Four Years

Four years. A lot can happen in four years. People graduate from high school, from college... kids go from middle school to high school, from Boy Scouts to Eagle Scouts. We change Presidents after four years. Four years is a long time.

Four years. That's exactly how long it's been since my entire life was turned upside down... so much so that I didn't even know which way was up or who I was at all. I had defined my life by someone who didn't define theirs by me-- and it cost me time, energy, sanity, and ultimately, a marriage.

Growing up in church, I always had my heart set on being married once. Finding that one special man that God had made just for me. The one that my soul yearned for; that I could grow with, pray with, build a family with. Spending time with him and learning more about why God had chosen that one just for me. Divorce wasn't an option and would "never" be an option... why would I need to worry about that if I married the one God made for me, anyway?

Unfortunately the one that I thought God had made for me was not the one He had in mind at all. I was blinded by sweet talk and empty promises... and instead of listening to gut feelings on an early marriage, I went through with it anyway. That's what you do when you love someone, right?

Most were against it. Looking back on it, I wish I had listened... but, I guess what they say is true. People learn from their mistakes and they have to do it the hard way. I never thought I'd be a victim of that truth, but here we are.

Through all of the events that took place back then, I trusted God more fervently than ever before. I immersed myself in worship, scripture, prayer. I thought that if I made all efforts to be a better person, daughter to Jesus, wife to my husband, daughter to my mother, etc., that I would surely be rewarded for it and, somehow, God would save my marriage. He had to, right? I was HIS daughter and I had never done anything even remotely heathen in my life... He would make sure nothing bad happened to me, right?

For months, I prayed and read my bible... I clung to a verse that one of my professors gave me on a scrap piece of paper one day during a test because she knew I was having troubles: "Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord, trust Him and He will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun." Psalm 37:4-6. 

To me, that verse basically meant that everything was going to be okay. My marriage was going to be okay.  Wrong. You know what it truly meant? It meant that HE knows exactly what my heart desires and, ultimately, what my heart DESERVES. But, let's not get off track. I have a point I'm trying to make here. 

After the divorce was finalized, my heart grew cold... and so did my personality, my persona. I was angry. God PROMISED to give me the desires of my heart in that verse, did He not? Why is my marriage ending... WHY am I having to endure such pain and heartbreak? I became furious with God and refused to speak to Him. REFUSED to have anything to do with Him. He didn't love me like He said He did.

Slowly but surely, God's truth came back to me and slapped me in the face harder each time. Several friends that I've met along the way have had circumstances similar to mine that I have helped them cope with, have prayed with and for them, and have ultimately used my experience to support and comfort someone else. I became that shoulder to cry on, that ear to listen, that face and voice of comfort. The trials that I faced were not to punish me... but to prepare me for what was to come. To prepare me for who He needed me to be for His purpose... not mine.

One day while moving my amazing Women's study bible, it fell open to a page that caught my attention. A verse I'd never seen before... and it's stuck with me ever since and has pretty much explained why all of my prayers went "unanswered" all those years before: "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you" 1 Peter 5:10.

I often think, "what if I could go back and change the past... listen to them?" It seems like an all-too-common statement or wish, but it crosses my mind frequently. But then I end up laughing at myself in the long run... why would I want to go back and change the past?

Ultimately I would just be changing myself. I may not be as innocent, pure, or tame as I was in the past, but I like who I am and the woman I've become. I am stronger and wiser; my experiences help me to help others. Yes, there are qualities about myself that I should probably work on, but most people have those as well.

I would never change my past because it's a part of me. It may be painful and filled with regret, but in the end... I learned all of the lessons that God saw fit for me to learn. I didn't follow the "perfect life plan" that I always wanted when I was younger... but, who does? Really?

If you're going through a hard time, just remember that God gives His toughest battles to His strongest warriors. Don't give up and don't stop trusting Him. He's gonna send people your way that you never thought would be there; messages from people you've never talked to; scriptures you never knew you needed.

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still" Exodus 14:14