Nightmares

They're back.

The darkness of my past is screaming at me, tormenting me behind my lids. But like all nightmares when you wake, are gone. I don't remember my nightmares. I just remember bits and pieces; usually of whom is in them. And all I feel are the feelings I once felt, taking me against my will back into that dark black hole.

All I can remember is how I felt. All I felt was suffocation; life as I know was ending yet again. Over and over it plays in my mind. The faces, the voices-- all dancing to my sobs.

I wake up and my cheeks are wet with tears that I don't understand. I'm gasping with every morsel in my body for just one breath of air and yet I can't breathe. I'm so confused that I turn on the lights and scramble to figure out what happened and what my body is reacting to... and then it comes back slowly.

My dreams have turned into nightmares once more.

He's there. I'm re-living my past and everything that is in me screams. He is single-handedly ending life as I knew it. Over and over. The events of those 7 months are replaying in my mind and those familiar questions sneak their way inside.

All of the work that I've done to escape them, all of the time I've spent fighting-- ruined. They're back. The nightmares are back. And there's absolutely nothing I can do but try to forget.

Forgive and forget, they say. I can forgive, but I can't forget. Just when I think I've forgotten, the nightmares remind me of the latter. It's still very much present in my heart.

And that familiar voice rings true in my head: "when will I be free?"

Insomnia.

Insomnia.  That treacherous thing that comes in the dead of the night when you have so much on your mind that you just can't drift off like you desperately want to do.  So many thoughts are coursing through my head that I just can't seem to make sense of one versus another because it all seems to be bleeding together like colors in the wash.  The only reasoning I can really draw from this is that I need to get thoughts off of my chest... and what better way to do so than to advertise it to the online community, right?  Writing is often an avenue for stress relief and rationality that other avenues just cannot offer.

The thoughts in my head are mainly those of my life and the direction in which it is heading; this direction is not the direction that I so often dreamed of as a young woman. Thoughts of how I had planned my entire life almost to the T and how it's just not being fulfilled in the least. 

My 24th birthday is in 21 days exactly, and am I excited? Am I thrilled at the thought of being one year older, one year closer to my success?  No, I'm not. 24. It's a constant reminder to what could have been but isn't. What should've been but will never be. No, it's just something else to reiterate the notion that I am a college graduate holding a Bachelor's degree with no job, no leads, and living at home under the support of my mother.  I never intended to mooch off of my parents, nor did I ever intend to graduate and be jobless with no hopes of a real job without going back to school and watching the mountain of loans I already have grow much larger. 

My friends are getting jobs, getting married, having babies... enjoying their families.  And I'm sitting here like a toddler caught in the riptide with no hope of salvation from the ocean's deathly grip. I can't help but feel like I'm a disappointment. You can see it in the eyes of my family members and family friends. Although I have graduated from ECU and I have aced the GRE in preparation for graduate school... you can see the disappointment on their faces when they realize I have no job, no prospects, and years of yet more school lying ahead of me. Or is that just my own disappointment reflecting in their eyes back at me? I guess I can't tell at this point.

I was always the girl that was a sure-thing for the fast track. Straight A's, University, job, success, marriage, children, etc.  I've always been good at anything I've put my mind and heart into.  Yet for the real world, it doesn't seem to suffice. It's nothing to be intelligent, hard working, dedicated, motivated and determined-- it's all in who you know.  I'm sorry that I would rather be hired because of who I am and what I bring to the table in exchange for knowing the head honcho at the board of directors.

So I'm left at a crossroads with a million questions ringing in my ears. Where do I go from here? How do I make this work for my good? Where do I turn when I have no other options? How am I going to pay my loan payments? How do I get a job that requires experience when no one is willing to give it? How do I go to school to receive certifications so that I can use my degree instead of wasting it when I don't have the money to pay the tuition... because I don't have a job?  Life is hinged on money and it is ridiculous. 

The American Dream? More like the American Nightmare.

I know it's normal for people my age to feel this way and that "it'll all be okay, it'll all work out the way it should in the end".  But it doesn't excuse the fact that it is not what I had planned. It is not what I worked so hard for.  And I guess I just wanted better for myself. That's all.



Hasta la próxima vez.

Happiness don't drag its feet when its time has come...

It's been a while since I've sat down and actually wrote to my heart's content.  For some reason, writing really does do my soul some good-- even if it doesn't help anyone else.  I don't even really have to talk about my feelings for it to help me.  I wonder if it's that way for anyone else?

So with that being said, here I am with a candle burning, Pandora singing, and a box of tissues (Summertime colds are no fun!) ready to write about my observances.

It has come to my attention that society's focus on the dating world and having the "perfect" girlfriend or boyfriend has become the central idea in everyone's minds.  If you aren't dating or have a significant other, it's like the world looks at you as being either a prude or a "poor, poor, pitiful girl/guy" lonelier than the next.  I'm not sure why everyone is feigning to find that one person they can spend all their time with.  People are actually SEARCHING for this person, this person that will make all of their dreams come true... this person that will miraculously make all of their problems go away with a single smile.  I hate to break it to you-- even the best relationship has its issues and no matter how hard that person tries, they can't make your problems go away.  You have to rely on yourself to make those problems go away.

This brings me to my next point: why I am not dating anyone right now.  Focus on the last sentence of the previous paragraph-- you have to rely on yourself to make your problems go away.  Your happiness depends on you, not someone else.  Why put the dependence of your happiness in someone who may or may not be there forever?  You're setting yourself up for failure.  Before entering a relationship, or even a dating situation, I feel like you should love yourself and have faith in your own happiness before you bring someone else into that bubble we call our lives.  If you can't make yourself happy, you can't make someone else happy... and you sure as Hades can't expect that person to bring you happiness if you can't do it yourself.

What I'm saying is that I need to work on myself before I date again.  They say it takes a year to get over a heartbreak.  To date, it has been exactly a year and a half since the date of my divorce.  I wholeheartedly agree that it took an entire year to get over that heartbreak.  You may be saying, "Well, Ashley, that leaves 6 months unaccounted for."  No, it really doesn't.  The last 6 months have been about me trying to find who I am without someone else; really getting to know myself and what makes me happy or sad before I find someone else to take his place.

While I'm over the heartbreak, I am not over the situation and what the last one did to me.  He betrayed my trust; I fully trusted him and everything he said to me.  I had absolutely no doubts even when friends would bring up valid ideas and points about our relationship.  That's what you're supposed to do in a relationship, right?  Believe your significant other over everyone else, right?  Wrong.  I should've listened.  But the point of the matter is, I'm not over the betrayal.  I'm not over the idea that someone could have that much power over my emotions that I allowed them to betray my trust and, ultimately, my heart. 

Being that I feel this way-- that I cannot trust someone yet-- leads me back to my first point.  I have to work on me and work on my trusting skills before I can really, honestly, completely agree to being with someone again.  As much as I want someone to be there, as much as I WANT to trust someone and to love again... the ultimate truth is that right now, I'm just not able to do that.  And that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me.  I used to refer to myself as "damaged goods" and "broken"... but the truth of the matter is that I am neither.  I am someone who is figuring herself out by staying single in a world full of relationships, marriages, etc.

Everyone goes through their stages of grieving... and some go through them in a different order than other.  Now, you may say that a heartbreak is not a cause for grieving, but I would have to disagree.  Any sudden loss can send someone into a grievance cycle.  In a way, that person is now "dead to you"; in fact, it would seem as if they really did die.  The 5 stages (common) are as follows: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  If I had to peg myself, I would have to say that I'm in the 5th and final phase and have been for a while.  There's no time limit for the cycles, as you may know, and everyone has their own timing.  So that you can better understand me and where I'm at these days, I've looked up the characteristics of this phase to give you a better explanation:
"This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression [...] Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing."

So, before you try to understand why I do the things I do or give me the whole, "I just want you to be happy again" line... please remember that there is a healing process that I am going through and that I cannot just rush it for anyone and everyone. [This is mainly directed towards my family and friends... please know that I love you, but I need my own time. I will get there, I promise.]

I will come back better than ever, you'll see. Just give me the time that I need.

 -Ashley

If you want more information about the 5 stages of grief, click here.


Hasta la próxima vez.

I just want to scream.

Sometimes things in life are so wrong that you just don't know where to begin to pick up the pieces. 

Things can start happening that would make a normal person feel as if there is still hope in the world, yet all it does is push you farther down into the hole you've been trying to escape for years.  You know that you should be thankful because you are beyond blessed with a place to call home, a car to drive, a job to go to and food to eat... but yet you can't shake this feeling that you're just not who you're supposed to be. 

Somehow you have lost all knowledge of who you are, what you're doing, why you're doing it, and where to go from here.  Someone mentioned the idea of an "identity crisis" to me today and it dawned on me... that is exactly what I'm experiencing at this point in my life.  I have always known who I was, where I was going, how I was going to get there and I knew exactly how to piece the puzzle, that I call my life, together as one.  

Now I'm a recent college graduate with no job prospectives because of the lack of an internship, waiting on that e-mail or phone call from an internship that says "Congratulations! You've been accepted as a cultural ambassador for the 2013-2014 school year in Sevilla, Spain", working a minimum wage job just to get by (but really I'm not getting by at all) and digging deeper into misery.  The question "Who am I?" is often followed by the answer "I have no idea" these days.  I just can't seem to remember who I am and I'm not sure how I am supposed to figure that out.  

I know that I should be thankful to be where I am today; I have a college degree and I actually have a job, but I can't shake the disappointment I have in myself.  I am 23 years old and should be able to live on my own, pay my own bills, and take care of myself... yet I've had to revert back to being a teenager accepting money and help from my mother.  I'm not one to ask for help and I'm not one to want to put my mother in a bind financially; it's draining the life out of me.  It makes me feel worthless.

I just wish someone could tell me who I am and where I'm supposed to go from here. I wish that life would get easier.

People are always going to let you down.

Sometimes when I think about my life and how it is compared to my "dream" life, it makes me sad to think that I will never escape the "norm" I have come to accept.  People are always going to let me down, but even worse still... I am always going to let myself down.

No matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am okay, the inevitable truth is that I'm not okay.  That life is not okay.  Events in my past have dragged me down to the state I am in now... some days are good, some days are bad.  The funny thing about that is, I'm the only one that is holding myself back from being happy, successful, in love, etc.  I allow the things in my present and past to tear me down on a constant daily basis assuming that I am not good enough or worth enough to have the dreams I want to pursue, the education and careers I want to obtain, the love and family I want to fulfill.  Try as I may, I just can't "get it right".  I rationalize things to such a degree that even things that seem remotely fun or enjoyable are not rational to me.  I have such a sense of responsibility that I can't do things to make myself happy.  My mind conflicts with my heart and my decisions are always based on someone else's feelings instead of my own.  I was raised to be that way but I'm starting to feel like it's more of a curse than a blessing.

I need my friends beside me when I'm having a terrible day/week/month/whatever... but it seems I always end up being a doormat for the people that I love the most, family and friends.  I would do anything and everything just to keep their heavy burdens a little bit lighter... and yet the people who I call my "friends" (sometimes even the ones I call my "best friends") always let me down.  Always; it never fails.  Friendship is a two-way street.  You can't expect someone to be there for you during all of your breakdowns, do things for you that no one else had the time or money to do, to be the person who drops everything just because you're having a terrible night... and then when they need you the most, turn your back on them because you just don't have time for that in your life.

The point is this: I'm tired of being that doormat.  The problem is this: I don't know how to stop being that doormat.  I don't like to be called selfish, mean, ornery, or anything of the like... but it's getting to the point where I feel like I need to be that.  The ones of you who decide that you want to be my "friends" or "best friends", prove it.  I'm over trying to be there for you when you don't do the same for me.

Note: To my absolute best friends who've stood faithfully by me through everything no matter what, I thank you with all of my heart.  You truly are the meaning of love and friendship (in alphabetical order so you guys don't get cranky, kk?): Allison, Alton Ray, Ashley, Jonathan, Lindsey, Marenda, Rhonda.

It's ironic how the list continues to get shorter with time.

Hasta la próxima vez.