Happiness don't drag its feet when its time has come...

It's been a while since I've sat down and actually wrote to my heart's content.  For some reason, writing really does do my soul some good-- even if it doesn't help anyone else.  I don't even really have to talk about my feelings for it to help me.  I wonder if it's that way for anyone else?

So with that being said, here I am with a candle burning, Pandora singing, and a box of tissues (Summertime colds are no fun!) ready to write about my observances.

It has come to my attention that society's focus on the dating world and having the "perfect" girlfriend or boyfriend has become the central idea in everyone's minds.  If you aren't dating or have a significant other, it's like the world looks at you as being either a prude or a "poor, poor, pitiful girl/guy" lonelier than the next.  I'm not sure why everyone is feigning to find that one person they can spend all their time with.  People are actually SEARCHING for this person, this person that will make all of their dreams come true... this person that will miraculously make all of their problems go away with a single smile.  I hate to break it to you-- even the best relationship has its issues and no matter how hard that person tries, they can't make your problems go away.  You have to rely on yourself to make those problems go away.

This brings me to my next point: why I am not dating anyone right now.  Focus on the last sentence of the previous paragraph-- you have to rely on yourself to make your problems go away.  Your happiness depends on you, not someone else.  Why put the dependence of your happiness in someone who may or may not be there forever?  You're setting yourself up for failure.  Before entering a relationship, or even a dating situation, I feel like you should love yourself and have faith in your own happiness before you bring someone else into that bubble we call our lives.  If you can't make yourself happy, you can't make someone else happy... and you sure as Hades can't expect that person to bring you happiness if you can't do it yourself.

What I'm saying is that I need to work on myself before I date again.  They say it takes a year to get over a heartbreak.  To date, it has been exactly a year and a half since the date of my divorce.  I wholeheartedly agree that it took an entire year to get over that heartbreak.  You may be saying, "Well, Ashley, that leaves 6 months unaccounted for."  No, it really doesn't.  The last 6 months have been about me trying to find who I am without someone else; really getting to know myself and what makes me happy or sad before I find someone else to take his place.

While I'm over the heartbreak, I am not over the situation and what the last one did to me.  He betrayed my trust; I fully trusted him and everything he said to me.  I had absolutely no doubts even when friends would bring up valid ideas and points about our relationship.  That's what you're supposed to do in a relationship, right?  Believe your significant other over everyone else, right?  Wrong.  I should've listened.  But the point of the matter is, I'm not over the betrayal.  I'm not over the idea that someone could have that much power over my emotions that I allowed them to betray my trust and, ultimately, my heart. 

Being that I feel this way-- that I cannot trust someone yet-- leads me back to my first point.  I have to work on me and work on my trusting skills before I can really, honestly, completely agree to being with someone again.  As much as I want someone to be there, as much as I WANT to trust someone and to love again... the ultimate truth is that right now, I'm just not able to do that.  And that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me.  I used to refer to myself as "damaged goods" and "broken"... but the truth of the matter is that I am neither.  I am someone who is figuring herself out by staying single in a world full of relationships, marriages, etc.

Everyone goes through their stages of grieving... and some go through them in a different order than other.  Now, you may say that a heartbreak is not a cause for grieving, but I would have to disagree.  Any sudden loss can send someone into a grievance cycle.  In a way, that person is now "dead to you"; in fact, it would seem as if they really did die.  The 5 stages (common) are as follows: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  If I had to peg myself, I would have to say that I'm in the 5th and final phase and have been for a while.  There's no time limit for the cycles, as you may know, and everyone has their own timing.  So that you can better understand me and where I'm at these days, I've looked up the characteristics of this phase to give you a better explanation:
"This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression [...] Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing."

So, before you try to understand why I do the things I do or give me the whole, "I just want you to be happy again" line... please remember that there is a healing process that I am going through and that I cannot just rush it for anyone and everyone. [This is mainly directed towards my family and friends... please know that I love you, but I need my own time. I will get there, I promise.]

I will come back better than ever, you'll see. Just give me the time that I need.

 -Ashley

If you want more information about the 5 stages of grief, click here.


Hasta la próxima vez.