Chronic pain; let's be real for a minute

I just want to take a few minutes and just acknowledge all that is happening in my life right now and point out some things that I want people to know.  It seems it's God's will that I go through this turbulent time in my life where everything is uncertain when it comes to my health, my life, my ability to be NORMAL on any given day... and as hard as it is for me to accept, I know that it must also be hard for everyone around me to accept it as well considering that you only see what I ALLOW you to see.

This may be a little all over the place, but that's alright. I just need to get this out.

I am not okay. And that's okay. I have many more bad days than good.
I'm dealing with a hell of a lot of pain these days, and I'll admit-- I've gotten very crabby. If I'm not in a bad mood, I'm crying. Lately, laughter is just not in my vocabulary. But there's something I want you to know...

If you try to talk to me and it's not acknowledged... please don't feel ignored. I find it much easier to just stay away from people because my first reaction to anything is really ornery and annoyed. I'm not sure if it's the medication, the pain, my frustration or a combination of all of the above that makes me the way I am... but I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. 

So, please know that this is not me right now. I am not me right now.

I don't know how to answer your questions.
I am thankful that I have friends who try to stay in touch. Although there aren't many of you who actually message me, I do want you to know that you are appreciated even if it seems that you aren't. 

With that being said... there is one question that annoys me more than anything else. "When are you going to get better? What are your doctors saying? You've been down and out for, like, months." I know this is innocent and harmless... but it really bothers me. Almost makes me feel like you think that I am intentionally this way.  I wish I could snap my fingers and it be as simple as you feel it should be for me to get better. I can't tell you what I don't know. 

All I know is that it kills me to do anything that is considered normal. I can stand in the kitchen for 10 minutes chopping peppers... and it takes me 2 hours to come down from the amount of pain I've caused myself. I can walk for 10 minutes around Old Navy after a chiropractor appointment to see what I can do... and it takes me 3-4 hours to be "okay" enough that I'm not crying. I literally do nothing during the day and try to rest up enough that I can sit up and eat dinner, or God forbid, go upstairs and take a 20 minute shower... and it renders me unable to do anything for the rest of the night.

No, I don't know why it's so severe.
My back has had a lasting vendetta against me since the first injury 5 years ago. It's never taken me this long, or even half this long, to get back to healthy, happy Ashley. It's never caused me as much pain as it has this time... and it has never affected my leg, the way I walk, or the way I sleep like it has this time. I have never had to endure so much pain in my life.

There's nothing I can do to make this go away, or to fully understand how long it's going to take for me to come out of this. But until the MRI shows exactly what's happening back there, there is nothing I can do to ease your (or my) mind. I can't make the doctors go any faster than they are (trust me, I keep myself on the phone with them for medication and appointments and it doesn't help). And I can't make my body heal itself no matter how much I want it to.

Be grateful.
I watch your statuses on Facebook and I would kill to go to work and be miserable like you all say you are, or have to go to some lecture hall for something I really don't have an interest in yet it's required... I would even rather be heading to a family reunion that I really don't want to go to (because my family has issues just like every other family in the world). 

I would literally kill to be you right now. Why? Because at least I wouldn't be a vegetable in the recliner at home... and I wouldn't be in so much pain that I feel nauseous at any given moment during the day or night no matter how many pain medications or muscle relaxers I've taken. At least I would be somewhat NORMAL.

I am not rebuking you for your statuses or even judging your lives... because I have been there, too. I have complained about normal every-day happenings that I really just didn't want to have to deal with. I've been that person who posts a status about how miserable I truly am about having to do things that I don't want to do (like being an adult-- let's be honest, none of us want to be an adult). God forbid I ever had to go somewhere I didn't want to go because I am weak and will say "yes" to offers I didn't really want to accept, but did it anyway to keep up appearances.

I just want you to take a second next time you post a status about how miserable your life is and just know that there are invisible "spoonies" reading them and wishing that they had your life, even if just for one day, so that they would know what it felt like just one more time to not hurt anymore. (Spoonies (n): people who live with chronic pain and have a set number of "spoons" they are allowed to use during a day so as not to expend too much energy or cause too much pain. Spoons is a theory developed by therapists)

I am now grateful for a life without pain.
Some people have it so much worse than I, and to acknowledge that fact is honestly heartbreaking for me. To know that there are people out there who are in 10x the pain I am right now every single day... it literally makes me cry. I can't imagine how these people live and not feel as if their entire life is a farce. I complain of my pain and cry for my wounds... and there are people out there battling cancers that cause 100x the pain my back and leg are causing me.   

Whenever, if ever, I'm allowed to escape from my pain's grasp... I am completely aware of the life I will be evermore grateful for. Life is too short, too precious, to complain about every little thing that doesn't go your way. This experience has been enlightening for me and, maybe that's it. Maybe God is using my pain as a platform to reach out to others and show them that life could be so much worse. It could be so much worse than your life's circumstances, mine, little Billy down the street's and your sister's mother's cheating ex-husband's. 

We need to be thankful and know that we are truly blessed in the lives we're living... no matter what we're going through. There is beauty in the breaking; beauty in the pain.

Just know that I am not perfect and I cannot ever be.
I have horrible fits of desperation where I cry out to God and scream at Him for making me endure this (which isn't fair)... I have times where I believe everyone in my life doesn't care and would be better off not knowing me (which isn't true)... I have days where I just want to disappear from my "normal" life and never return to it (which is ridiculous)... and there are moments where I would rather be dead than to have to keep dealing with this (also untrue).

But know this-- I am still Ashley. I'm still here in this body and I am rational. No, I'm not suicidal (just in case you're wondering). My pain does not dictate who I am. I just need you to understand. That's all.