People are always going to let you down.

Sometimes when I think about my life and how it is compared to my "dream" life, it makes me sad to think that I will never escape the "norm" I have come to accept.  People are always going to let me down, but even worse still... I am always going to let myself down.

No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am okay, the inevitable truth is that I'm not okay.  That life is not okay.  Events in my past have dragged me down to the state I am in now... some days are good, some days are bad.  The funny thing about that is, I'm the only one that is holding myself back from being happy, successful, in love, etc.  I allow the things in my present and past to tear me down on a constant daily basis assuming that I am not good enough or worth enough to have the dreams I want to pursue, the education and careers I want to obtain, the love and family I want to fulfill.  Try as I may, I just can't "get it right".  I rationalize things to such a degree that even things that seem remotely fun or enjoyable are not rational to me.  I have such a sense of responsibility that I can't do things to make myself happy.  My mind conflicts with my heart and my decisions are always based on someone else's feelings instead of my own.  I was raised to be that way but I'm starting to feel like it's more of a curse than a blessing.

I need my friends beside me when I'm having a terrible day/week/month/whatever... but it seems I always end up being a doormat for the people that I love the most, family and friends.  I would do anything and everything just to keep their heavy burdens a little bit lighter... and yet the people who I call my "friends" (sometimes even the ones I call my "best friends") always let me down.  Always; it never fails.  Friendship is a two-way street.  You can't expect someone to be there for you during all of your breakdowns, do things for you that no one else had the time or money to do, to be the person who drops everything just because you're having a terrible night... and then when they need you the most, turn your back on them because you just don't have time for that in your life.

The point is this: I'm tired of being that doormat.  The problem is this: I don't know how to stop being that doormat.  I don't like to be called selfish, mean, ornery, or anything of the like... but it's getting to the point where I feel like I need to be that.  The ones of you who decide that you want to be my "friends" or "best friends", prove it.  I'm over trying to be there for you when you don't do the same for me.

Note: To my absolute best friends who've stood faithfully by me through everything no matter what, I thank you with all of my heart.  You truly are the meaning of love and friendship (in alphabetical order so you guys don't get cranky, kk?): Allison, Alton Ray, Ashley, Jonathan, Lindsey, Marenda, Rhonda.

It's ironic how the list continues to get shorter with time.

Hasta la próxima vez.

    

 

Chasing Pavements

by Adele

I've made up my mind, don't need to think it over

If I'm wrong I am right, don't need to look no further

This ain't lust, I know this is love

But if I tell the world, I'll never say enough

Cause it was not said to you

And that's exactly what I need to do if I'd end up with you

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place

Should I leave it there?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

I build myself up and fly around in circles

Wait then as my heart drops and my back begins to tingle

Finally could this be it?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place

Should I leave it there?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place

Should I leave it there?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Or would it be a waste even if I knew my place

Should I leave it there?

Should I give up or should I just keep chasing pavements

Even if it leads nowhere?

Changes

It's been brought to my attention that all of my close friends, the ones who are supposed to be the best of the best, feel that I have changed since high school.  Apparently I am not the same person I was before I moved to Greenville and I have changed to the point where no one knows "this person" I've become.  It amazes me that the people who are bringing this to my attention... are some of the worst offenders of change I've ever seen.  Hold on, let's take one step back. Since when is changing such a bad thing?

As we grow older, we change.  Our beliefs change.  Who we are changes.  Especially if you go to a university.  In my experience, it changes you a whole lot.  It broadens your horizons and opens your mind to different ways of living, different walks of life, different people, different cultures.  The way you think starts to change because you become more "liberal" and accepting of all that is different.  You being to be open-minded and experienced-- you enter into the 21st century, people.  Yes, it changes you.  It doesn't necessarily mean that it's a bad thing like people would lead you to believe.  Changes in your life will change who you are whether or not you want them to. 

In my case, change has not been a bad thing.  I'm not sorry about it one bit. I've been through things that have changed me as a person.  I don't like all of the changes that have been made in my life, but there is nothing I can do about that.  They are, however, changes in me that I love and I embrace. This is me, this is who I am, who I was meant to be.  I'm no longer naive, I don't let people walk all over me, I have my own opinion and you're going to know it... but I am not a cruel person, I do not say things about my friends behind their backs that I wouldn't tell them at the right time and place.

Just because I don't fit your ideal description of who you want me to be doesn't mean I am not who I am supposed to be.

Maybe before you start acting like you're Mother Theresa... you should probably make sure that all your laundry is clean.



/End Rant

Happy Ending

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending.  Every movie we see, every story we're told, implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule.  But sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending, we don't learn how to read the signs.  How to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave.  And maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy... maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over.  Freeing yourself up for something better in the future.  Maybe the happy ending is just moving on or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing that after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope." -Gigi, He's Just Not That Into You

I think this says enough.  I shouldn't even have to explain.  Food for thought.

His Eye is on the Sparrow

Why should I feel discouraged?

Why should the shadows come?

Why should my heart feel lonely

and long for heaven and home?

When Jesus is my portion

A constant friend is He

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches over me

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy

I sing because I'm free

His eye is on the sparrow

And I know He, He watches me

His eyes is on the sparrow

and I know He watches

I know He watches

I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy

I sing because I'm free

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches me

He watches me

His eye is on the sparrow

and I know He watches me

He watches me

He watches me, I never thought...

He watches me

     Most of you know that music is how I get my point across in many different situations.  I can take lyrics from multiple songs, put them together and show them to you, sing them, or recite them and you'll know exactly how I'm feeling.  At any point in any day, there is a song that can express my mood, how I'm feeling, the situations I encounter, what I'm thinking about, etc.  Usually, if I post song lyrics online, it's a direct indicator as to how I'm feeling about something that is going on in my life.  They usually just pop into my head and then it plays over and over again in my mind for the rest of the day.  Sometimes I scare myself with how accurate the songs are...

     Today's song was "His Eye is on the Sparrow" by Lauryn Hill (which is why I came home and watched Sister Act 2, haha!).  I have a lot of big decisions that are having to be made in my life right now, both personal and educational/professional.  There are a lot of things that I have to figure out within the next few months.  A lot of things are riding on this last semester of college and an application for something beyond college.  What happens this fall will dictate what happens to me for the rest of my life... practically in all areas of life.  I graduate in December with a Bachelor of Arts in Hispanic Studies from East Carolina University, with a minor in Psychology.  After graduation, there are a few options.

     I'm applying for what's called a "cultural ambassadorship" in Spain for the 2013-2014 school year. The application will be submitted this November.  If I am accepted into the program, I will leave in August for a full year to work alongside Spanish teachers teaching children in Spain how to speak English and helping them learn about the American culture.  I will live and work among Spaniards for an entire year while I enrich myself with their culture, their language, their heritage.  I am so excited about this and I hope you will be excited for me, too!  If, for some reason, I am not chosen to participate in this program, I will be applying to graduate schools in several different states; i.e., NC, AL, FL, MD, etc.  I am still doing research on the best graduate schools for the pathways I have chosen to take interest in, so these states may change.  If I do not get into the program, it is likely that I will work for a few years so that I can save up money to return back to school.  Like I said, it all rides on this chance in Spain.  Hopefully, I will have a chance to join the ranks of this wonderful opportunity.  

     I know that it's a long time and a lot of people have their reservations about me going to another country for a year... but what you need to understand is that this is my life, this is my career, this is what I have worked for, this is who I am.  This is a wonderful opportunity for me to immerse myself into the language itself (the one I've been learning for so long).  Yes, I will miss my family and my friends... more importantly, my mother... more than anything in the world, but it's time for my life to begin.  It's time for Ashley to have her chance at a fulfilling and wonderful life and be who she was meant to be.

     Besides... wherever I go, whatever I do, it should comfort you to know that God has His eye on me.  He's going to be watching over me wherever life leads me.  The choices that I make from here on out will be guided by Him and only Him.  Shouldn't this ease your mind?  

His eye is on the sparrow.

"UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not." -Dr. Seuss

     Tonight, Dylan and I ordered chinese takeout and lounged about watching The Lorax.  Happy Labor Day to us, right?  Neither of us have ever seen the movie and thought it would be pretty neat to watch together... he is my nephew, after all and we both share a love of animated movies, I mean c'mon!  Don't act like you guys don't like animated movies (i.e., Disney, Pixar).  Instead of ultimately watching a movie that I thought would prove to be super cute and laid back... I find that this movie made me think a lot.  Especially the quote at the end of the movie from Dr. Seuss, "UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not."

     Now, this quote can be applied to a whole bunch of different scenarios and situations, but it got me thinking of cultural acceptance in the United States.  Most of you know that I'm a hispanic studies major at ECU, so of course it's natural that I would automatically think of the acceptance-- or lack thereof-- of the Spanish speaking population here in America.  Obviously everyone has their own opinion and are entitled to them; I'm not trying to say that any one opinion is wrong or that someone is insensitive because they have a different opinion than I do.  I'm simply stating mine.
     If you are a native Spanish speaker and you are here in the United States legally, I believe that you should have the same rights that I do because America prides itself on being the "melting pot" of the world.  
     A lot of people will actually fight me on this belief saying that if your first language is Spanish, then you should be deported.  I don't believe that's correct for legal immigrants.  Note that I said LEGAL.  If you are here illegally and you expect to get the same treatment and benefits that we as Americans receive, then I am all for the deportation laws.  That's just not fair.  You aren't contributing to this nation nor its economy, so you should not be allowed to partake in its wealth.  With that being said, I do believe that deportation laws should not be applicable to children under the age of 18.  Most of these children did not ask to come here, and a lot of them were born here.  To them, this is the only "home" they've ever known.  To deport them with their illegal parents and family members is like stripping them of everything they've ever had.  It isn't their fault they were born here illegally.  
     There are some people who believe that if you're not a native English speaker, then you should be deported anyway because you "are not accepted here; we no speak-ay da Spanish" (I literally heard that line this weekend).  This makes me so mad.  America prides itself on being the "melting pot", the most "diverse" nation on this planet, the most "accepting" of them all (whether it be race, religion, culture, etc).  If this is so, why are the majority of southern Americans still on this kick of being so much better than everyone else?  If I were born in a different country where there were absolutely no opportunities to advance myself as a person or to make a better life for my family, I would want to immigrate to the "land of opportunities" as well.  I would want my children to learn English, go to American universities and make something of themselves.  They would be RICH in culture because not only would they know their own culture, but they would learn the American way of life as well.
     Honestly, I think this is one of the worst forms of discrimination in the United States.  People learn that someone is a mexican, latino, etc., and they automatically assume that they are freeloaders and shouldn't be here.  Thank you very much, but most of my native Spanish friends are all here legally and are contributing to America's economy very well.  Sometimes I honestly wish I were of hispanic descent because they are the most caring individuals I have ever met.  They are hard workers and so intelligent.  Take for example a friend of mine; she just graduated from ECU with honors and is now in grad school at NC State.  Another friend of mine is in Puerto Rico for the semester; not only is she finishing her bachelor's there, she's learning so much about her heritage as well.  
    Obviously if you think that Spanish speakers (or any other immigrants for that matter) are "second class citizens", you are ignorant and we should not be friends.  But you know who are the worst offenders of this tragic misconception?  People who never went to college, who never broadened their horizons and went from high school straight into a minimum wage job.  I'm ashamed to say that some of my own family members probably feel that way because they are old fashioned and set in their ways.  Can't people see that this is just another form of "racism"?  Just another way to discriminate against people who are different than you are?  It's so ignorant... you can learn so much about the world and about yourself from people who are DIFFERENT than you.
    Coming to ECU was the best decision I've ever made in my life and I would do it again if I had to.  I have learned so much and met such a broad spectrum of people.  These people have made me a better person, they have shown me the light.  Discrimination is not okay in any form or fashion.  I don't care who you are, you should respect all people no matter their heritage, race, gender, sexual preference, etc.  Some people may say that I've become too "liberal" and that ECU has completely "changed me", but I believe that I have been changed for the better.  The southern states in America are the last to change, but it's been a long time coming and needs to happen.  Life would be so much better if everyone just got along.
     I could go on and on and on and on about this topic, but I think I'm going to stop here.  So, my question to you is:  Do you care enough about your beloved nation, and the morals/values we pride ourselves in, enough to stop discrimination in all forms?

Food for thought.

Wanted You More

     The more I think about the past 5 years of my life, the clearer it becomes that I was blinded by something that was never real.  If it had been real, it would still be.  Never have I felt the way I did when I was with him, talking to him, loving him.  We barely saw each other because of circumstances that we could not control (military), but did that stop me from loving him? From wanting to be with him? From wanting to make it work through the most difficult times where others would have cracked under the pressure?  No.  It didn't.  The fact of the matter was that I would have done anything for him, anything.  All he had to do was ask and that's what I would have done.

SN: It actually makes me wonder.  If that wasn't real... how amazing is the REAL thing going to feel?

     Knowing that everything I have said is true... is why it is hard for me to let my guard down and be open to love again.  I was consumed by what I thought was true love, one love.  Consumed by the idea that I would never need anyone else, he was everything to me.  When our relationship crumbled and fell apart... so did I.  I crumbled because of a mistake that HE made.  It scares me to know that when I love, I love with everything I have and everything that I am.  The way I was a year ago-- I never want to be that way again.  I never want to give someone so much power over me that if they leave, I'm left destitute and lost in my own skin.

     The problem here is... I still want to know what true love feels like.  I miss feeling the way I felt for all those years.  Happy, loved, important-- special.  When I was with him, I felt completed.  Anything in the world could have gone wrong, but it was okay because no matter what I had him.  Or was it all a lie?

     Will the fear of the unknown, the fear of the possibility of that happening again, keep me from being happy?  Will it keep me from being the person I used to be?  The girl who loves with her entire heart, not just a piece of it?  Obviously all of the questions that I ask in this post are completely rhetorical.  I wouldn't expect anyone to even try to answer them... I don't even know how to answer them or know if I ever will.

     I came across a song that completely encompasses my feelings about it all.  And most of you who read this know me very well, which means that you know that music can speak my emotions more than I can.

Lady Antebellum: Wanted You More

I kept waiting on a reason

and a call that never came

No, I never saw it comin'

Somethin' in you must've changed

All the words unspoken, 

promises broken-- I cried for so long.

Wasted too much time,

should've seen the signs.

Now I know just what went wrong.

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more

I guess I wanted you more

All the night we spent just talkin'

of the things we wanted out of life

Makin' plans and dreams together

I wish I'd seen, I was just too blind

My heart was open, exposed and hoping

for you to lay it on the line

but in the end it seemed

there was no room for me

still I tried to change your mind

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more

I guess I wanted you more

Ohh, I don't need you

I don't need you anymore

I guess I wanted you more

and looking back now, I'm sure

I wanted you more
I guess I wanted you more

I don't need you

I don't need you anymore

     But you know what's funny?  After everything he put me through, you'd think I would despise him... when in reality, I don't wish him harm.  Karma will get him back, I don't have to.  I'm completely over him and would never want anything else to do with him, I just have to deal with the aftermath of, in essence, him.  

     As much as I feel like I will never get over what he did to me, I know that in the end I will.  I'm going to be happy one day, I'm going to find a love that completely sweeps me off my feet and makes me wonder what I ever saw in him.  I'm going to love, and I'm going to love hard.  I'm going to be the same sweet, caring woman in someone else's life... someone who is going to appreciate and love everything about me, everything that he lost because of his own stupidity.  And as much as I want to blame every man on earth for what he did to me, I know that the person I will end up loving for the rest of my life will not be compared in the least to him.  

I will be happy one day, I will... and YOU don't win.