Chronic pain; let's be real for a minute

I just want to take a few minutes and just acknowledge all that is happening in my life right now and point out some things that I want people to know.  It seems it's God's will that I go through this turbulent time in my life where everything is uncertain when it comes to my health, my life, my ability to be NORMAL on any given day... and as hard as it is for me to accept, I know that it must also be hard for everyone around me to accept it as well considering that you only see what I ALLOW you to see.

This may be a little all over the place, but that's alright. I just need to get this out.

I am not okay. And that's okay. I have many more bad days than good.
I'm dealing with a hell of a lot of pain these days, and I'll admit-- I've gotten very crabby. If I'm not in a bad mood, I'm crying. Lately, laughter is just not in my vocabulary. But there's something I want you to know...

If you try to talk to me and it's not acknowledged... please don't feel ignored. I find it much easier to just stay away from people because my first reaction to anything is really ornery and annoyed. I'm not sure if it's the medication, the pain, my frustration or a combination of all of the above that makes me the way I am... but I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. 

So, please know that this is not me right now. I am not me right now.

I don't know how to answer your questions.
I am thankful that I have friends who try to stay in touch. Although there aren't many of you who actually message me, I do want you to know that you are appreciated even if it seems that you aren't. 

With that being said... there is one question that annoys me more than anything else. "When are you going to get better? What are your doctors saying? You've been down and out for, like, months." I know this is innocent and harmless... but it really bothers me. Almost makes me feel like you think that I am intentionally this way.  I wish I could snap my fingers and it be as simple as you feel it should be for me to get better. I can't tell you what I don't know. 

All I know is that it kills me to do anything that is considered normal. I can stand in the kitchen for 10 minutes chopping peppers... and it takes me 2 hours to come down from the amount of pain I've caused myself. I can walk for 10 minutes around Old Navy after a chiropractor appointment to see what I can do... and it takes me 3-4 hours to be "okay" enough that I'm not crying. I literally do nothing during the day and try to rest up enough that I can sit up and eat dinner, or God forbid, go upstairs and take a 20 minute shower... and it renders me unable to do anything for the rest of the night.

No, I don't know why it's so severe.
My back has had a lasting vendetta against me since the first injury 5 years ago. It's never taken me this long, or even half this long, to get back to healthy, happy Ashley. It's never caused me as much pain as it has this time... and it has never affected my leg, the way I walk, or the way I sleep like it has this time. I have never had to endure so much pain in my life.

There's nothing I can do to make this go away, or to fully understand how long it's going to take for me to come out of this. But until the MRI shows exactly what's happening back there, there is nothing I can do to ease your (or my) mind. I can't make the doctors go any faster than they are (trust me, I keep myself on the phone with them for medication and appointments and it doesn't help). And I can't make my body heal itself no matter how much I want it to.

Be grateful.
I watch your statuses on Facebook and I would kill to go to work and be miserable like you all say you are, or have to go to some lecture hall for something I really don't have an interest in yet it's required... I would even rather be heading to a family reunion that I really don't want to go to (because my family has issues just like every other family in the world). 

I would literally kill to be you right now. Why? Because at least I wouldn't be a vegetable in the recliner at home... and I wouldn't be in so much pain that I feel nauseous at any given moment during the day or night no matter how many pain medications or muscle relaxers I've taken. At least I would be somewhat NORMAL.

I am not rebuking you for your statuses or even judging your lives... because I have been there, too. I have complained about normal every-day happenings that I really just didn't want to have to deal with. I've been that person who posts a status about how miserable I truly am about having to do things that I don't want to do (like being an adult-- let's be honest, none of us want to be an adult). God forbid I ever had to go somewhere I didn't want to go because I am weak and will say "yes" to offers I didn't really want to accept, but did it anyway to keep up appearances.

I just want you to take a second next time you post a status about how miserable your life is and just know that there are invisible "spoonies" reading them and wishing that they had your life, even if just for one day, so that they would know what it felt like just one more time to not hurt anymore. (Spoonies (n): people who live with chronic pain and have a set number of "spoons" they are allowed to use during a day so as not to expend too much energy or cause too much pain. Spoons is a theory developed by therapists)

I am now grateful for a life without pain.
Some people have it so much worse than I, and to acknowledge that fact is honestly heartbreaking for me. To know that there are people out there who are in 10x the pain I am right now every single day... it literally makes me cry. I can't imagine how these people live and not feel as if their entire life is a farce. I complain of my pain and cry for my wounds... and there are people out there battling cancers that cause 100x the pain my back and leg are causing me.   

Whenever, if ever, I'm allowed to escape from my pain's grasp... I am completely aware of the life I will be evermore grateful for. Life is too short, too precious, to complain about every little thing that doesn't go your way. This experience has been enlightening for me and, maybe that's it. Maybe God is using my pain as a platform to reach out to others and show them that life could be so much worse. It could be so much worse than your life's circumstances, mine, little Billy down the street's and your sister's mother's cheating ex-husband's. 

We need to be thankful and know that we are truly blessed in the lives we're living... no matter what we're going through. There is beauty in the breaking; beauty in the pain.

Just know that I am not perfect and I cannot ever be.
I have horrible fits of desperation where I cry out to God and scream at Him for making me endure this (which isn't fair)... I have times where I believe everyone in my life doesn't care and would be better off not knowing me (which isn't true)... I have days where I just want to disappear from my "normal" life and never return to it (which is ridiculous)... and there are moments where I would rather be dead than to have to keep dealing with this (also untrue).

But know this-- I am still Ashley. I'm still here in this body and I am rational. No, I'm not suicidal (just in case you're wondering). My pain does not dictate who I am. I just need you to understand. That's all.

Pepsi/FritoLay & the LGBT Movement

I posted this recently on Facebook and decided that I wanted to make a blog posting about it because I obviously have a little more to say.

I'm seeing so many of my "friends" on Facebook sharing this and saying "NO MORE PEPSICO & FRITOLAY FOR MY HOUSE!"

Seriously? You're going to boycott an entire brand because of their beliefs? Wait. What is that called? Oh yeah, discrimination and judgement.

Christians are NOT called to be judgmental. Matthew 7:1-5 (ESV) says “Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye."

If you want to boycott Pepsi & Frito Lay... let me add some more companies to your list that support ALL RIGHTS. I expect you to CEASE AND DESIST using their products because they support those who identify with the LGBT movement: Apple, Starbucks, Facebook, Google, eBay, Nike, Gap, Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream, Levi Jeans, Microsoft, MasterCard, AT&T, Johnson & Johnson, Mondelez International (Bye bye Oreos!), Marriott Hotels, AND MORE. These are just a few.

I am a Christian and I love God. I ALSO love ALL people as I am called to do. No, I do not identify with the LGBT movement. I don't have to identify with a movement to show love. You are to LOVE your neighbor, no matter their choices. That does NOT mean that you have to agree with them.

No wonder it rains all the time...

What I don't understand is the amount of hatred that comes spewing out of my fellow Christians. It makes me feel very disappointed to know that people are so discriminatory and absolutely intolerant. Jesus calls us to love one another, to accept and encourage one another. Without friendship and tolerance, how do you expect to show God's love to anyone? All they see is "another hypocrite Christian shoving their beliefs down my throat". 

I will say that my time at ECU definitely opened my eyes to the bigger picture and made me a better person. Although, when I first got there, I had a very closed mindset. If you weren't Christian and you did things I didn't agree with, you could forget being my friend. Looking back, I'm almost disgusted with myself to believe that I was ever that way. God didn't want me to put up a wall between me and those who were different than I was. He wanted me to tear that wall down, become friends with and UNDERSTAND where they're coming from. Empathize with their struggles and remind them that GOD LOVES THEM. Or does the Bible not say that I should love my neighbors as myself?

No, it does. Here's the verse: Mark 12:13-31:  " 'And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength. The second is this, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these."

Just because I am a woman does not mean that I hate everyone who is not. Just because I have brown hair does not mean that I am justified in hating blondes or redheads. Just because I identify with the straight sexual orientation, does not mean that I hate, nor do I have the right to hate, anyone who is not.

If you're wondering where I got my listing of companies that support the LGBT community, click here.

Also, if you're interested in a little more research, click here.

Four Years

Four years. A lot can happen in four years. People graduate from high school, from college... kids go from middle school to high school, from Boy Scouts to Eagle Scouts. We change Presidents after four years. Four years is a long time.

Four years. That's exactly how long it's been since my entire life was turned upside down... so much so that I didn't even know which way was up or who I was at all. I had defined my life by someone who didn't define theirs by me-- and it cost me time, energy, sanity, and ultimately, a marriage.

Growing up in church, I always had my heart set on being married once. Finding that one special man that God had made just for me. The one that my soul yearned for; that I could grow with, pray with, build a family with. Spending time with him and learning more about why God had chosen that one just for me. Divorce wasn't an option and would "never" be an option... why would I need to worry about that if I married the one God made for me, anyway?

Unfortunately the one that I thought God had made for me was not the one He had in mind at all. I was blinded by sweet talk and empty promises... and instead of listening to gut feelings on an early marriage, I went through with it anyway. That's what you do when you love someone, right?

Most were against it. Looking back on it, I wish I had listened... but, I guess what they say is true. People learn from their mistakes and they have to do it the hard way. I never thought I'd be a victim of that truth, but here we are.

Through all of the events that took place back then, I trusted God more fervently than ever before. I immersed myself in worship, scripture, prayer. I thought that if I made all efforts to be a better person, daughter to Jesus, wife to my husband, daughter to my mother, etc., that I would surely be rewarded for it and, somehow, God would save my marriage. He had to, right? I was HIS daughter and I had never done anything even remotely heathen in my life... He would make sure nothing bad happened to me, right?

For months, I prayed and read my bible... I clung to a verse that one of my professors gave me on a scrap piece of paper one day during a test because she knew I was having troubles: "Take delight in the Lord and He will give you your heart's desires. Commit everything you do to the Lord, trust Him and He will help you. He will make your innocence radiate like the dawn, and the justice of your cause will shine like the noonday sun." Psalm 37:4-6. 

To me, that verse basically meant that everything was going to be okay. My marriage was going to be okay.  Wrong. You know what it truly meant? It meant that HE knows exactly what my heart desires and, ultimately, what my heart DESERVES. But, let's not get off track. I have a point I'm trying to make here. 

After the divorce was finalized, my heart grew cold... and so did my personality, my persona. I was angry. God PROMISED to give me the desires of my heart in that verse, did He not? Why is my marriage ending... WHY am I having to endure such pain and heartbreak? I became furious with God and refused to speak to Him. REFUSED to have anything to do with Him. He didn't love me like He said He did.

Slowly but surely, God's truth came back to me and slapped me in the face harder each time. Several friends that I've met along the way have had circumstances similar to mine that I have helped them cope with, have prayed with and for them, and have ultimately used my experience to support and comfort someone else. I became that shoulder to cry on, that ear to listen, that face and voice of comfort. The trials that I faced were not to punish me... but to prepare me for what was to come. To prepare me for who He needed me to be for His purpose... not mine.

One day while moving my amazing Women's study bible, it fell open to a page that caught my attention. A verse I'd never seen before... and it's stuck with me ever since and has pretty much explained why all of my prayers went "unanswered" all those years before: "And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you" 1 Peter 5:10.

I often think, "what if I could go back and change the past... listen to them?" It seems like an all-too-common statement or wish, but it crosses my mind frequently. But then I end up laughing at myself in the long run... why would I want to go back and change the past?

Ultimately I would just be changing myself. I may not be as innocent, pure, or tame as I was in the past, but I like who I am and the woman I've become. I am stronger and wiser; my experiences help me to help others. Yes, there are qualities about myself that I should probably work on, but most people have those as well.

I would never change my past because it's a part of me. It may be painful and filled with regret, but in the end... I learned all of the lessons that God saw fit for me to learn. I didn't follow the "perfect life plan" that I always wanted when I was younger... but, who does? Really?

If you're going through a hard time, just remember that God gives His toughest battles to His strongest warriors. Don't give up and don't stop trusting Him. He's gonna send people your way that you never thought would be there; messages from people you've never talked to; scriptures you never knew you needed.

"The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still" Exodus 14:14

Was the high really worth the pain?

Sometimes that's what I ask myself when I get hyped up about a date that never works out... or one that seems to work out, but you're really just being used for something other than finding "love". Does love even really exist anymore, or do people just like to play ridiculous games with other people's emotions?

I've honestly gotten to the point where I'm just completely apathetic. Why? Because people these days aren't looking for the love you've heard about in storybooks anymore.

We've all heard them... the stories about love triumphant, the girl always finds the man of her dreams and the guy somehow wins over the girl he's always chased. Unfortunately it seems that all of these made up stories about true love and finding your "soulmate" are just that-- stories. Seems to me that they should just be called fairytales or "musings of the helpless romantic".

I have to say that my past relationships have definitely taught me what I do and don't want. The only thing they didn't teach me is the fact that people can be whoever they want to be until you don't give them what they want. That's when the truth comes out. I just wish I could find one person who could prove me wrong... one person that is actually REAL in this world.  Until then, I'm content with daydreaming about my future life.

For now, I'm better off alone. And that's okay.

Nightmares

They're back.

The darkness of my past is screaming at me, tormenting me behind my lids. But like all nightmares when you wake, are gone. I don't remember my nightmares. I just remember bits and pieces; usually of whom is in them. And all I feel are the feelings I once felt, taking me against my will back into that dark black hole.

All I can remember is how I felt. All I felt was suffocation; life as I know was ending yet again. Over and over it plays in my mind. The faces, the voices-- all dancing to my sobs.

I wake up and my cheeks are wet with tears that I don't understand. I'm gasping with every morsel in my body for just one breath of air and yet I can't breathe. I'm so confused that I turn on the lights and scramble to figure out what happened and what my body is reacting to... and then it comes back slowly.

My dreams have turned into nightmares once more.

He's there. I'm re-living my past and everything that is in me screams. He is single-handedly ending life as I knew it. Over and over. The events of those 7 months are replaying in my mind and those familiar questions sneak their way inside.

All of the work that I've done to escape them, all of the time I've spent fighting-- ruined. They're back. The nightmares are back. And there's absolutely nothing I can do but try to forget.

Forgive and forget, they say. I can forgive, but I can't forget. Just when I think I've forgotten, the nightmares remind me of the latter. It's still very much present in my heart.

And that familiar voice rings true in my head: "when will I be free?"

Insomnia.

Insomnia.  That treacherous thing that comes in the dead of the night when you have so much on your mind that you just can't drift off like you desperately want to do.  So many thoughts are coursing through my head that I just can't seem to make sense of one versus another because it all seems to be bleeding together like colors in the wash.  The only reasoning I can really draw from this is that I need to get thoughts off of my chest... and what better way to do so than to advertise it to the online community, right?  Writing is often an avenue for stress relief and rationality that other avenues just cannot offer.

The thoughts in my head are mainly those of my life and the direction in which it is heading; this direction is not the direction that I so often dreamed of as a young woman. Thoughts of how I had planned my entire life almost to the T and how it's just not being fulfilled in the least. 

My 24th birthday is in 21 days exactly, and am I excited? Am I thrilled at the thought of being one year older, one year closer to my success?  No, I'm not. 24. It's a constant reminder to what could have been but isn't. What should've been but will never be. No, it's just something else to reiterate the notion that I am a college graduate holding a Bachelor's degree with no job, no leads, and living at home under the support of my mother.  I never intended to mooch off of my parents, nor did I ever intend to graduate and be jobless with no hopes of a real job without going back to school and watching the mountain of loans I already have grow much larger. 

My friends are getting jobs, getting married, having babies... enjoying their families.  And I'm sitting here like a toddler caught in the riptide with no hope of salvation from the ocean's deathly grip. I can't help but feel like I'm a disappointment. You can see it in the eyes of my family members and family friends. Although I have graduated from ECU and I have aced the GRE in preparation for graduate school... you can see the disappointment on their faces when they realize I have no job, no prospects, and years of yet more school lying ahead of me. Or is that just my own disappointment reflecting in their eyes back at me? I guess I can't tell at this point.

I was always the girl that was a sure-thing for the fast track. Straight A's, University, job, success, marriage, children, etc.  I've always been good at anything I've put my mind and heart into.  Yet for the real world, it doesn't seem to suffice. It's nothing to be intelligent, hard working, dedicated, motivated and determined-- it's all in who you know.  I'm sorry that I would rather be hired because of who I am and what I bring to the table in exchange for knowing the head honcho at the board of directors.

So I'm left at a crossroads with a million questions ringing in my ears. Where do I go from here? How do I make this work for my good? Where do I turn when I have no other options? How am I going to pay my loan payments? How do I get a job that requires experience when no one is willing to give it? How do I go to school to receive certifications so that I can use my degree instead of wasting it when I don't have the money to pay the tuition... because I don't have a job?  Life is hinged on money and it is ridiculous. 

The American Dream? More like the American Nightmare.

I know it's normal for people my age to feel this way and that "it'll all be okay, it'll all work out the way it should in the end".  But it doesn't excuse the fact that it is not what I had planned. It is not what I worked so hard for.  And I guess I just wanted better for myself. That's all.



Hasta la próxima vez.

Happiness don't drag its feet when its time has come...

It's been a while since I've sat down and actually wrote to my heart's content.  For some reason, writing really does do my soul some good-- even if it doesn't help anyone else.  I don't even really have to talk about my feelings for it to help me.  I wonder if it's that way for anyone else?

So with that being said, here I am with a candle burning, Pandora singing, and a box of tissues (Summertime colds are no fun!) ready to write about my observances.

It has come to my attention that society's focus on the dating world and having the "perfect" girlfriend or boyfriend has become the central idea in everyone's minds.  If you aren't dating or have a significant other, it's like the world looks at you as being either a prude or a "poor, poor, pitiful girl/guy" lonelier than the next.  I'm not sure why everyone is feigning to find that one person they can spend all their time with.  People are actually SEARCHING for this person, this person that will make all of their dreams come true... this person that will miraculously make all of their problems go away with a single smile.  I hate to break it to you-- even the best relationship has its issues and no matter how hard that person tries, they can't make your problems go away.  You have to rely on yourself to make those problems go away.

This brings me to my next point: why I am not dating anyone right now.  Focus on the last sentence of the previous paragraph-- you have to rely on yourself to make your problems go away.  Your happiness depends on you, not someone else.  Why put the dependence of your happiness in someone who may or may not be there forever?  You're setting yourself up for failure.  Before entering a relationship, or even a dating situation, I feel like you should love yourself and have faith in your own happiness before you bring someone else into that bubble we call our lives.  If you can't make yourself happy, you can't make someone else happy... and you sure as Hades can't expect that person to bring you happiness if you can't do it yourself.

What I'm saying is that I need to work on myself before I date again.  They say it takes a year to get over a heartbreak.  To date, it has been exactly a year and a half since the date of my divorce.  I wholeheartedly agree that it took an entire year to get over that heartbreak.  You may be saying, "Well, Ashley, that leaves 6 months unaccounted for."  No, it really doesn't.  The last 6 months have been about me trying to find who I am without someone else; really getting to know myself and what makes me happy or sad before I find someone else to take his place.

While I'm over the heartbreak, I am not over the situation and what the last one did to me.  He betrayed my trust; I fully trusted him and everything he said to me.  I had absolutely no doubts even when friends would bring up valid ideas and points about our relationship.  That's what you're supposed to do in a relationship, right?  Believe your significant other over everyone else, right?  Wrong.  I should've listened.  But the point of the matter is, I'm not over the betrayal.  I'm not over the idea that someone could have that much power over my emotions that I allowed them to betray my trust and, ultimately, my heart. 

Being that I feel this way-- that I cannot trust someone yet-- leads me back to my first point.  I have to work on me and work on my trusting skills before I can really, honestly, completely agree to being with someone again.  As much as I want someone to be there, as much as I WANT to trust someone and to love again... the ultimate truth is that right now, I'm just not able to do that.  And that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with me.  I used to refer to myself as "damaged goods" and "broken"... but the truth of the matter is that I am neither.  I am someone who is figuring herself out by staying single in a world full of relationships, marriages, etc.

Everyone goes through their stages of grieving... and some go through them in a different order than other.  Now, you may say that a heartbreak is not a cause for grieving, but I would have to disagree.  Any sudden loss can send someone into a grievance cycle.  In a way, that person is now "dead to you"; in fact, it would seem as if they really did die.  The 5 stages (common) are as follows: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  If I had to peg myself, I would have to say that I'm in the 5th and final phase and have been for a while.  There's no time limit for the cycles, as you may know, and everyone has their own timing.  So that you can better understand me and where I'm at these days, I've looked up the characteristics of this phase to give you a better explanation:
"This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression [...] Coping with loss is ultimately a deeply personal and singular experience — nobody can help you go through it more easily or understand all the emotions that you’re going through. But others can be there for you and help comfort you through this process. The best thing you can do is to allow yourself to feel the grief as it comes over you. Resisting it only will prolong the natural process of healing."

So, before you try to understand why I do the things I do or give me the whole, "I just want you to be happy again" line... please remember that there is a healing process that I am going through and that I cannot just rush it for anyone and everyone. [This is mainly directed towards my family and friends... please know that I love you, but I need my own time. I will get there, I promise.]

I will come back better than ever, you'll see. Just give me the time that I need.

 -Ashley

If you want more information about the 5 stages of grief, click here.


Hasta la próxima vez.