from the possibility of finding that love. What if one of the guys I dated, but kicked to the curb because of one insignificant fault, was someone that could have made me happier than my wildest dreams? But no, I can't actually allow anyone to get that close to me... to be in the midst of a place where they could possibly and inevitably hurt me. That's what they say, right? If you don't let people get close to you, you can't get hurt. I find that I push away anyone who tries to get close to me... including friends, and that makes me angry. It's almost like my subconscious is completely aware that it needs to shield me from any and every kind of emotional pain that I could ever come in contact with, but at the same time, it's turning me into this person that I've never been: super cautious, fearful, distrusting, moody, focused on excluding myself from situations that may cause me to be in that sort of situation. It's ridiculous, to be honest with you.
But... I just want to find a man (eventually) that makes me weak in the knees just to look into his eyes, or hear his voice... whose touch feels like an angel has touched me, whose smile can make me feel like I'm on Cloud 9. I want to find the love that God has intended for me, just for me. I look at these older couples who have been together for 40, 50 and sometimes 60 years and I wonder if I will ever be in their shoes or if I'll just be one of the old women who couldn't find her true love after several attempted marriages... it's actually quite disheartening when you think about it. I trust that God has someone special for me and that, in His time, I will find him... but meeting all of the wrong ones just isn't helping my faith in finding love. Maybe I'm way too young to be thinking this way. But, is it a crime to want something with substance? A relationship that makes you feel like you can conquer the world at any given moment because someone is right there behind you every step of the way? Is it a crime to want that kind of love? All of my friends around me are in love, engaged, married, married with children... and here I am, single and free as a bird with no leads to anything that will actually be worth anything.
I have so many faults right now that I don't think I should be dating anyone at all. No one deserves to NOT be trusted because of another person's past experiences, and they certainly don't deserve to put up with the mood swings that come with it. Until I'm better, I guess I'll just focus on the words of this song... He will love me for me, not for what I have done or what I will become, He will love me for me, HE will give me the love that I never knew. Sounds like a good plan to me.
